SHEVARI01 Member Profile

When you feel you're at the best moments of your life, but it's really not

Depression Support / by SHEVARI01

December 9th, 2024

...See more DISCLAIMER: BRIEF MENTION OF A POTENTIALLY DELICATE TOPIC AHEAD Greetings to you, whoever is reading this! At the time I'm writing this, it's almost dawn, I am unable to sleep, with almost 2 months of work done in 2 days, feeling frustrated, impotent, wanting to cry (but unable to do so because of the time and since I don't like that my relatives see me cry) and yet, with things to do later. I know I've been through wrong paths time ago and now I know what I want to do with my life, I am currently studying the career that I have vocation for, yet, I realize how inept I am even for what I aspire to be. At this point, one may think that I am neurodivergent, and the fact is that I am, since I was 10, I was diagnosed with ASD/Asperger's syndrome, but I'm not sure either if my mental condition is the root of all of these situations. As stated earlier, I just finished almost 2 months of work in 2 days, thing that I didn't know about all that time, because if I had known that I had to do that earlier, I wouldn't have been through this situation, yet, not only I noticed that late, but also seems that I was the only one who didn't notice, since the rest of the students in practicum already knew and did their work on time, but for some reason, I didn't know about it for the already mentioned time. Doing this work and finishing left me think that, even at the prime of my life, where I am able to pursue the job of my dreams and feel secure that what I do is right, I still struggle with my stupidity, I'm not very different from the kid who couldn't pass the admission exam for the same school that their older brother was studying in because that kid was disoriented during the admision exam, the same kid who drowned once in swimming class for being the only one in the group who didn't know how to swim... Deep inside, I'm still that kid, just grown up. Despite all of this, in the last 40 days, I had two of the best days in my life, I got to personally meet some content creators I admire at a geek convention and I went to the Paul McCartney concert in town, yes, both moments were as great as you can imagine, but those days have passed now, and while the memories are still there, tough days have come not just to banish most of that excitement, but also, to let me think if I really deserved that, am I worthy enough to have experienced such joy? Thinking about those moments can't bring me comfort for what is comming, even if I still consider those as some of the best highlights in my life. Another thing is, I know if I tell my professors and classmates about my insecurities, they would say that there's nothing to worry about because they asume that I'm a good student and good at what I do (because yes, I am studying a career in languages and English is not my native language) but if there's something they don't understand is how "left behind" I am when it comes to understand my place where I am and how often I keep doing mistakes where no one else does, since I'm the kind of person who would get lost walking in a straight line, and how scared I feel for my near future in this moment since I am still confused with what remains and makes me wonder if I will be strong enough to keep on living after all this, knowing the last time I was hospitalized was for... Well, I guess you have a clear idea of the reason, and would sometimes hear the nurses and other staff saying that they hope I never get to feel the same way I did before entering, and at this point, the test to know how well I can handle a world I've always felt I don't really fit in is getting more complicated, telling me that I'm not that special if I still struggle adapting where anyone else fits in... In the end, I just hope you understand...

Something you did this week that you're proud of!

Positivity & Gratitude / by SHEVARI01

August 12th, 2022

Feeling overwhelmed by a burnout even though it's been months

Anxiety Support / by SHEVARI01

April 13th, 2022

...See more Hi everyone, I hope you all are having a nice day... I want to contact you because I've been experiencing recently some depression episodes related to a burnout on my first job months ago, those memories tend to come to my mind at random moments, and when they do, I tend to feel as bad as in that moment. I worked as a customer support agent for a month and a half, but after the training I didn't understand much, everything was very confusing and new to me (To this day, I'm not really sure if this has something to do with my ASD), I thought I couldn't handle it to the point I got myself into a dilemma about risking my mental health but earning my own money, or feeling mentally stable without the earnings I wanted to have. I had some serious panic attack and during my first day of nesting, I told my trainer that I wasn't really sure if I could do it and if I could take some other options, but she tried to encourage me to continue. A month passed and I started to feel I didn't really improve or felt satisfied about what I do despite some good CSATs (I mean, common decency is the minimum request everyone must have to work anywhere), but besides that, I still felt confused about many processes and some people who called me used to tell me they didn't understand me and prefered to talk to someone else (I wasn't really sure if I sounded insecure, it was my accent, the internet connection in my house or my voice tone). Even though I had some previous (But brief) panic attacks, one day I couldn't handle it and couldn't continue working properly, I didn't want to talk to anyone (Only on the Zoom chatroom), my legs started to feel weak and felt some pains in my head and heart, two coworkers and my supervisor were the only witnessers and somehow, I felt sorry with them because they didn't want to see me like that either, but I couldn't help it, I'd feel so sorry if I'd see someone feeling like that without knowing what to do is a heave feeling of impotence. About a week ago after that, I decided to quit the job, and even though things started to go better emotionally for me (I even worked as a tutor for elementary and high school students online and they appreciated my work), there are sometimes I could feel sad (Because, let's admit it, it's normal to feel sad at times, it's a human emotion) those memories come to my mind and the physical discomfort comes back, and so do the ideas that I'm useless, impotent and don't want to talk to anybody near me, it has been happening frequently and I don't know what to do, I'm tired of feeling physically and emotionally bad for that after all this time, what do you think could be good to help with this? I'll appreciate your messages and support, because I know you have good advice. Without further ado, I also wish you a pleasant evening and remember to take care of yourselves ^w^

Had a bad experience months ago and I'm afraid it may happen again

Anxiety Support / by SHEVARI01

October 15th, 2020

...See more Hi everyone, hope you're having a good day. As the title says, some months ago, I had a bad experience related to some personal issues: >After my parents' divorce, we had to move to a house in bad conditions and humidity around the walls and ceiling, we haven't been able to move from there even though we have looked for a new house during years, and it's very frustrating for me knowing I'm the youngest one in the house and can't access a stable job to help economically. >I'm not really sure if this is a major part of it, but as I have Asperger's Syndrome, most of the things I do and say are easily misunderstood, making people very mad at me when I'm not trying to cause any problem, and that includes my family, it hurts me seeing them mad at me when I have no intentions to cause them any problem. >Last semester, I failed a subject and that made me feel bad knowing that I can actually understand the topic, but it seemed to end up wrong, making me realize that nothing I do ends up right, no matter if I understand or try. After all of these things, a few months ago, I ended up taking an overdose of pills (Sertraline, to be exact), that caused me a tachycardia and I was taken to a hospital because of that, I couldn't use my phone and had to stay in a room all alone (Except for when a nurse had to take a blood test from me or when I said I needed to pee) for almost a week. After all that, I realized that, no matter what happens, no situation deserves this kind of measurements and that it's very painful for beloved people to see a loved one like this. I learned a very important lesson, but after a few months, the situations I mentioned before keep recalling (We can't move, I'm afraid to fail again in class and my family sometimes get mad at me after misunderstanding some things I day accidentaly) I don't want to go through all of this again (Or even ending up worse) but still can't keep calm, I remember saying that I musn't die, but I don't want to live like this either, I don't know what to do, and I need your help and/or advice with these situations. For taking your time to read this, thank you very much, and I hope you can do great, whoever is reading this

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