Tired

I hate to always be/feel so negative but honestly these days the bad just keeps piling on top of one another and there isn’t enough good to drown it out. I’m tired of being so alone. I think that’s what makes everything feel even heavier, cause don’t get me wrong it isn’t easy to get out of sadness but I’ve been feeling more and more everyday that maybe it’d be a little easier and life would be a little less dim, a little less dull if I had other people. Not just any people but people who actually see me, know me and actually understand me. I know I’m not perfect and I’m still learning and still *** up and making mistakes, but instead of it driving people away I wish people loved me enough to stay while I grow and become better and let go and learn to trust and really step into the person I know I can be. But instead it’s like people only stay if I’m perfect or if I manage to upkeep the illusion they made up in their head of who I should be or who they want/expect me to be.. but the moment I don’t, the moment I slip up it’s like I’m no good and the bad overrides the good and it feels like I can only have people in my life if I have it all together, but I don’t and I’m moving farther from it. Everyday for as long as I can remember it’s been me on my own trying to fight for myself, fight for a better future, fight for a better life in general.. it’s like I’ve been the only one on my team, one person army and right now these last couple months I’ve taken so many blows I just don’t want to fight anymore.. and when I need someone, to just fight with me or just take the wheel there’s no one and that says a lot to me and that’s why I see no point in being here, because I don’t matter enough to anyone and I think that’s what hurts most of all. I’ve been fighting to stay alive and no one even knows. I can’t afford to stay down so I get back up again and keep going like a walking zombie. I’m so broke and I have no money, and I can’t work right now because I don’t want to fail at my studies. My grades are falling anyways, I can barely sit through classes anymore or do my assignments, what’s the point of all of this anymore? Busy work. But I still do it, it’s like I still show up and do everything I’m supposed to do but only because I’m still breathing not cause I want to. Making friends and meeting people has been so hard and because of my social anxiety now mixed with this depression and hint of self hate that’s been setting in, I don’t see it happening and not sure if it should, I don’t want anyone to see me like this, I don’t want to put my problems on anyone, people don’t want a work in progress. Most of the people at school don’t like me because my anxiety is taken the wrong way.. it’s just hard for me to act normal. I can’t force a smile like how I used to. They all think I’m the weird rude mean girl when really all I ever wanted is to be loved. I love talking to people, I’m just sad and awkward. Despite this all though I have slowly tried to get into my craft again, it’s hard and difficult to do anything but it’s the only thing keeping me and reminding me of the good in me cause lately I’ve been forgetting. It’s just hard to stay motivated in doing it because sometimes I’ll need help with something I’m working on but no one wants to help and I don’t have a friend to call on.. I miss going out with friends, going out to eat and dress up and just experience life, 

idk that’s all. sorry if that was triggering for anyone