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reliableFriend8097
643 M Embraced 5
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts28 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 2, 2024
Recent forum posts
Really sad
Journals & Diaries / by reliableFriend8097
Last post
 Monday
...See more Crazy how before when I heard the word depression I never knew just how scary and over powering it could be. I use to think it was just about being sad and you just needed something to cheer you up. But now that I’m not only older but recently fell into a deep depression, I can honestly say that I never imagined just how scary life and emotions can be.  I’m so unhappy and it hurts everyday. My life is so empty and it sucks because I have little to no energy to put into bettering it. I still do but it takes me much longer to do things, and most of the time I don’t even do it as thorough kind of rush through it just so I can lay down again or go home and go back to being sad and doing nothing. And it’s even harder now to stay consistent or even form better habits. It’s not like I don’t want to, it’s just so so hard now.  I never imagined even all the times in the past where I would say life sucks or I didn’t want to be here anymore there would actually be a time where I wasn’t just being dramatic and I really would be drowning and battling with these thoughts. I take those moments now and realize that I took them for granted because that kind of sadness was nothing compared to this one now.  I feel sad and numb at the same time, not even sure how that works. I’ve lost the desire to keep living and to keep fighting, to get up and create (im an artist) to move my life forward.  I wish I had someone to depend on, I have family but they have no idea and it’s times like this where I wish someone could just take the wheel for me while I rest for a little while. Or not even rest but maybe supercharge me and bring me back to life again cause I think a part of me have died. Sometimes life literally looks grey and my skin looks really pale.  Laughter doesn’t feel like that heartfelt sensation anymore, and sadness feels so much heavier almost like Im just in this body and have to drag it everywhere. I have no desire to make friends even tho I want them so barely or get back up again and create my art because I kind of lost sight of the purpose of that anyway..  I feel stuck.. stuck between living because there’s a small part of me I guess that still wants to, just out of hope and curiosity to see where this could go and who I could be.. but then everything else sits on top of me and I can’t seem to get up. Don’t want to get up.  It really is a battle. 
If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know
Depression Support / by reliableFriend8097
Last post
 July 4th
...See more If anyone knows how to do this please let me know. I really wanna know how to detach from everything. These past couple months I realize I give things too much power over me. One thing, one person or situation can instantly ruin my mood or how I feel about life, others and myself in general. For some time I thought it’d be better off to be without people, because I learned that even when things aren’t toxic or filled w drama, people will always still be imperfect & it’s just inevitable. But in general, I can’t avoid people and I sure can’t avoid downfalls or things in life that don’t go as expected. And yes rejection plays apart but what I’m saying is that I just want to be neutral towards everyone and everything, I don’t want to get angry over a no text back or someone cutting me off in line or traffic or a cashiers bad attitude. I don’t want to let an argument with me and my friend cause me so much distress, I don’t want to care so much anymore. it’s like I want to just have no more expectations for anything or anyone, to not assume the best but also not assume the worst either. In a I want to feel nothing, to just be numb, but not to the point where it means I can’t feel anything good but to the point where the bad doesn’t hit me so hard. I want to make friends, relationships and meet people and be able to let them go easily when it’s time to or if they’re not reciprocating, to just be okay with everything to be neutral. And even for my family, to just know that it will not be the last time that they will disappoint or not see me, and not be so reactive about it. Not saying I don’t want to love and enjoy… just don’t want to keep feeling. I want to be empty. What can I do? 
Falling
Depression Support / by reliableFriend8097
Last post
 March 21st
...See more It’s so annoying. I just received a rejection letter from a company that I applied to. The interview went great and he even said he really liked my personality. It’s annoying tho because these days it really takes a lot out of me. To do anything. I’m literally so tired and I don’t have a lot of fight left in me.. so even getting up and getting dressed to put a smile on my face is so hard. I’m so tired of trying. I’m so tired of fighting. But it seems like everyday these last couple months I have to. And it hurts the most is the fact that i don’t even have anyone to talk to and it’s so hard to even find anyone so even with that I been fighting to find a decent therapist to talk to but you wouldn’t believe how hard that is. The counselor at my school only lets you do 6 sessions, what the *** im gonna do with that? We finished them already and I actually liked her. Now the ones I been finding only offer like 30 minutes and their always scheduled or give responses I don’t connect with and we just don’t vibe. I’m still in the process of finding a long term one but that times time and there’s a lot of trial and error in that process and I guess I just don’t feel like going through all of that again. The last therapist I had was so bad. She literally never knew what to say so I had to cut her off 😭. Most of the time I would be the one asking the questions. And it’s my last year in school but seems like it’s the year I had to fight the most, fight to pull my grades up, pass my classes and smile and talk to everyone in my classes cause their requiring it now. Requiring me to get up and stand in front of everybody when I don’t even wanna be here and I haven’t been thinking straight. So group projects and all that *** and *** be weird, group projects low key be annoying cause people don’t know how to communicate or time manage. I just want to graduate, but it really seems like everything keeps pushing me further from that everyday. It’s so hard and I wish someone knew how hard it was. But no one cares enough and no one takes the time. I honestly don’t matter to anyone. 
Tired
Depression Support / by reliableFriend8097
Last post
 March 16th
...See more I hate to always be/feel so negative but honestly these days the bad just keeps piling on top of one another and there isn’t enough good to drown it out. I’m tired of being so alone. I think that’s what makes everything feel even heavier, cause don’t get me wrong it isn’t easy to get out of sadness but I’ve been feeling more and more everyday that maybe it’d be a little easier and life would be a little less dim, a little less dull if I had other people. Not just any people but people who actually see me, know me and actually understand me. I know I’m not perfect and I’m still learning and still *** up and making mistakes, but instead of it driving people away I wish people loved me enough to stay while I grow and become better and let go and learn to trust and really step into the person I know I can be. But instead it’s like people only stay if I’m perfect or if I manage to upkeep the illusion they made up in their head of who I should be or who they want/expect me to be.. but the moment I don’t, the moment I slip up it’s like I’m no good and the bad overrides the good and it feels like I can only have people in my life if I have it all together, but I don’t and I’m moving farther from it. Everyday for as long as I can remember it’s been me on my own trying to fight for myself, fight for a better future, fight for a better life in general.. it’s like I’ve been the only one on my team, one person army and right now these last couple months I’ve taken so many blows I just don’t want to fight anymore.. and when I need someone, to just fight with me or just take the wheel there’s no one and that says a lot to me and that’s why I see no point in being here, because I don’t matter enough to anyone and I think that’s what hurts most of all. I’ve been fighting to stay alive and no one even knows. I can’t afford to stay down so I get back up again and keep going like a walking zombie. I’m so broke and I have no money, and I can’t work right now because I don’t want to fail at my studies. My grades are falling anyways, I can barely sit through classes anymore or do my assignments, what’s the point of all of this anymore? Busy work. But I still do it, it’s like I still show up and do everything I’m supposed to do but only because I’m still breathing not cause I want to. Making friends and meeting people has been so hard and because of my social anxiety now mixed with this depression and hint of self hate that’s been setting in, I don’t see it happening and not sure if it should, I don’t want anyone to see me like this, I don’t want to put my problems on anyone, people don’t want a work in progress. Most of the people at school don’t like me because my anxiety is taken the wrong way.. it’s just hard for me to act normal. I can’t force a smile like how I used to. They all think I’m the weird rude mean girl when really all I ever wanted is to be loved. I love talking to people, I’m just sad and awkward. Despite this all though I have slowly tried to get into my craft again, it’s hard and difficult to do anything but it’s the only thing keeping me and reminding me of the good in me cause lately I’ve been forgetting. It’s just hard to stay motivated in doing it because sometimes I’ll need help with something I’m working on but no one wants to help and I don’t have a friend to call on.. I miss going out with friends, going out to eat and dress up and just experience life,  idk that’s all. sorry if that was triggering for anyone 
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