The man who could give advice but never take some for himself
Good evening all,
Tonight was a very bad night for me, the real me, not this character I use on here. I spent the last two years in silence. I had five loving pets but my significant other was nowhere to be found. I lost my father in 2022, and since that day I have been struggling with the idea of death as it was the first of my immediate family.
My wife, who has experienced this about ten years prior, was nowhere to be found. I only wanted her to talk to me about it as she has witnessed me having breakdowns nearly every day since then but chose to put headphones in, while blasting the TV in the background. I have been begging her to talk to me but would only get told how horrible I am.
I have submitted to her every request and it wasn't good enough. I wrote her a short story and chose to give it to her as a gift, and asked her not to read it in such a way that she did. It's very tough trying to win someone's heart that doesn't see that we no longer do the things we used to, we don't spend actual time together, and communication is impossible to have over the numerous sound barriers that they have on.
I only wanted to make her happy and proud that I regained my passion for writing but somehow ended up making her hate me even more. When I would write stories back during school I would get an a+ while also getting threatened with expulsion for that same story. That was what kept me from writing this entire time and it's only come back to haunt me again.
I promised her I would just shut up and go back to staying out of her way, not knowing my story would also be something I should have just burned instead. I made a few copies that I was going to give to friends that sheltered me after she kicked me out last year but now I'm burning them as well.
The damage is done and my wife paints me as a monster, I learn too late that I should have just shut up. She was happy when I didn't talk, and making her happy is all that I wanted. And so I will now take advice for myself as to never hurt anyone's feelings again.
None of this is your fault. Your wife sounds like a bit of a monster to be honest. You should not need to tip toe around her to make her happy. That is not what a marriage is.
She wanted you to destroy your story because that gave her power over you. You deserve to be happy without her in your life at all. Sometimes we have to find our own happiness first.
It starts by doing simple things to care for yourself. At the moment are you eating okay and drinking fluids? Are you getting outside at all? @DanDrisco
Good evening to you,
Thank you for your response. My appetite has been very poor, I have lost about 40 lbs in the span of a month, I am drinking alot of water but that's about it. Sleep and showering has also become a stranger to me. This entire situation crushed my being, I don't feel like me anymore.
I know that you feel crushed at the moment. I am so, so sorry. You have been traumatized. Do you have outside resources like a therapist or doctor that you have spoken with? They can really help.
Then the next step is to force yourself to eat regularly. Your mind will tell you that you don't need it or that it isn't helping. It is. You are less able to control the sleep. You are able to control the eating even if it is mechanical and it doesn't taste good. It will give you more physical strength which will slowly help with everything else.
You can also write here every night if you want. I always answer between 24 and 48 hours. Just getting it out of your head also helps. @DanDrisco
Good evening @bestVase7265
Thank you for your response. I had a therapist a few years ago, but they stopped answering my calls after the second session. Although it was the first therapist that I had, it ruined my trust for that field enough to not open up to a new person.
That was around the same time that I quit alcohol which was a very tough decision to stick with but 3 years later, facing my first divorce and the loss of my father within the last year, I refuse to go back to the bottle.
I will admit that I used marijuana to replace that addiction for a while but I quit that as well. I also quit screens meaning: computers, video games and have put my phone back to vanilla standard with exception to this app. After giving up all of these I find myself very lonely.
Now I find myself fighting to reconnect with people emotionally, but it's not the same as it once was now that I have become an outcast. I understand that people have their own lives and I accept that, but finding myself married to a woman who can't seem to say 'I love you' to my face.
I question if my giving up all of these addictions is worth it. I still love my wife even though she calls me "a f**"ing a**hole" and I still talk to my friends even though they only refer to Internet things instead of just coming outside and going for a walk.
I am running on fumes at this point. I still refuse to think or use the s*****e ideology so that's not an option. if this is what the rest of life is going to be I don't know how I am going to continue. I do consider buying a boat and just leaving everything behind with my pet but it's not the answer either.
Sorry to trauma dump on you and everyone, I just need to vent a little bit in hopes that if there's someone out there experiencing these same issues, I can at least help them not feel like I do.
You are allowed to dump here as often as you need to. I do understand.
There were some good things in there in that you have overcome a number of addictions and you aren't contemplating a real end. Those things show lots of strength and courage.
But you deserve better than what you have right now. Your wife is abusive so an escape with your pet for a bit is actually not a bad idea. You need some rest and a place to think through things.
I also would consider going to a doctor. It doesn't have to be a therapist at the moment. Just go to your regular doctor and tell them how you are feeling. There are very much ways to feel better.
How is the eating going today? Try to think very much on the day to day level right now rather than thinking about the bigger picture.@DanDrisco
Good evening @bestVase7265
Being back with my mom has been very peaceful. I plan to go to a doctor sometime soon now that I am back with my family doctors area. Eating today was non existent at first, I had some pizza which didn't sit great but i am happy I ate something.
I have been stuck in big picture for some time and while it has been a learning lesson in many ways, I found myself standing in the fork in the road. I'm not sure which direction to pick, so I am regaining my time to make the decision. I just hope it is the right one.
Thank you for all you have said, it has helped put my mind at ease enough to consider real sleep tonight, if I am given the luxury.
You are doing this and working toward healing yourself. You should be proud of what you are accomplishing. Resting at your mom's and starting to eat is awesome.
Yes, this may indeed be a fork in the road but it is one where the answer appears gradually. You make the decisions on a slow, more daily basis by following what feels right. That is all you have to do.
What feels right at the moment is being with your mom and slowly eating some more. That is enough.
I am here to encourage you any time that you need. You can do this.
@bestVase7265
good day to you,
My appetite remains on and off, but slow progress is better than none I suppose. You have been a good help to my mind, which has been full of worry and doubt. I have had a good amount of time to try and put myself together and find a purpose, I tried to help the elderly around me, i cannot get the time of silence I have been looking for.
I came back home to help my mom and she won't allow me to, I ended up back in the sit down and shut up place. I don not feel seen as a person, I have not felt that way for a long time.
Focus on the immediate issues for right now. I saw two things here. Let me make sure that I am understanding you properly.
You said that you are trying to help elderly people (excellent idea by the way) but that isn't giving you much rest. Remind yourself that rest takes many forms. It isn't just physical rest. The mental rest from not having to think about the past is good rest too.
You also said that your mom is rejecting your help a bit. What kinds of help are you offering and what is she rejecting? I know that my own mom struggles when I offer help because she still wants to be independent when she can't quite be that anymore. Sometimes compromise helps a little.
Continuing to try to eat even when you don't have an appetite is a victory. That is all you need right now. Your mind will slowly but surely get you back to the point where you can taste and enjoy your food.@DanDrisco
Good day to you @bestVase7265
I have helped a few neighbors when it came to snow removal and offering them my number to help them with anything they would need. While a few of them have children that can help there are two that live alone, so they would be the ones that would benefit most.
When it comes to my mom, I have asked her to allow me to fix up the house as it has not been updated since the 80s. She continuously told me no, then yesterday decided that she wants all these things done. I would like to have time to ease my mind for a moment but I can't. Sooner or later I will reattempt to eat again, waking up today my appetite is not there so we'll see.
Thank you for listening again
Do one project at a time. It will really help to put your mind elsewhere. Keep them simple and start with the easiest first. It is part of how the brain heals by focusing on very small goals. You should tell yourself each time you complete the smallest thing that you have done something and it matters.
That includes eating. Each time you eat, praise yourself for having done so. Remember without calories, fighting all of this is impossible.
I know it feels quite stupid right now, but what you are trying to do is switch up the language in your brain. The change happens slowly, but it does happen. @DanDrisco
@DanDrisco hey!!
I'm truly sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. It sounds incredibly challenging to feel unheard and unappreciated by someone you care about deeply. It's clear that you've been trying your best to reconnect and make things right, but it's disheartening when your efforts seem to be met with misunderstanding and hurt.
Your passion for writing is a beautiful outlet, and it's unfortunate that it's caused further strain in your relationship. It's okay to feel hurt and frustrated by this situation. Remember, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard and understood.
Please know that you're not alone in this. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and seek support from friends or loved ones who can provide a listening ear and empathy during this difficult time.
Taking care of yourself is essential, and I hope you can find moments of peace and solace amidst the turmoil. You are worthy of love and understanding, and I'm here to offer support and encouragement however I can.
Good day @helpingpeace
Thank you for your kind words. I have given up on myself in order to help everyone around me. I reached out to a few friends and found they were struggling with their own issues, so I disregarded my issues to help them with theirs.
Being hurt has been too familiar as of late, which is fine since I would rather make sure the ones around me are okay before i can get to focusing on me again. Appetite being the first obstacle to get by I would like to enjoy food again that doesn't just come back up. Someday it will work out, I just would rather it be sooner than later.
I hope your day is good and thank you for your kind words.
All of a sudden, I ran across this thread and I am captivated. I do hope for full recovery for you and am so happy to see another Writer on here. Keep on Writing!
Good evening to you @PatienceImpatiens
One day at a time, that is all that I can do. I believe that I have had a moment of clarity today while walking through a park that my family would frequent when I was a child. It brought back alot of good memories, and I was fortunate enough to leave my own in the vicinity of that park.
Three days before my step father passed, who I consider my true father, he whispered something under his breath that has stuck with me in more ways than I can explain. "I wanted to travel the world" was that whisper. So, I have been carrying the small urn with his ashes around with me. Whenever I find myself in a new location, I say a few words to him and sprinkle some in that area.
Today, it was in that same park that he and my uncles taught me how to fish. It may not be much to some people, but fore it was beautiful. I have placed some by his parents headstone as well after cleaning it, which is what he would do after he was diagnosed with cancer. I will continue to frequent that headstone to make sure it is kept clean and say a few words of peace to them all.
Someday, I hope to create some writings or poems with you. It has been difficult refining my passion for writing as nobody I know is into books or jotting down a few thoughts of their own. I wrote this a few days ago and have kept it to myself, it's something I conjured up around my 3.3 mark of sobriety. I believe that you are someone I should share it with. I hope you have great days from here on.
Addict - flame -
A bottle, a glass, a can
Liquid gold burning internally -
A bottle, a glass, a can
Purification promised to man
A bottle, a glass, a can
Gain self strength universally
A bottle, a glass, a can
Blowing in the wind from a hand
A bottle, a glass, a can
A treasure found externally
A bottle, a glass, a can
Lay still on the land
A bottle, a glass, a can
A fire that burns eternally -
A bottle, a glass, a can
Disappear as a grain of sand
@DanDrisco
Hi, Dan,
Thank you for sharing your ways of remembering your step father by taking his ashes to places he could not travel, and now he is literally traveling there physically. Also, you have taken care that they are places that would be meaningful to him. That is so thoughtful of you.
Poetry, the act of writing, being in the "flow" state as one is writing, the words themselves, can be such a healing exercise. Also, now that covid has subsided in force, there are actual "poetry jams." I know we have them where I live, where poets gather and share their work to an appreciative audience of mostly other poets. I longed, since I was a child, to be a doctor and to be a writer. I am semi-retired, I don't know why I don't yet embrace "fully retired" now but I'm getting to write most of the time, which I love and detest, as one loves and detests beasts we are close to. I'm pretty sure I'm not expressing myself correctly, but I will say this: I am firmly of the opinion that writing can be healing and that it is also a portal into another world. Evidence: those hours spent "reading the library" as a child during which I was transported into other worlds.
Thank you for sharing your writing and also your presence with our community. You've already received a warm welcome and I do hope you will keep sharing your process of healing with us.
Love and Courage,
Patience
@PatienceImpatiens
Good day to you,
Thank you for your encouraging words, it has been a struggle returning to this particular road, as my writings have gotten me excellent grades but would always be misinterpreted by my teachers. My latest creation, which is still in the works, had that same outcome.
Writing eightyfour hundred words in the span of four hours, it was somewhat rushed and I explained that it was only a rough draft. I am conflicted on whether to finish writing it or not.
To be, or not to be.
@DanDrisco
Dan, Glad you're here. Keep on writing.
Love and Courage,
Patience
The poem is beautiful and your words were beautiful. I am so glad that you got to go to the park today. You should do that more often.
I too want to travel as much as possible. I have already enlisted my own kids to spread my ashes as they travel just like you are doing. There is so much to see out there.
@bestVase7265
Good day to you,
Thank you for your kind words. After disconnecting from the Internet, I learned that there is a whole world out there that many have forgotten about. I understand from the perspective of infinite dopamine as well as looking around and seeing how reliant the masses have become in that lifestyle.
I can only lead by example to those around me, it is up to them if they want to follow in my search for rediscovering the outdoors and all it has to offer or to stay consumed by the video games and infinite doom scrolling.
I am going to continue to take him to as many places as I can, as I was the only one who heard this specific wish I can be the only one to carry it out. I hope you and yours are doing well, and best wishes to your family tree.
You do sound so much better than just a few days ago. I know that getting outside and walking daily really transformed everything for me. It makes it all feel doable. You are headed down a good path. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Good day to you and happy Valentine's Day to you and all❤️
I have been learning that it's not a rat race to betterment, as much as I have tried to prove otherwise I have found one step at a time is the best course of action. I am very thankful for you and the others here that have helped me with all of my issues, it is very rare to find an app that welcomes others in the way you all have done for me.
I am grateful for being directed to this space by a neighbor, a man that I have been struggling in conversating with since that day. I have been told to just talk to him, but when I would knock on his door he would not answer. I did not want to be a bother to him, and I have struggled with trying to muster up courage over my shyness to find a moment to tell him all that I have experienced since that day.
I hope you, your family and friends everyone here have a beautiful Valentine's Day
That is really great. I know when I get nervous about talking to someone, I find it easier to write it out. Maybe you could leave a note in his mailbox or in his door. I bet that he would appreciate it.@DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Good evening to you,
That is actually a good idea that I may try. I am ignorant for not remembering his name, so I would have to find a way to address it in a manner that directly gets his attention, so it is not mistaken by his family. I have been thinking about writing a letter to all of my family and friends to reignite the mailing system and give sentimental value back to personal holdings, and this would help reintroduce myself to him.
I will have to figure out a way to address it, then I can get this ball rolling. Thank you for the idea, as always I hope you and yours are doing well ❤️
Maybe something like "To the kind gentleman who offered me advice a few weeks ago". Then at least only male residents of the house would read it and it most likely would get to the right person. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Good evening to you,
This is a good, I am ashamed to admit it has been a year since he helped me. I have talked to him in passing one time after that, and once again I am ashamed it was for a selfish reason. I have been trying to help everyone around me and I forgot to help the one who was good to me.
I have fear that my writing will be another reminder of that curse that follows me, and I am trying my hardest to stay in faith even though I am walking on the edge of losing it. I won't truly know until I write him, I have hope for a good response. I will update once I find out. Thank you for your kindness, it is very appreciated.
The timing doesn't make much difference. "To the kind man who offered me advice a year ago" actually sounds even better. You are still remembering what he did a year later. That will make him quite happy that he did something that stuck with you. @bestVase7265
