Perhaps it will give me a little smile while I am underground...

I thought I had previously reached the top of depression mountain, but I found out that I was only on a small hill under the water...

Tears flowed from my eyes until I felt tired, dizzy and suffocated. I haven't cried like this in years...

My soul trembled as my body was shivering. I stayed like this for a while until suddenly everything stopped....

I don't feel anything anymore...all the water dried up and the feelings dried up with it. And I don't want to get out of here. The place is good here. to disappear...

And if I go out one day, out of this place, I want to lie down quietly, with the sky above me. I might fall asleep for a while under the stars... That's what crossed my mind for few seconds...

I love the sky but after all I want to be a part of the earth, beneath it.

I want to be underfoot, so that my sins may fade away with me. May everything I regretted go away with me.

Perhaps that person would have a little pity on me and appreciate my sacrifices, perhaps that would break the icy cells of her heart...

Perhaps God will see my situation... and avenge me...

Perhaps it will give me a little smile while I am underground...

Maybe none of this will happen...

But at least I will be with my mother.