Partner of someone who's depressed - any advice?
Hello, wise community, I am really trying to stay grounded while my partner struggles with depression.
In short, I want to support him as best I can when he's in a depressed phase, which has happened more times than I can count.
I know he is struggling and hurting, it's really obvious. He wants to be alone and basically pushes me away and out of his life for days or weeks at a time. I know this has nothing to do with me and I'm trying not to take it personally, and I'm finding that REALLY hard to do.
It's like I have this best friend who is sweet and loving and fully functional one day, and then he wakes up the next morning in a totally changed mood funk and then spends the next several days barely saying hi or doing anything.
We have already talked about how I can offer support during these times, and it seems all he wants is that I just leave him alone and still be his friend when he resurfaces. Honestly, that's the hardest thing to do, to watch someone I care about struggle like that and feel so completely useless.
For anyone here reading this, what advice or insights would you give the people who care about you when you're experiencing depression? Do you hate them during that time? Do you even think about them during that time? Are you just glad to know they're around? Do you want people to offer to help with stuff? Do you just want to be left alone? Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed?
I know everyone's different, just looking for any stories that anyone is willing to share. Any insights at all would be helpful to me (and maybe other people reading this as well!) Thanks so much! :)
@GoingInCircles365I
have recently come out of a deep funk... my partner has never learned to read the room and i have felt most of what you describe .... sometimes i dislike them, sometimes i am glad to know they will be there when i emerge .. offers of help can be taken a couple of ways ... sometimes i am like Back off you are NOT helping as my partner thinks they can fix things they cannot.... sometimes small things like taking chores off my hands is helpful.... ( side note if they do it wrong i can snap )
it is not as much embarrassment and resentment that i feel this upends my life and think i can never get that time back. have missed events/ or opportunities but finding a balance is hard sometimes.
@toughTiger6481
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your candid thoughts.
I'm really trying to see the situation from both sides. Seeing it from my perspective is easy, because I'm me. But trying to see and understand my partner's perspective is a challenge.
What you describe does sound very similar to my partner's experience, and I know I'm not in any position to 'fix' anyone else's problems, I just want to show support, and I also want to feel like a respected member of a 2-person relationship. I know it's a difficult situation from both sides.
Sorry to hear you are going through this yourself. I hope your partner is able to understand your perspective and respect your wishes when you go into your own dark place.
I know that it is so tough watching someone that you love struggle. I am sorry. A few suggestions:
1) Make sure that you have other people to talk to. You deserve support too.
2) When he is up for it, hold hands or just be in the same room. Ask regularly how each day is going. Remind him that you care and you aren't going anywhere (his brain tells him that you will abandon him if he is honest about his emotions). If he says nothing, just back away for the day.
3) As much as you can, make sure he is eating and drinking water. He can't fight the beast if he doesn't have food and hydration.
4) Try to get him outside to walk or even just sitting outside. Nature is also a great healer.
Do any of those ideas sound doable?@GoingInCircles365
@bestVase7265
Hi, thanks for your reply and suggestions.
1. yes, I realize that I need to take care of myself and build my own support system and community, and I have done that. I am grateful for my friends and family and my own sense of independence that help get me through life.
2. When my partner comes out of his funks, he slowly starts to seek touches and I always accept his bids for touch and connection, but I can't force these things if he isn't ready. I think we're both pretty good and reading each others body language, and I can usually tell when he wants his own space, but if he's receptive to touch, I'll just do a quick hand on the back or something. Sometimes he ignores it, sometimes he leans in for a hug, but I leave that up to him.
3. He's not in such a deep place as to not eat, so I'm not worried about basic life-sustaining water and nutrition. He eats less than usual, but that's okay.
4. Fortunately, he likes going for walks and he knows that going outside for a walk feels important. So if he does nothing else in a day, he will at least go for a short walk (alone, he often doesn't want company, but sometimes he'll invite me along and just say "i don't want to talk" so we walk in silence) but the important thing is that he's out getting exercise.
So yeah, we get though these times. The hardest part for me is feeling like I am in a partnership with my best friend and then suddenly and without warning, my best friend dives into a hole of despair and shuts out the entire rest of the world and there isn't a single thing I can do about it except wait.
But you aren't just waiting at all from his perspective.
You are calmly remaining a presence in his life without questioning. That is a life force of surviving depression - knowing that someone exists on the other side.
Go on as many of those walks as he lets you go on. Sit in the same room when you can.
I found with my own journey that the lows were often quite sudden and not always triggered by anything (other than the brain chemicals suddenly getting off). They are equally *** feeling. But I know now that having made it through multiple bouts that I have the techniques to get out of the hole faster. I hope that it is the same for him.
It might be easier to consider his depression as something like chronic heart disease or diabetes. Sometimes just sitting by the person while they are going through the tough stuff is all that they really need. It is really hard that they seem to disappear and you don't know when they are coming back. But they are coming back. They love you and want to be with you. @GoingInCircles365
@bestVase7265
Hi, thanks for your reply. I think you are exactly right, and it's good to hear that again, that all he really needs from me is just to know that I'm still here. And I am.
And yes, as you say, there's' no predicting when it will come up again, the depression, it's like one day everything is fine and the next day everything is ***.
I'm doing what I can to take care of me during those uncertain and unpredictable times. I have let him know multiple times that when he goes into his moods, I will do what I can to take care of my own needs, but that I'll be around when he's ready to interact again.
Thanks again, I appreciate your time and comments.
I am hoping that things are better right now. I have had a few really rough days myself and so I have been really reminded of how hard it is to emerge. I want to do it for my husband so that he won't feel the effects, but I just can't. So I get more depressed. It is quite the vicious cycle. Hopefully it will break soon. @GoingInCircles365
I hope that things have been going a little more smoothly for you. @GoingInCircles365
Thanks. It is still a roller coaster at points but overall more good days than bad. I hope that your husband is also on a good wave rather than a bad one.@GoingInCircles365
@GoingInCircles365
"The hardest part for me is feeling like I am in a partnership with my best friend and then suddenly and without warning, my best friend dives into a hole of despair and shuts out the entire rest of the world and there isn't a single thing I can do about it except wait."
Yes. This. I understand this so much. I'm in that situation myself. Everything is great - and then it's not. And there seems to be nothing to do but wait for the "episode" to be over.
@thoughtfulmomma
I'm sure we aren't alone in this. If you're still following this thread (I keep losing track of it), how do you help yourself get through it? For me, the waiting part is about (1) letting my partner know that I'm there if he needs me, (2) keeping busy with my own life, and (3) trying to take care of myself and my own mental health, even though it's really hard when I'm worried about my partner.
My main thing with depression is the guilt I feel for the other person having to see me depressed. I feel guilty they have to go through it with me which makes it worse. So what helps me is that my partner is doing things he loves and giving me some space to work things out. I want him to be proud of me. Maybe if he does something different you could encourage him by saying that he inspired you. I know everyone is different but that’s helps me
@crimsonEast4639
Hi, thanks for your reply. I REALLY appreciate hearing different people's perspectives. And yes, it's good when everyone can respect everyone else's space, and honor their individual needs.
We're all different, very very true, and I hope your partner is supportive of you in a way that is helpful to you.
@GoingInCircles365
As someone who has depression and anxiety try to talk to your partner and let them know your there for them even if it is the smallest thing bothering them. Let them know you support them and help them when asked.