Nothing seems to be going right
My mother finally told me at the start of our Saturday call that something was wrong. She told me that my younger sister, the one who only just got off the street this week has decided she wants to go back to the shelter she was kicked out of. I don’t know if she has a problem with the cubicle she was given, but she bugged our mother for her credit card number so she could ride a pay as you go scooter there.
My mom said no and they had a bit of an argument that unsettled my mom, made her really nervous because it was a rehashed old arguments plus the idea that my sister was going to ruin it at her new place and make her and the dog homeless again.
My mom was panicking because she’s in the middle of a terrible flare of her COPD but refuses to go to the hospital or urgent care even if I volunteer to go along with her to help smooth things over as an advocate and offer emotional support.
She said no because she always says no, then continued to say no when I offered to help her shop or get water. Her friend who has Covid again offered to send her Amazon groceries, and that was nice. My mom won’t starve but she also isn’t taking help from me.
She had to get off the phone and call me back several times between calls from her friend and having to stop talking because of all of the coughing and choking.
I’m trying to focus on the positives with my mother instead of everything wrong with my sister. At least my mother will have food soon.
@integrityblues I'm sorry to hear about your family dynamics. It makes sense to me why you would be so worried about your sister. Lack of stability and facing homeless is no joke and can take toll. I hope things get better for your sister and that she one day gets back on track. I know right now you may feel like nothing is going right but you did mention that your mom has someone that is sending her groceries, so knowing that your mom will be fed and have food available to her is a good thing. I do not know the severity of all that you and your loved ones are facing but I truly hope things get better for the all of you. <3
You are doing the best you can. Take a deep breath. All of that drama with your mom and your sister are very, very draining. You have a good idea in focusing on the things that will be better for your mom soon. Give her a little space and hope. I just read a piece called "Hope is a Discipline" and I am trying to use it as a mantra. It can really be soothing to believe that you have no choice but to look for the hope.
What kinds of things are you doing to care for yourself? @integrityblues
Sleeping, mostly. Then I woke up this morning to my mom’s text from the ER. She’s got a lung infection now which is why her recent flare has been so awful.
I spoke to my aunt and ended up asking to not go with her to a family thing because this was such a surprise and a stress.
My mom is getting IV antibiotics, that she might stay overnight, and has told me that she doesn’t want any of us to come to her. I gave the news and warned my older sister and don’t have my younger sister’s information. At least my older sister knows what’s up and that it’s easier for our mother to text instead of talk.
Ugh. I am so sorry to hear. I am going through a similar bout of worrying over my own parents. It is so tough, especially when they ask you not to come and you just want to help.
The IV antibiotics will help though. It was good that she knew when to go to the ER too. It also explains in part why she was so upset about your younger sister - her body wasn't feeling well enough to deal with the emotional stress.
So, the key is that you keep yourself from getting sick at this point because that will make the other stuff harder on you. How are you eating at the moment? Still doing the healthier stuff? @integrityblues
my older sister visited our mother and reported back to me that she looks good. That the antibiotics were started as a precaution as the doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with her.
Ive said 20 Mi Sheberachs for her, just in case.
I haven’t been doing extremely well because the end of last month was a very thin month good wise. I’ve been over eating and having way too many sweets, so I’m starting Monday fresh by shopping for ingredients to make that rice wasabi dish you mentioned.
Im also trying to get my kitchen in order since I found my first summer cockroach this week, then a half dead one this morning because I’d thoroughly sprayed the kitchen with bug spray.
You are starting Monday fresh with the diet. That is the important part. Sorry that things have been lean financially. I am always willing to share recipes when I find something that is cheaper, healthy, and tasty. You can also do a bit of exercise even without the eating part going well. Even in your apartment, every little bit helps.
Your mom is feeling better. That is important too. Keep focused on the good. You are going to get yourself to a better spot.
@integrityblues
As I said, I have just been doing some of this stuff all summer with my parents. Dad needed to go into assisted living in early June and then ended up at the hospital dehydrated from not eating. It was a small hospital so although it was just dehydration, he ended up in ICU. They didn't move him enough so he got a bedsore. When he came back to assisted living, they tried to treat it but eventually decided that he needed rehab for it to really get better. He just finished a month of rehab today and is finally back in assisted living. My mother is really bad with using the phone and she won't learn how to to text. so there have been tons of points where I haven't known what is going on. It really is a ton of waiting and worrying. All that I can do is make sure that I stay healthy and have enough energy to assist them. @integrityblues
I’m glad your dad is back in assisted living after the stay in rehab. Bed sores are no joke and it’s so easy to become dehydrated.
I’ve been very frustrated about the texting since I can’t call her up and stress or strain her lungs by making her talk to me.
I think one of the unexpected positives of this hospital trip is my mother is eating better and healthier than usual. She’s joking about how she’s likely going to gain more weight that she doesn’t need, but it’s got to have more protein and less salt than her normal diet so I’m grateful. The coffee is terrible but it always is, so I reminded her that once she’s out and back home she can have a Starbucks.
Maybe she will actually discover a better diet in the hospital because there are things that are healthier that actually taste good. You can hope.
Texting can work until she can talk more. It is good that it isn't so draining for her. You are blessed that she doesn't have any challenges with the texting. @integrityblues
She left the hospital yesterday night because she was so non compliant.
Shes just gotten home and was resting, but she took the time to call me and talk about her visit. She didn’t stay long enough to get a conclusive diagnosis or answer for what was happening.
She finally revealed that she’s been regularly using meth since my father died of his own drug overdose.
I don’t really know what to do anymore, but fell back into being kind and empathetic with her, I don’t know if she’s actually going to get the help she needs or is going to pull another “if I can’t make your little sister get help I won’t either” like with the therapy.
That sounds really, really frustrating. You deserve to be angry at her and the situation. Smoking meth is certainly not heading in the right direction and it is not clear that she knows how to get on the right path because it seems scary and it is easier to blame your sister and the anxiety that she causes.
It would be so nice if we could get others to wake up, but we cannot. You can be supportive but only if you are not letting it hurt you. When you live in your mom's world rather than your own, then you can't get stronger. It becomes the same relationship that she is having with your sister.
So I am going to suggest the really, really hard. Spend as much time as you possibly can focused on you. Make sure that you are eating and drinking okay. Make sure that you are doing therapy. Exercise. Make sure that you are continuing the job hunt. Those need to be your focus.
Yes, you can check on your mom but keep it limited to maybe once a day. Then once the conversation is over give yourself maybe a half hour to an hour to mull things over. Then call yourself done for the day on that front and go back to you. Don't use your mom's situation as an excuse not to move forward on what YOU need. @integrityblues
I understand. I spent most of yesterday in a muddled haze. I almost overslept through the few hour grace period I have to give my shot “within the same time” and not miss it.
I made another post about feeling stupid regarding a DOR call I got that day that that I nearly messed up by unexpectedly sobbing after explaining that my break from the DOR was due to my father’s death, not my disease so I’d require a sudden rushed visit to my doctor to sign a paper and declare me ready to work.
I got to speak to my aunt while I was in the middle of a call with my mom, and explained to my aunt that when I learned about my mother’s drug use that I was so disappointed but didn’t feel I could say that while maintaining our relationship where I remain positive and helpful, empathetic and kind. That she would start lying to me more about what was going on.
That it was hard enough losing a father to a drug overdose that I didn’t think I could take losing them both to the same thing.
She suggested I just tell her that she disappointed me; that we’re both adults and I should feel like I’m able to make that statement to my mom.
And after I did, my mom was cool with it, expected it, and later on revealed that she’d even lied to me about the day she went into the damn hospital; she was in the hospital starting Wednesday or Thursday, not Sunday. She told me she didn’t want me to worry so she only said something on Sunday!
So yes, I think I’m going to have to change how much time I devote to my mother. I love her very much but I need to focus on me too.
Your brain is moving you in the right direction. That is most important.
It is great that you were able to share the disappointment with your mom. I would focus on how hard it is for you when she lies to you. You are an adult and deserve the truth. She doesn't want to admit how serious things are, but that impacts you directly. So if you can, set up something that if you catch her lying again about ANYTHING that you will cut off contact for a week or something like that.
But again, you can just focus solidly on you. How has exercise been lately?@integrityblues
That is great. Focus on the cool air as you are walking. Sometimes it is nice to look for green plants too. It really lets you put your brain in a different spot. @integrityblues
I hope that you had a good day today. @integrityblues
I had my DOR intake phone call earlier than expected. I had to identify a job goal for my case and ended up circling back to technical writing even if I don’t care for it. I fumbled around filling out emailed forms and forgot how to do e-signatures so got a free 7 day trial of adobe that I had to unsubscribe from almost immediately in case I forgot about it later on. I had to resend one of the forms twice because some information kept disappearing.
I finally cooked some chicken so I had something more than water and cheese sandwiches for the day, then I got the biggest tension headache afterwards. I took some Excederin and iced my forehead while playing video games.
I’m exhausted and just want to get the chance to rest well before I go to therapy at 11 tomorrow.
But those are all good things to be doing. I can totally get how exhausting it all was, but also be proud of yourself.
You moved a bit towards a job - check! You made some better food - check! You found some time to relax doing video games - check! All good things for you.
You are going to find a path forward. @integrityblues
@integrityblues 😥 that's really sad. How come your sister is on the streets? Homeless?? And yeah I live in a old folks nursing home. One old lady here is very stubbon 🙂 she refuses all help. There's only so much you can do! And in the midst of all this. Please please take care of yourself too
@integrityblues
Oh man, I can only imagine how tough this must be for you and your family. It's like you're watching your mom struggle, but she's not letting you in. It's a tough spot to be in. But hey, it's good to hear that her friend is stepping up and offering to send her groceries through Amazon. At least she won't go hungry, and that's a relief. I know it's hard to focus on the positives when everything feels like it's falling apart, but keep reminding yourself that your mom will have food soon. And even though she's not accepting your help right now, keep letting her know that you're there for her, regardless. Sometimes, it just takes a little time for people to come around and accept the support they need.
