Nothing gets better
I’ve been trying to get the energy to post since my last effort a few days ago was ruined because of an error on the app.
I’ve been having a lot of troubles lately. I just feel so alone and exhausted. I admitted to my therapist that I’ve been having trouble with urges to self harm, that the night before our appointment I’d quietly sobbed as I looked up the difference between self harm and suicide, that the tears were mostly because I know I’m not supposed to be turning to self harm to cope.
My mom has been experiencing COPD flares more frequently and refuses to speak to her doctor about it. I had to twist her arm to accept my help because she couldn’t even shop for food or diapers. Plus her wall furnace wasn’t working as our morning temps were in the 40s with lots of wind and she was being weird about asking her manager or management company to fix it for her.
I got there early after a long trip by Metro and bus. I laid on the floor to light her pilot to see if that would solve the problem (it did). After I took a break and looked at her list I eventually got going to the store that wasn’t too far away. The store didn’t have her diapers so she said she’d get them the next day, but when I spoke with her yesterday she wasn’t doing well and was refusing my help.
she eventually got it done, but I could have been faster and she wouldn’t have been so tired.
Im just really stressed out about her declining health.
@integrityblues
so sorry you had trouble with the app! i'm giving this post a bump for you so others can chime in. i hope you get a lot of good support, be it here in the forums or other areas of the platform (i am happy to help guide you around if you have questions)!
I am so sorry that it is a struggle right now, but so happy that I managed to have enough time to get onto the regular thread tonight and find your message. Know that if you keep adding to a single thread, I will see it and I will answer, but I don't usually have enough time at the moment to go searching for new threads.
Also, the app can be problematic. I almost never have trouble with the computer version so that might help.
Self harm ideation and suicidal ideation are the points at which talking to someone is really critical. It sounds as though caring for your mom has burnt you out. Remind yourself that you can only do so much and that you need to find a spot for you. @integrityblues
Thanks bestVase. I’ll add to my dream journal thread more often.
my mom is just so frustrating.
You can just add to this thread too. I will see this one every time.
Yes, moms are indeed frustrating and we worry about them. Mine has cataract surgery on Monday. She is convinced she will be driving by Wednesday even though she was told to take a week off. And she needs a second eye surgery and probably a hip replacement. All of which feels like it is somehow my fault for trying to get her to slow down.
So we worry and try our best. I know that you are doing the same. @integrityblues
I hope that your mom’s surgery both goes well and she follows her doctors instructions afterwards.
My mom is now talking about going to the hospital (treating the ambulance like a taxi to get to the nearest ER). She’s had a bag packed for awhile and is now thinking if she doesn’t do it tonight she’ll go tomorrow.
I’m so burned out. She keeps burning bridges with people she’s friendly with like the lady who said she would bring her edibles when my mom asked for soup. She’s also told me no, I’m not allowed to come down and go shopping for her since she is lacking plenty of stuff and relying on other friends to get her fast food.
She’s running out of her medicines too, so I suggested that she try and speak to her pharmacist about getting refills since she’s been using her inhalers and nebulizer non stop during her flare that has been going on so long.
I’m trying my best to remain calm, but she’s extremely stubborn and paranoid which is a terrible mix for going to the hospital.
Sometimes those voices from the outside (like nurses and doctors) can eventually help parents wake up to a reality in a way that kids cannot. When the doctors start saying the same thing as you maybe she will start to listen.
She thinks that the hospital will be better but they will immediately start to assert control over what she is doing that she won't like. It might be the scare that she needs to get her to do what is necessary at home.
So you can try to hope for the best. I know that it is hard though. @integrityblues
@integrityblues Life is a piece of sh*t and it seems that it only wants to test our suffering capacity to some people.