Nagging feeling in the heart
Hello,
Im M, i’m a 19 year old closeted homesexual who lives in a strict middle eastern country
It started 10 days ago. I hanged with someone I know from uni in a VC app to study for a final. And suddenly after I finished the call I started feeling depressive (A nagging feeling in my heart, im hungry but don't eat, I feel like crying and I do usually before sleeping, I stopped eating even though I feel hungry it’s like im to depressed to eat, I have 0 passion to stuff I liked before like video games) and the nagging thing in my heart is 24/7 since I finished that call.
It was in the finals season so I thought it was the finals causing this but I finished 3 days ago and im still feeling like this. So I went to the original source which was the call. It all started after finishing the call. So I thought maybe im catching feeling for this guy? Even though I know it’s impossible cause it’s a homophobic country and I can’t do anything (Im also a Practicing muslim, I don’t act on my gay feeling with people I just watch porn which doesn’t even satisfy me anymore)
I meet this friend like 4 times a day since August 2024 and I knew him before then too. So im still so confused on if it’s actually me having feelings or not. Why did all this start after ending the call. My brain says no you literally see him as a friend but it’s like im forcing it to be the reason for these feelings. I have no clue if it is the reason or not. If I like him or not.
Maybe it’s just because I know I will never find a relationship? I was fine with that for years. Why does it bother me now?
Im sorry to just burst out and say too many things at the same time.
I’ve had undiagnosed Anxiety, Social Anxiety $ Imposter syndrome.
I don’t wanna be depressed also.
What do you guys recommend? I want to go to therapy but I can’t let them help me without them knowing everything (Including me being gay) If I don’t tell them, they wont have all info and will probably be unable to help me….
Could this be a physicsll issue and not something psychological?
@Mesha1230 You said you’re not eating so it could be physical. It may be that you’re feeling general uncertainty about the future. Now that finals are over there may be a void of sorts just because you’re no longer studying. You might want to leave the uneasy feeling alone, not trying to apply a “reason” to it. Allow yourself to feel the physical manifestation of this unease in your body. Let it be just a feeling without a reason. Know that all feelings do come and go, and this one will fade like all others. Your grasping for reasons may just intensify it. Let it be what it is for a day or two and see if it might seem less urgent.
I will book an appointment and will check but what if there’s nothing physically going on? What do I do next?
I am deeply trying to not think of any reasons, but it hurts deeply. It’s like the thoughts are eating me from inside and I have no idea what to do next, no one close to talk to or anything.
I deeply thank you for replying though. I’ve been anxious waiting for anyone to reply, even if it was just a tiny comment.
@Mesha1230 well it’s good that you will see a therapist since this is causing you pain. I understand how it is difficult when you have no one close to talk to right now. Maybe someone here on 7 Cups will give you some useful tips to help till you get to see the therapist.
