My brother noticed I'm not happy
We're both adults and I helped raise him so we're very close. Yesterday he told me he knows I'm not happy and I haven't been happy in a long time. I did not know he knew this, because normally I'm bubbly around others. It felt like a knife in my gut, that he was able to see me like that.
He's right. I'm not happy and I haven't been in a long time. In fact, I'm incredibly depressed and have had intrusive thoughts occasionally. But I didn't share that part with him.
He thinks my job is making me unhappy. It's my relationship with my husband actually. My husband gets angry a lot. I can't talk to my husband, because he gets angry. If I ask him for help, he gets angry. If I am sick, he gets angry. If I want to have a chat, he gets angry. If I ask if we can go do something together, he gets angry. If I ask if he's fed the dog, he gets angry. But I can't tell this to my brother, because my brother thinks I'm still strong and can get myself out of this situation. I'm not strong right now. I'm tired and drained from being on my toes all the time.
I'm constantly in fight or flight mode.
How can I be happy with that?
@brightTree5008
It is a wake up call when someone outside sees through our masks and sees we are unhappy ...
share with your brother if you feel comfortable ...... how many times have you heard someone say if i only knew .... or should hubby anger get out of control having someone know ahead of time is good should something bad happen. There is nothing to be embarrassed about your spouse has a problem.
you can only do what you can do... and sound like your spouse has ISSUES he needs to deal with ... i find living my own life like spouse is a roommate works in these situations
no longer talk except basic if he speaks first... feed the dog anyway do things for yourself sooner or later he will see you do not need to put up with his anger... you are not going to hide from his reluctance to deal with his own problems.
I was raised by a mother who believed women should never share their feelings, otherwise how are they meant to serve others if they're emotional. I know now this is wrong but it takes unlearning. It's not natural to share feelings but I'm trying to learn.
With the dog , I understand your intention although she cannot be fed twice. For her health and safety, I need to keep her regiment normal. When it's irregular, it's my cue to take her to the vet. Apart from that it sounds like your suggestion is to become his roommate. How does this work with your partner? It doesn't sound healthy to be honest. How long have you been doing this?
@brightTree5008
There are many people doing it for various reasons... works fine and mine is now TRAINED to see if i act more distant he needs to shape up and fly right.... the suggestion on dog was in general i know many pets are on a regimen.
i have had him step up to deal with item he was not by just being up front that i will not walk on eggshells and placate his issues ... he no longer does anger or names either. When we enable the behavior it continues ... and i have been with this man for MANY years.
I am so sorry that you are struggling. Tell us a little bit more. Why does your brother have to think everything is great? He can already tell it isn't. Wouldn't he want to support you? You deserve to be with a partner who doesn't make you scared all the time. Your brother sounds like an excellent person to call on to help. @brightTree5008
I guess I'm trying to be strong. Im not used to people worrying about me, and was raised/trained to always make it seem like everything is good even when it isn't. My upbringing was very toxic to say the least ..... Lots of work to do in therapy.
I think some of it is that I feel shame. I'm ashamed for going through this and maybe even scared to face this. It's a lot, it's overwhelming and fills me with despair and hopelessness.
@brightTree5008
It is never to late to change and
opening up about how you feel is a big step in learning to be happy ....
I know that opening up can be really hard, especially if you have grown up in a toxic household. It is a fear of appearing weak or lacking in control.
This is a great place to get out some of that basic anxiety and figure out how to best approach your brother. Why approach him to begin with? You are in pain and deserve not to be. The strongest people are the ones who regain control by showing that their lives have some weaknesses. It will definitely make things feel less desperate.
So what would having a conversation with your brother look like? Is there a place that would be good to meet? Would writing some of it out help a bit? @brightTree5008
@brightTree5008
I am currently going through a really rough patch in my life and can really relate to so much of what you said here, especially about feeling ashamed. I recently reached out to my sister, asking her if I could meet with her to have a heart-to-heart chat. I even mentioned that I have wanted to for a while, but couldn't find the courage to ask her. She has delayed for 3 weeks now and even though it hurts like ***, I also have to take responsibility for the fact that I have literally never expressed any form of emotional vulnerability. So I would not be surprised if she thinks that I'm "ok" in the meantime.
Your brother noticing your unhappiness is indeed a huge wake up call and also a blessing. If you can and if it's safe to do so, lean on him a bit. He is family and cares about your well-being. It's a start. I appreciate that there's a lot of unlearning that needs to happen, but you shouldn't have to suffer on your own.
Sending big hugs :)