Managing relapses
Over a year ago, i shared my depression and anxiety recovery journey in one of my threads… it’s like a breath of fresh air from me - full of hope and gratitude.
It scares me now to be filled with anxiety and intense sadness that might indicate a relapse… I tried bawling my eyes out earlier, and then reminded myself who i am outside of these waves of sadness i fear i let take control of me. I was energetic, happy i got a second chance at life - happy learning, being in new environment (outside of my comfort zone). I’m afraid of losing her. I was appalled this trigger had ripped open old wounds…
im at a loss now, but i know i’ll figure out somehow throughout the day… maybe weeks, maybe months… For now, i let this fear paralysed me
Relapses are hard. But one thing that really helps is remembering that although the pain feels just as much and just as impossible to find your way through that you actually are in a better place than before. You have learned so much about yourself and how to cope. It means that you come out the other side faster.
Here's to hoping that today was better for you. @yellowIdea7518
How have things been going for you? @yellowIdea7518
@bestVase7265 Thank you for checking back in and your reinforcements! Hope you're taking care of yourself especially when you're out here consoling many :) Yes you're right, I've emerged out of my darkest days with unforgettably great support on 7cups 🥹and irl... and today's no exception.
I've since returned to journaling and reading the daily stoic to ground myself and catch myself from spiralling further. I still vacillate between good and stormy days but your words will keep me going.
I'm grateful for you :)
That's great. It is always a battle but I am glad that things are pretty good right now. @yellowIdea7518
Still doing okay? @yellowIdea7518
Hello@bestVase7265, thanks for checking back in with me. How have you been? Have you been taking care of yourself as much as you have for others?
I've been experiencing ups and mostly, downs, especially restarting CBT again - realised I have many core beliefs to reframe and that takes up more cognitive strength than I initially thought which overwhelmed me for days but there are better days.
Meditate just now and I thought about your check-ins-- it's one of the many happenings I'm grateful for.
I can remember those CBT sessions. They were so intense and took so much energy to process. In general though after I few days I felt a bit better. I hope that they do the same for you.
Overall, I am doing okay. Getting ready for a trip that is making me a little anxious, but I am hoping that it will go well. @yellowIdea7518
Sending strength and peace. @yellowIdea7518
Hi dear, hope you are doing well. As someone who is having their first relapse ever since the time I was severely deppressed, I know its scary to think youre again where you left of. If you need anything dm me. <3
@whytfareallthenamestaken Hello, thank you for extending an olive branch even when you're experiencing a relapse yourself. How has it been since? How have you been regaining headspace, and or coping?
I am doing alright, trying to get out of my depressive funk (with a lot of sleep and music) but today's a lot cheery, I just want to remind myself how lively I used to be and can still be today :) Reading about the mental struggles members have on here sort of fuel the rage to eradicate depression all at once ykwim... I wish exercising my might today could collectively reclaim everyone elses' lives from the myriad of debilitating mental illnesses lol but yeah
@yellowIdea7518
It really helps getting to spend some time just for yourself. Try to get out of the house and treating yourself for some cake, or stay inside and rewatch a favourite TV show. Set goals and youll be bavk on your feet in no time. Hope you get better soon!
@yellowIdea7518 Today's sort of a 'come what may' day... depression has took so much away from me and today it shall have 0 grip on me.
I spent the morning upset... but I can still do the things I love despite really not feeling my best (quite overwhelmed by grief, regrets, anger etc).
@yellowIdea7518
Hi..while this thought of relapsing scares me im thinking that maybe we shouldnt fear anxiety bcz then instead of allowing anxiety to pass through and instead of feeling our feelings of fear, uncertainty etc we can start fearing anxiety which can prevent us from working on the difficult feelings..what do you think?
hello @patientWriter703, yup your perspective reminds me of the acceptance and commitment therapy where I learnt to allow myself to experience anxiety/fear fully so I could work through it. And depending on individual needs, I must say I needed my counsellor with me... to process everything safely which is a huge privilege...
It's still daunting to full on face my relapses atm (I sleep through them sometimes), but I'll get there with practice and encouragements.
@yellowIdea7518
I need to talk to a counsellor as well and im thinking we shouldn't feel ashamed to reach out to one again if we relapse bcz we know now that that works for us.
Your post has really helped me think..thanks for sharing
@patientWriter703 your courage is what reignite that fire in me... 🫡 thanks for reminding me that I have it within me to confront, it made my relapse less daunting to face, even without a counsellor now.
And yes, you're right no shame in seeking help. I'm invested in your journey lmk how's it going
and, if finding a counsellor's tricky, you can find me here... at my best and momentarily worse emotional states...
@yellowIdea7518
Im so happy to hear that🌻 We should do everything we can to help ourselves. Personally im still on my journey to recovery. Thank you, you are so kind..🌸
@patientWriter703 you've no idea how much your replies have fuelled me. I thought hard about mustering the courage to face this relapse to the point where I dug up my old CBT notes.
I realised my resolve has never left me - despite for strange reasons I convinced myself it did during depression, my old notes (this was pre medication) was so meticulously and beautifully written while I was majorly depressed. I couldn't believe it. I thought I lost everything to depression but my own resolve has never abandoned me, during my toughest and darkest times.
I may have exhaustingly struggled and continue to struggle with depression, but I actually owned the efforts i put in surviving the agony.
Slept through my episode yesterday lmao... I'll try again today :)
Here's a quote that brings me strength: "...unbruised prosperity is weak and easy to defeat in the ring, but a person who has been at constant feud with misfortunes acquires a skin calloused by suffering."
I'm a soft lover girl lol but sometimes I need strength to push through the big sad
Slept through my episodes again but there's some progress I managed to work out, clean my room, did some chores and reading.
Although stoicism reminds me not to be smug about my progress (I know its ultimate meaning is to remind us to seek consistent progress), I'll take that win today and make the best (whatever it is in my own terms) out of today.
update: I've been numbing and sleeping through the episodes again to the point where ive exhausted the option of sleeping to escape. I've been feeling like *** from all that escape... so I started to address my thought processes.
e.g. I didn't want to start learning new stuff bc 1. I'm behind in life and I shall die on this hill 2. it will be a trial of doom bc I'm always slow at learning (things I was told since young) 3. depression has made me a failure/made me felt like a failure
these thoughts are damning and hard to shake off until I dug out my old CBT notes and realised I worked HARD. which idk why I've been telling myself otherwise.
My layers of shame seem overwhelming to work through but when I think about the girl (me) who has worked so hard recovering, the one Ive dismissed and forgotten, she would definitely like to see me try.
I'll add more context here.
My old CBT notes were done in conjunction with my therapy. I remember vividly how distressed I was at that time. my intrusive thoughts were so rampant, amplified and debilitating, therefore I was shocked at how beautifully written my notes were. it was the effort I put into it that amazed me, and I regret discounting and dismissing it.
I remember dismissing CBT entirely during my psych eval, and said to the psychologist in verbatim - "I tried CBT (on my own) and therapy, and nothing works, my intrusive thoughts are destroying my life and my potential."
While meds have helped me, I regret not giving cbt and therapy the recognition they truly deserved. they were completely drown out by my focus on outcomes over effort.
@yellowIdea7518 more context.
I just discovered a few days ago that why I deemed CBT to be 'unsuccessful' bc I had an overreactive ACC, which in my experience, meant the more I work on my intrusive thoughts the more I aggravate it, and my meds acted like a grease to help my ACC function properly which facilitates behavioural changes - it reduces my thought rumination and I can therefore focus on things outside of my intrusive thoughts.
While meds have their side effects, and I know people who have cycled through different prescriptions and growing despair... it is a sad reality that meds might or might not work (out of our control), so I just want to divert the attention back to my own effort, my therapist's care, expertise and effort and 7cups community's care. for they formed a shield against what depression can claim.
do you have a toolkit of sorts for when this happens? People to call, things to do, doctors #s? In the last that’s helped me a lot
@wearethesamel0ve thanks for recommending establishing a support system. It's frankly one of daunting tasks to open up to people around me about my mental health. my support system used to be my therapist whom I have practiced enough coping strategies with, to tide me through relapse episodes.
How do you begin opening up to the immediate people around you? or just asking for help in general I could use some advice hereee
In my current toolkit are CBT practices, journalling, music, and 7cups... It's admittedly tough doing it alone but with the community, I feel supported to do try my best during some dark times.
@yellowIdea7518
fear and emotions can really take a toll on us. some days i feel the sun is brighter and it's going to be a good day. But most of the time i feel like I am living under cloudy, stormy day because of my problems that ripped my heart apart with so much emotional pain that it's hard to function sometimes. But yes, i just keep telling myself, this is not forever. this will be pass. i had been through far worse storms in m life and I was able to conquer it.
A very poignant and timely message you've written here, @Jewelmoon17. Reading it made me feel stronger, 😭 especially when you mentioned the rough times that you can hardly function, I can relate to that very much and all we could do is have that little faith and support to weather that storm.
With each storm weathered, we'll gain more confidence to ride out tougher ones ahead...
thank you for leaving your reply, I needed to hear this today and will return to reference it in days to come.