Loving Someone with Depression who has shut me out
8 months ago I was fortunate enough to meet and fall in love with an amazing man who happens to suffer from depression. For the last 8 weeks he has been in a severe depressive episode and this is the first time I experienced being in a relationship with someone who suffers from these bouts.
Backstory
In the lead up to this point we had had random discussions about different things and I remember us talking about what would happen if one of us stopped contact or "went dark" I laughed and said it would be an instant block and he reacted so strongly to it at the time I thought it was strange but just sort of laughed it off. It was strange to me at the time because he said you know sometimes people just need to withdraw, they go thru dark periods etc and I responded by saying that was different from just going ghost. We agreed and then the conversation moved on.
My bf lost his partner to the pandemic 3 years ago and understandably was and is devastated by the loss. Unfortunately he never received counseling and has never been diagnosed with depression. I should also add that we are currently long distance and do not live in the same state.
Lead Up
In the lead up to this current depressive episode everything was going great. He told me out of the blue that the next month would be rough for him as it coincided with his partners birthday and death date. I was understandably concerned for him but figured he would be sad and a little depressed but not to the extent that it has been.
In the past 8 weeks it has been a symphony of catastrophic occurrences which seem to have magnified his depression. Everything from a close friend being murdered, loss of a job, family member suffered domestic violence and another friend committing suicide. It seemed like every time the sun was about to come out another thing came crashing down.
Current
Over the past 8 weeks he has basically shut me out, I will be the first to admit I threw a tantrum when I thought that he was just ignoring me but I quickly realized that this was way more serious than that.
I send me messages and he responds sporadically, we have spoken once on the phone very briefly during this time. I could hear in his voice that he wasn't himself in that conversation. Even just before he went dark we had had an argument over something trivial and his behaviour was odd, he kept repeating things which was very unlike him.
Anyway I am not going to give up on this man, I absolutely love the crap out of him but am at a loss as to how to support him in a way that helps him rather than hinders his progress. That's why I am here to get advice from everyone, those who have been depressed and those who's partners may have depressive episodes.
Questions for folks suffering from Depression
My questions are:
As a person who suffers from depression and has withdrawn does someone texting you good morning and messages of "I love you" make you feel better or add pressure to you?
Is it better to just keep messages light and funny like memes or songs etc.
Is daily texting usually too much?
When you have gone in to a depression I understand that you may feel numb when the depression lifts do you regain (this is generic) the love you once had for your partner back or is it just like falling in love again from scratch?
Questions for partners of those suffering from Depression
How you you cope when they have withdrawn?
I feel ok with how I am managing it most days but every no and then insecurity creeps up and I wonder if he still cares and then I usually end up sending a stupid text. How do you manage when you start questioning the relationship?
What do you do if you suggest therapy or to go and see a Dr but it seems to be ignored?
Any help would be amazing and I look forward to hearing personal experiences from both sides.
Thank you everyone for your time.