Lonely n unwell - this world -

Welcome to my lonely world ~

Where isolation is present n your soul is by itself ~

Being this alone n having your family rambling is the worst..

It’s the hardest….

You must conquer negative energy in you n around u just the same.

The thoughts, the perfectionism, the self pity cuz it doesn’t matter how one copes, that comfort n empathy is longtime gone from me. It’s my deepest hurt.

As much as hard it sounds, I feel like we haven’t done a lot cuz the fear always held me back. For the sake of security n privacy, I always keep it to myself. 

Not much to do about it except risk it n stay always aware. Can’t let my guard down. Their behavior won’t change, theyre old, no matter what I do, it’s too late.

I know we’re enough just by being here…but is it rly true? Since were humans n we always wanna do sometjing, to help or achieve by inspiring or empowering others, to be seen n validated just like our work like ourselves. Purely n freely. 

​“In case no one told u today” ofc no one told me today…

“U light somebody else’s world just by being here” excuse me… I don’t feel like it. I feel more invisible now that I stepped outside my head just to know that ur little world of imagination can’t power u trhough life‘à stuff like this forever when u essentially crave more aka social connection.

​I knew I would face this reality but I never knew I would face it with this situation.

But I would rather be n live here in present then to go n jump into ur own world imagining n thinking that’s the way’s life of cope to just escape there forever. Sadly it is not. The reality then hits u n all u do is blocking it again away.. 

it was my only way I knew but as chronic daydreamer before, I came to terms w using it to help me more than to keeping me away no matter how safe it sounds.

in reality, nobody truly cares.

Deepest pain that I’m expressing here stems from the negative expereinces n loss in friendships or ppl I knew I had, weren’t all good ppl. It might be impossible for y to see ppl that are being good not good for u but trust me, sooner u learn it the better.

IVE never had enough guidance in life or care. I always did things for myself to myself n it’s so extremely sad n painful that u know even now I must give myself the same compassion n everything back n live for myself cuz nope, others won’t care much no matter what I do, they only left me n it took me so much to harbor such positivity to manage to practice it every day n for this care n validation, I could never stop giving it away just to help ppl, be there for them when they all told me how they liked me at first, how good they showed n presented in front of me just to later make me feel like I don’t matter for them anymore. As if ur some sort trash that can be easily thrown away once they don’t need y for anything else. 

And I mean positivity n that energy IVE had w me all this time. They slowly drained away….. 

​Had a person that would complain about how less positive they became n lost their spark, tried to help n uplift them n all they got me back when I told my issues were just simple understanding n greet me back when I said I’m gonna sleep or similar. Basically I was trying to help them find their way n point back to positivity but they couldn’t care less about how I was struggling at the same time.

I know u heard this but u can be shocked once I tell u: I was overthinking sometjing about one convo where person asked me about my health condition n I spilled it out so to be surprised they ghosted me… get this now: luckily I found one expert for advice …that was the day thanks to my own curiosity knowing more about the single detail, I wanted to understand the motives behind why ppl do it. 

If I haven’t done it that time I could have fallen much worse prolly to some depression cuz now I’m having such immense self pity n anxiety issues. 

It was spiraling up cuz even after knowing the whole truth, seeing the patterns n reflecting for the first time, when I reached to that advice I wasn’t thinking any of this… I only said to myself that I’m confident in greeting strangers n to have convos w anyone n I was always this friendly wanted the most from ppl. So I always showed it to anyone, being honest n vulnerable, easy to get n spilling it all out. I never wanted to fake anything but I guess I wanted to fit in to finally be seen n understood n most of this: CARED for.

Which I ended up not being any of that:(

Same w person that we agreed on being my cousin-like friend. Like a friend u consider fam. Once they disappeared on me, I was still giving them my texts n trying to wait for them ages… telling myself the only lie I knew was never true: but they are a GOOD person, they will come but. 

But the wise expert said to me: are they here now? When I would need them in this present moment, can they be still here for me? Are THEY here for me??

My answer is: NO. Well they aren’t …

No BUTs!!!!

Ofc not…it’s been one month since they suddenly became busy w work. They told me stuff before like how open book they also are, how I know stuff they never told anybody else n similar which made me feel truly special that only I could help them this much n that they really like me as they were trying to claim. But ofc, u can’t trust ppl like this at all. 

Moral: Never give too much n always BE prepared to be there for yourself.

Wanted to be saved ppl, I always went out there to this day just wanting somebody to save me, to help n support me realizing that it’s only you who can do it n since this nowadays w all the ppl that left n ghosted me is still very fresh, let it hurt n then heal?

I don’t rly believe for 100%. 

The pain is still around n those ppl now couldn’t care less abt what they’ve done to me. They go on like it was nothing, like I was nothing to them….

As someone who wasnt rly cared by ppl before it hurts so much now…. 

You know what I need now?

Only COMFORT n EMPATHY, I realized it’s the only support I’m needing.

What else do u see?