It's my 18th soon, and I just don't care. What do I do?
For some background, about 3 to 4 years ago I had a huge depressive episode. Something just snapped and I couldn't bear life anymore. Once I'd finally told someone in hopes of help I was just passed around and no one really took me seriously. In the end I pushed it all down but on my best face and carried on like it was all okay, but the reality is I've been so tired, I don't have to motivation for anything, and I'm a people pleaser big time so I can't tell people how I feel without feeling guilty.
It's my 18th in a few days, years ago I would have only dreamed of this but over the years each one of my birthdays has just felt more and more exhausting with my 18th being the worst one yet. I've had everyone give me suggestions for it like going clubbing/ a family meal/ a small gathering. But everything just seems so exhausting. And in each one, imagining it, I can just feel the constant lonely tired feeling. I'm afraid to feel it, so I almost want to pretend my birthday isn't going to happen. And yet that itself makes me feel the worst. Knowing that years ago I dreamed of my 18th, being like my big sister and brothers, having an amazing time and yet I'm wasting it because all in all I just can't be bothered. I don't want to feel exhausted. But I'm not sad. I can be happy as ever and even then all I want is to just stop and for everything to disappear, it's become like a game, I'm viewing everything in third person and I'm just waiting for the end while doing what people ask me because at this rate I've done all I want now.
How am I supposed to live like this? Or atleast how do I get myself back even a little?
*sending hugs* 🩷
First of all, wishing you an advanced happy birthday! Here are some balloons for you.🎈🎈💞
It can be really tough to think of a celebration when you're in a survival mode and trying your best to keep up and even harder when you can't talk to anyone about it. But hey hey! We got you! 💛
Your feelings are totally valid and you must be tired of the suggestions because it is harder for you to process it all when all you need it rest. Probably, you have started your birthday week right here! Not through clubbing, family meals and everything but taking care of yourself. See, you just tried to share your emotions and that's a very very brave step! 💛🐱
So, before your birthday probably you can try to take care of yourself through small steps or as other people want to contribute too you can involve them in it. For example, sometimes when I find it hard to do something I like to have an accountability partner!
Like you can involve someone with you in cleaning or decorating your space. You can also make this kind of theme for your birthday if you want! Keeping it simple and focused on self care.
That way you will be involving people and at the same time you don't have to give a detailed explanation. 🌸
You can modify the idea according to what suits you. For example, an art date with people you love! 🩷
But first, take care of yourself. You're important and you matter. I'm proud of you for making it to your 18th! ⭐🎈
And if you want to talk more about it, then you can find listeners over here and also join a member community room. Good luck to you!🌷🌸
Sending positive vibes your way whoosh whoosh! ✨