I'm just so tired

I know I've posted here twice. But I just keep feeling worse and worse.

I genuinely have "bad thoughts" as a sort of resolution at this point for how my life has gone in the direction it has despite my efforts to make it ok. I KEEP trying to do things to make myself feel better. I'm only making myself feel worse through unimportant spending. The bright side is I can possibly go some weeks without spending if I'd just have the discipline I need. I wish to save so much already so I'll set a goal to have $10,000 within some months saved. Although I need more to achieve my big move plan.

I need some sort of motivation to have the confidence to sue my friend for having yet to pay me back and putting me through all of this even worse distress than I'd be in had he not borrowed money based on lying to me.

This past weekend I freaked out at my fiance and my friend who owes me money. I was nearly going to cry at work. Which also co workers keep going into work despite being sick so I've prepped ro have to deal with sickness but so far either thankfully or not I've yet to get sick. I kinda wish to feel a good sickness(without having to miss work or feel like I've wasted time off I know I'm asking for a lot) because to feel horrible would make me value the physical health for a bit after and have sort of a high off life from it.

I just really kinds don't feel much to look forward to. All that I was looking forward to in life was based upon my willingness to put myself through struggle. But after struggling despite trying to accomplish something. I feel like I need a huge break. I realize I deserve what I've put in too. My fiance isn't the only one who deserves someone doing all they can for the relationship ship and takes care of him when in need and tries to talk him into feeling better and making good decisions. I need that sort of support in return. And not just because I do it for him. It's not give and take its give to give and get because of the mutual love an respect. Otherwise it's only me giving and him taking.

Trigger warning I thing for bad thoughts*****

Anyways my main point here was to say. Even despite how I don't consciously choose to have such dark resolutions pop into my mind and even though I super hate gore. I get these horrendous dark thoughts of giving up on everything. I am glad I am weak with things. I would go more into this to try to see if anyone's insight could help but I don't know that it's allowed. I just wish to have a more equal partnership and not have to sue my friend and to have things go continue on. Although at this point do I even strongly wish to move countries for my partner alone? Or is it something I know he doesn't grasp how huge of a thing it is and is devalueing how hugely stressful everything about the whole situation is. Because I've warned him so much of my concerns and don't really get response back that has any real depth.

Thanks for giving me this place to vent. Anyone who responds or reads I hope you're doing alright at least even for a few minutes each day.