I don't want my birthday to come

I don't really care who sees this, I just need to write down something. It feels like I shouldn't even think this way, that it's selfish to have these thoughts or this mindset. I wish I could just logic my way out of it. Maybe it's just the time of night, maybe I'm just tired. Who knows?

It doesn't feel like people really see me. I've told my friends that this past semester was really hard, my hardest actually. I've told them offhandedly that I've been struggling and the responses just seem.. lackluster. I know they're tired too but gosh it can really hurt my feelings sometimes. This isn't really meant to be a rant or a pity party. I just want someone to see me.

I'd like to get a therapist but I'm afraid of costs and I'm afraid of what my family will think. I'm afraid of many things and so very tired. Last semester was so incredibly draining and I don't know if this upcoming semester will be much better.

I'm not in a crisis at the moment but I truly don't want to live until my birthday. The window for that time is slowly shortening. I want to make it to Christmas and make sure everyone gets their gifts. But after that? I don't know. I'll feel like I failed somehow, if I make it to my birthday. I decided over the summer that I didn't want to. I've always struggled with these thoughts but they've only gotten stronger and so much more real. It's like I can feel them at the edge of my mind, waiting to swoop in when things get bad. "This is why you should've *******" like some lame op out excuse. I know it's cheap and selfish but it's still there.

Not sure what I'm looking for in this post. I just want the chance that at least someone hears me, I suppose.