I Hate social media

You are right. Social media is awful.

This is a great place to come for something different.

If you want to start a decent conversation, we can start one right here. Sometimes doing it with someone who will be friendly and supportive online helps make those real life conversations easier.

I know that you don't trust that this is possible, but giving a conversation with me a try won't hurt. You also can't hurt my feelings and I won't ever give up on you.

I am very good and regular in starting chats. If you respond to this thread, I pretty much guarantee a response in 24-48 hours. I have started some chats that have lasted months and even years.

Tell me a little about yourself. @lolcooterbob3402

Right now I'm sweating my butt off. Its 105 today. Hoes your day going?

We are probably at a "feels like" 105 today ourselves. Luckily, the early morning and evening are doable for walking. I know if I don't get outside at all I am miserable. It looks like we might get a bunch of rain next week to cool things down a bit.

What kinds of things do you like to do when it's too warm to get out? @lolcooterbob3402

Well, short version is at first it was voluntary forced solitary in a small house. But now its just a normal day of not leaving a bedroom except to use the bathroom. I say that to say this. I dont do much lol. I read the news. Play with computer programming. Lose my mind a lil each day. You know the norm. Lol.

Weather this year has been crazy huh? I live in California and the wind the last couple years is nuts.

Thanks for shooting the breeze with me. Most people can't simply make small talk. Nobody realizes how to approach people. Especially the professionals. Its an art. You dont mention gasoline to a man on fire. You tell him about your first job as a kid. He gets distracted from his pain. Chemistry develops. Man opens up about his pain. Feel sorry for the spouses. Where's all the foreplay lol

You are right. Small talk is a great way to get to know someone. Social media has very much reduced people's ability to understand how to do it.

It must be tough being in your room so much. But I do understand what anxiety can do as well. Do you ever sit by the window and look outside? Even that will bring you in contact with a little nature like looking at clouds. It does eventually help calm your nerves. But real mini exposure is all that I am talking about.

One thing that also helps me a little is trying to think of something looking back on the day where I was really connected to the world or that felt better than normal. Today for me was reading my summer novel. It is set in Europe during the Renaissance and is about a guy who starts off as a lowly apprentice and works himself up to becoming one of the elite. Today he went to a Carnival celebration where he was suddenly knocked over the head by two guys and shoved into a wine vat that was nearly set on fire. Talk about the dangers of going outside!  So have you read any good books lately?

@lolcooterbob3402

No. I used to be big into books as a kid. Thicker the better. I do research instead now. Still a bunch of reading though. On whatever gets in the way. Never owned a pc before I decided on isolation. Now I write code. Was debating on replacing an AC or getting an evaporative cooler so now I'm literate in thermal dynamics. Not like I'm a braniac. Theres just the internet lol.

To set the table before the meal. What's normal to most is alien to me. Not by choice. Just the way it is. Yearning for outdoors is not me. I was a runaway at 14. I spent enough time outside by necessity to ever miss it. Holiday seasons I feel awkward. Sunday morning breakfast with family I dont understand.

I could make a therapist career. I say this next with no ego, shame, motive or feeling to prove myself. I have walked this world with impunity. Where most would give an arm and a leg to be able to do what I can do I resent it and feel if the world is to scared to punish me ill do it myself. I am venom that poisons on contact. Everything works out great for me. But the wreckage left in my wake I can not abide. And yeah yeah people can say well act better or something. But one does not change what is ones nature.

And I am content being isolated from the world. However. Where the problem comes into play is, that regardless of how string anyones mind is. Social contact is a necessity. Or you start getting a lil, off. Lol.

You regaled me with a story so allow me to return the favor.

I was working a road construction crew over my Mojave a few years back. We were repaveing the shoulders, both ways, 5 miles. I was walking out front, marking 3ft off edge of pavement for the grinder. Call comes out over the radio. "EYES UP WE HAVE IMPACTS" I franticly search the skies. See a parachute like 3 miles east, to the north I see a fuselage smoking and spiraling a quartet mile off the road in the desert. Radio my boss "im next to crash site, looking for survivors" run thru the desert and see a blue pile of steaming crash. Cockpit can't be seen. I radio "it appears to be unmanned" I hear back "pilots chute didn't open, he hit next to pilot truck". 2 min later military humbles rolled up on me asking where I saw the second chute come down.

It ended up being a virgin mobile experimental aircraft that I think was classified. I still have photos of the stenciling from the rocket lol

For better or worse my mind constantly replays and analyzes events of the day when I go to unwind. It is for that reason I realized, I was being rude. I spoke rather then engaged. Granted both can be achieved at the same time, I forgot to keep the conversation going.

Just for perspective on who eachother is speaking with. Im class of 99. You? I felt sorry for the next class. Loved 99. Would have hated being a 00 lol.

So where did you end up on the AC or evaporator cooler issue? That is something I think that we will be debating soon once our AC dies. It is on its last legs we have been told. Hopefully ours will survive the summer. 

Have you ever tried reading e-books from your library? I know that you can do that all online now. It might make things feel less lonely.

I can understand if the outdoors isn't for you. Lots of people can't stand bugs, heat, etc. I do think that looking out a window is a little different because you get a new perspective on things. I wasn't suggesting going outside at all. You aren't ready for that right now and I can respect that. 

I am going to disagree with your assessment of your own nature and being permanently bad or something. But we really aren't at that level of conversation yet. We can get into that later. Let's keep things simple and light right now. Your brain needs to relax a bit from all the tension and rough ideas that you are throwing at yourself. 

What a cool story! That must have been an exciting moment during what had been a mundane day. It has lots of great mystery behind it. 

Your message wasn't rude at all. There is almost nothing that you can throw at me that is going to keep me from writing back. We are all good.

My moment of connection today was a candle. I was lighting it because the room that I was in was pretty smelly. But you know how when you blow a candle out, you get those wisps of smoke that seem to fade into nothingness? They were interesting to watch today. 

As for the AC research. Every option can sway the desicion. Single story? Attic? Bay windows? Humid environment? If you have asthma? The decor of your home because if its a lot of metal, then you add evaporative cooler its gonna rust. Location of evaporative cooler if you go that route because one could assume putting it in a shady spot would bring in cooler air thereby cooling your home more effectively. That is incorrect. Is works more efficiently in direct sun in order for the moisture, air, mix output correct.

A fraction of the crap I researched on it lol. I could actually be helpful and save you a lot of headache if you wanna give me details I can give you a straight AC or NO AC answer.

If I were 20 and building a house I would make it 10ft underground with electric fake windows. Like a constant 73f year round with no heating or ac expense.

Or if you happen to live on some acreage by a hill you can cheat. Simple premise is air inlet up high with ductwork going down to a underground vault and ductwork coming up into house. Then its just the cost of a blower. No heating or cooling. Temp levels out in vault naturally.

Woo hoo. My moment was typing this out lol. Ive got a twisted sense of humor and just cracked myself up. Im all excited I typed when someone could easily just copy paste. Lmfao.

Speaking of cracking myself up. You know why I talk to myself? Cuz im such a good listener. I never interrupt myleft. All the voices are me. Ba da da. Im here all week folks. Try the veil.

Thanks! I will keep that in mind when we end up air conditioner hunting. Definitely lots of humidity here (think easy mold possibility) and building underground isn't possible. We also don't have hills. My son was also talking about a heat pump.

I am glad that it brought you joy to just type out some of what you have learned about air conditioners. It is really nice to share when you know more about something. I find your commentary funny and really enjoyable. You are going to get better at talking to more people on here than just yourself.

My moment for today was butterflies. They managed to wander through my day three times. First I watched an episode of Blown Away on Netflix where one of the glass artists was making a giant butterfly, then I did a butterfly online jigsaw puzzle and saw a few real orange butterflies flitting in the bushes outside the house. They are so delicate. What so many butterflies is supposed to mean, I have no idea, but they made me smile.

What was the most delicate thing that you saw today? 

Not trying to be sarcastic but I dont recall the last time I saw something delicate. Dont get me wrong I appreciate beauty in the world I just haven't be out the shell in a while. I have the ability and if desired or required I have no problem leaving my house. I just choose not to.

As for the ac only other thing I got is if you get a window unit its better to get 2 lil ones then 1 big one. Expensive so good luck.

You do this for work also or just on here? Listen that is.

You aren't being sarcastic at all. Honesty is good. I can imagine that you haven't seen much that is delicate lately. It was just a question to give your brain an opportunity to think differently for a minute. No harm if you can't think of anything.

I am also not going to do some kind of heavy pressing on you to leave the house right now. That's your choice. I just want to help you to find ways to feel a little more sane while you are there. You did say that you felt disconnected and I know that is hard.

No, I don't do this as a job at all. I just come on here each night for a bit and chat with people. When I was at my lowest a few years back, I found that talking to others helped me to keep my own emotions in check. It keeps me humble.

So my good moment for today: my cat. I was feeling really down (depression can still hit for a few minutes whenever it wants) when she came and flipped over clunking her head into the ground. It is a really weird behavior because it looks painful. And it isn't as though she wants petting or anything. She just wants someone to say that she is cute. It makes me smile. She is the weirdest cat. 

Do you have any pets?
@lolcooterbob3402

When you were at your low what led you out?

It took a long while to be honest. But I just kept working at it from as many angles as I could trying to find something that helped.

What ended up helping me the most wasn't really controlling my thoughts. It was focusing on actions that redirected me almost without me realizing it.

First was making sure that I got enough to eat and fluids to drink. My mind would keep telling me that those weren't important, but without energy you have nothing left to fight with.

For me, getting outside was critical. It wasn't seeing people, but seeing water and clouds and nature in general. I still get outside to walk around the pond near my house twice a day every day. It only takes 15 minutes each time, but it is a life changer.

I also kept experimenting with hobbies. Some of them I still do: jigsaw puzzles online, coloring books, cooking. I do them daily. I also like to sing which helps with controlled breathing. But different hobbies work for different people.

What all of this was giving me was 15 minutes of peace here and there. My biggest problem was that I kept saying the 15 minutes wasn't important enough to matter. 15 minutes or 30 minutes of being okay in 24 hours is just crap. But what started happening is that those periods began to get longer as my brain began slowing down.

Part of the reason that I keep asking for what sounds like stupid moments of peace each day is because that is a path out. My moment today was hearing that my sister-in-law who was really helpful to me in getting out of my depression has managed to find a job after looking for a long time.

I also did therapy for many years and took a minimal amount of medication. Mental illness isn't for sissies. I needed help and I took it. The help wasn't always helpful. In fact sometimes it caused me to get worse temporarily, but I just kept sticking it out. I slowly developed a team of people who understood me (after rejecting lots of professionals who didn't help).

Finally, I came on here. As I said last night, writing kind things to encourage other people really helped me. I was saying the things to them that I needed to say to myself.

But all of that being said, this isn't something I ever fully escape. I can always slip out of the saddle and back into the hole. That's what happened yesterday when the clunking cat's head helped bring me around again. It will always be work to stay sane, but I know I have the skills to do it.

I believe that you do too. You just aren't far enough along in the journey to have that kind of confidence yet. But you have lots of people who have been in the hole with you. We know how horrible it is down there and we want to help you out.

@lolcooterbob3402