Here We Are Again…

I’m in another downward spiral. I’m trying to combat it, but it’s hard. It’s dealing with something that happened in my past. This friend & myself have been friends for a long time. We’ve gone through ‘cycles’-she goes through a ‘hard time’, shuts only me out of her life for a couple of weeks, then comes back like nothing ever happened. She swears it’s nothing that I did or anything said or anything with me at all-that it’s all her…BUT it keeps happening, AND it’s ONLY me that she shuts out. We went through a 2 year (give or take) hiatus if you will…granted, she was going through a lot, but I heard this all from other people, as she completely shut me out, wouldn’t talk to me at all…& we worked together. I hadn’t seen her for a few days before so I know it was nothing I said or did, but she just stopped talking to me & acted like I wasn’t there…I was sure I had lost what I considered a best friend, & she acted like she didn’t care, like I meant nothing to her. At one point, right before COVID hit, she had started saying hi to me, which shocked me. At that point, I wasn’t ready or willing to let her back in to my life, so I was very short with her…then COVID hit, & I (eventually) left my job. Back on hiatus…

Long story short, we eventually started talking again, & we had a sit down come to Jesus moment. I was brutally honest with her-bringing up her ‘episodes’ of shutting me out & how it made me feel. Including one, years ago on her birthdays. She wanted to get all 4 of us besties together for dinner for her birthday. On her actual birthday, I asked her when & where we were going…radio silence…the 3 of THEM all went out. The next day, one of them asked what happened with me? I told her that our friend never got back to me so I had no idea when or where we were going…she said her & the other friend missed me being there, but that the birthday girl didn’t care that I wasn’t there-going so far to roll her eyes & saying something about me always bothering her & how annoying I was..she claims to not remember that, but saying it must have happened if I’ve kept it quiet all these years & being so hurt by it…

Well, today is her actual birthday. My boyfriend, who’s good friends with her, asked me, last night, if I would go to her or they dinner tonight…which brought up lots of feelings this time. I don’t know why. 1-why couldn’t/didn’t SHE ask me? 2–am I REALLY invited? I said I had plans tonight already, which wasn’t a lie. In talking with her today. I mentioned the dinner, saying no one said anything until last night. She then said that if I was around this weekend, her & her boyfriend, & my boyfriend & I could all go out to dinner…I’m trying so hard to 1-NOT go there, not bring up the past, & 2-not go down that hole again, that we worked it out. But I can’t seem to stop myself! I feel like a train going off the rails-it’s already begun! Why should I say yes? She’s only going to ghost me again, & who knows for long this time? We’re fully grown adults, not teenagers in high school anymore! I don’t need or want any of this drama! I just keep thinking it’s going to happen again…or that her & my boyfriend are going out alone to dinner tonight…& there’s a whole other rabbit hole for that! I hate having depression & anxiety. I know my thoughts are sometimes irrational-& they’re repeating themselves sometimes. I hate bothering anyone else with them because I’ve already talked about them more then once. I know my boyfriend thinks I’m a

little cuckoo because it’s in the past, we’ve worked it out, so it should be left there & never talked about again…but that’s the thing with this friend…it was a cycle for her…over & over again…done TO me, over & over again..I keep waiting for the other foot to fall…that he will suddenly realizes he loves her more & she loves him & I end up alone again…& I keep getting ignored over & over again…

Anyway…if you’re still here, & made it this far, thanks for reading…