DarkFairy0316 Member Profile

Here We Are Again…

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

April 3rd

...See more I’m in another downward spiral. I’m trying to combat it, but it’s hard. It’s dealing with something that happened in my past. This friend & myself have been friends for a long time. We’ve gone through ‘cycles’-she goes through a ‘hard time’, shuts only me out of her life for a couple of weeks, then comes back like nothing ever happened. She swears it’s nothing that I did or anything said or anything with me at all-that it’s all her…BUT it keeps happening, AND it’s ONLY me that she shuts out. We went through a 2 year (give or take) hiatus if you will…granted, she was going through a lot, but I heard this all from other people, as she completely shut me out, wouldn’t talk to me at all…& we worked together. I hadn’t seen her for a few days before so I know it was nothing I said or did, but she just stopped talking to me & acted like I wasn’t there…I was sure I had lost what I considered a best friend, & she acted like she didn’t care, like I meant nothing to her. At one point, right before COVID hit, she had started saying hi to me, which shocked me. At that point, I wasn’t ready or willing to let her back in to my life, so I was very short with her…then COVID hit, & I (eventually) left my job. Back on hiatus… Long story short, we eventually started talking again, & we had a sit down come to Jesus moment. I was brutally honest with her-bringing up her ‘episodes’ of shutting me out & how it made me feel. Including one, years ago on her birthdays. She wanted to get all 4 of us besties together for dinner for her birthday. On her actual birthday, I asked her when & where we were going…radio silence…the 3 of THEM all went out. The next day, one of them asked what happened with me? I told her that our friend never got back to me so I had no idea when or where we were going…she said her & the other friend missed me being there, but that the birthday girl didn’t care that I wasn’t there-going so far to roll her eyes & saying something about me always bothering her & how annoying I was..she claims to not remember that, but saying it must have happened if I’ve kept it quiet all these years & being so hurt by it… Well, today is her actual birthday. My boyfriend, who’s good friends with her, asked me, last night, if I would go to her or they dinner tonight…which brought up lots of feelings this time. I don’t know why. 1-why couldn’t/didn’t SHE ask me? 2–am I REALLY invited? I said I had plans tonight already, which wasn’t a lie. In talking with her today. I mentioned the dinner, saying no one said anything until last night. She then said that if I was around this weekend, her & her boyfriend, & my boyfriend & I could all go out to dinner…I’m trying so hard to 1-NOT go there, not bring up the past, & 2-not go down that hole again, that we worked it out. But I can’t seem to stop myself! I feel like a train going off the rails-it’s already begun! Why should I say yes? She’s only going to ghost me again, & who knows for long this time? We’re fully grown adults, not teenagers in high school anymore! I don’t need or want any of this drama! I just keep thinking it’s going to happen again…or that her & my boyfriend are going out alone to dinner tonight…& there’s a whole other rabbit hole for that! I hate having depression & anxiety. I know my thoughts are sometimes irrational-& they’re repeating themselves sometimes. I hate bothering anyone else with them because I’ve already talked about them more then once. I know my boyfriend thinks I’m a little cuckoo because it’s in the past, we’ve worked it out, so it should be left there & never talked about again…but that’s the thing with this friend…it was a cycle for her…over & over again…done TO me, over & over again..I keep waiting for the other foot to fall…that he will suddenly realizes he loves her more & she loves him & I end up alone again…& I keep getting ignored over & over again… Anyway…if you’re still here, & made it this far, thanks for reading…

Deja Vu?

General Support / by DarkFairy0316

July 18th, 2023

Just trying to let this go…

General Support / by DarkFairy0316

July 3rd, 2023

...See more I seem to have the uncanny knack to say & do things the wrong way…the things you shouldn’t say/do, I do. I’m tired of it but I can’t seem to stop myself, or I realize what I’ve done after the fact. Recently, I invited my boyfriend over for a family dinner, & he doesn’t like the type of meat we’re having, so I offered to make a different thing for him specifically, & my dad got mad about it. It didn’t help that he had a few drinks. Long story short, my boyfriend & I made other plans. Now my dad, in a different mood, is asking how he wanted to do the chicken, & I told him that we made other plans because he had gotten upset about it. Now he’s upset again because we made other plans…& now I feel like I can’t win either way, because he got mad on both ends of this, &I feel like I hurt my boyfriend because I was honest with him about it (which he knows some stuff about my dad already), & I feel like I can’t ever have my boyfriend over again because of this. I actually have a good guy, & I’ve managed to *** it up on all fronts. Now, I’m down in the dumps, feeling hopeless, depressed, stressed, & all this bad feelings because this happened…one misstep has me completely jumping down the rabbit hole & going down that road. Today is my nephews birthday, we’re having dinner at my sisters house, & now, I’m scared to go! My nephews are my world. I don’t want to go because I’m scared…I’m scared my dad will say something, or will tell everyone else & say that I’m nothing but a ***-up & everyone will look at me differently, & make fun of me…so why go? Why put myself through this? What they say & do is nowhere near what is going on in my mind…I know I’m still here for a certain few people, but it’s at times like this, I feel like they all would be better off without me…

Stuck between a rock & a hard spot…

General Support / by DarkFairy0316

April 23rd, 2023

...See more Life is sometimes easy…other times, not so much…I’m feeling like I’m being taken under right now, & I’m trying so hard to fight it, but I feel like ‘it’ is stronger then me right now. I have to work to make money, I really like my job, & while I know what to do, o feel like I am constantly learning as well & I am ok with that & love that about my job. It does have its issues…I just had someone who wanted to speak with a manager, refused to leave a message, was adamant to speak with one right now…so I got a manager, & my manager, while not yelling at me per say, told me that I couldn’t be bothering him while he was busy…I’ve been at this job 2 years & 1 day…with this same manager-he interviewed me, hired me…he knows me enough to know that if I’m ‘bothering’ him, it’s because there is a irate, rude, pushy customer on the other end, who won’t take no for an answer…which was the case…so I asked him if he still wanted me to take a message for this person who didn’t want to leave one…I am at a loss here, on the verge of crying. I KNOW he’s busy, it’s a busy day, under ANY other circumstances, I’d be taking messages, BUT this person was insistent! So I was basically getting it from the customer, AND getting it from my boss…what am i supposed to do? I’m at a loss…I know my job, he knows I know my job, that I’m competant…& should know that if I’m ‘bothering’ him, it’s because I’ve got either an emergency, or someone who’s being pushy. And this was after he changed a co-worker & my schedules, & didn’t tell me about it…so no one was there first thing, & the other manager didn’t know either…she called him then called me to ask if I could come in early, which I did, in a panic because I hate being late. Now, I’m wondering if they’re gunning to fire me…this is reminiscent of an old job…it’s worrying me…I know that no job is perfect, but when co-workers start messing with another co-worker, that isn’t cool…I don’t need any help in feeling alienated, made fun of…my mind does that pretty damn well on its own with any outside help…

Feeling Like a Burde n...

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

May 4th, 2021

...See more I don't know where to start. I got my first vaccine shot almost a week ago, & so I started looking for a job, knowing I'd need to eventually. I applied at a place a close relative used to work at & had issues with. I wasn't expecting anything from it, nor was I in a hurry because I get my 2nd shot at the end of the month, & figured I'd be available about 2 weeks after that, so I wasn't in a rush. But, they were super excited & seem ready to hire me almost right on the spot. I didn't mention anything to this family member until today-which is when I had an interview. And this person, while not yelling at me or anything like that, made it known that they didn't like it there & were somewhat mistreated. I know they are watching out for me, & only want whats in my best interests at heart, I felt like they were upset with me, & like I let them down, & they were disappointed in me. I feel like I am making more troubles for this person, more work for this person by doing this, & I'm not trying to do any of that. I know this person isn't feeling like I'm betraying them, or anything like that, it's more along the lines of they truly care for me, & are worried that the people at this job will take advantage of & mistreat me like they did to this person, & they don't want that to happen to me. I know this, yet I still feel like I am causing more drama for this person, & piling more things onto this person's already full plate...& that is making me feel worse & more depressed, & wondering why anyone cares about me, because all I seem to do is cause more trouble & drama around me...I just had to vent, & I don't feel like I can to anyone, as I feel like I'm a burden pretty much all of the time & to everyone I know...I feel like I am a bother to everyone, all of the time, so if feels good to just vent here, even though I don't expect an answer, or anything else, it just feels good to get it off my chest.

Unsure What To Do...

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

January 30th, 2021

...See more This is going to be somewhat long & I apologize. About a year ago, 2 bad things happened at the same time. They weren't related to each other, other then them being friend of each other & friends with me. My boyfriend broke up with me twice in a 2 week period because he was going through a lot at the time. And, one of my best friends stopped talking to me because she was going through some tough things at the time. We all worked together, & we were all friends, which made things hard, because she wasn't talking to me at all (which made the work environment very hard), & he was flip flopping on me. He would completely ignore me at breaks & lunches, but was obvious chumy with her & their other work friends, then out of the blue, would talk to me & act like nothing had happened or nothing was wrong. Then, go back to ignoring me again...I had talked to him outside of work, & laid out how I was feeling, & I THOUGHT we worked things out, but I guess not because he's not talking to me now. Then, my friend & I had talked, & she said she needed space, & long story short, I have given her her space. BUT, my other 2 best friends have mentioned that they have both started talking to her again. One of them was REAL good friends with her, & me & my other friend always felt like the 2 of them were real close to each other & always tried to rub our faces in it at every turn. As petty as this sounds, they said they were both on my side, & didn't know what her problem was, & they had my back, & wouldn't talk to her after everything she did (including bad talking me behind my back, which she did with everyone) And, now they're talking to her again...I tried not to feel betrayed, & hurt, but I do. And, both of them have said that I should try to text her, try to make up with her of sorts. I was against it because I told that person that I'd leave her alone & for her to text me or call me when she felt ready to talk to me again, & she hasn't. I went against that a couple times, once for her birthday, & twice again-once when her father got sick, & again when he passed away-all times I thought appropriate to do so. I never received a text back from her, & I'm said to say, I went into a social media & messaged her from there, & received replies almost right away from her, but not directly from her phone. Yesterday, I broke down & I texted her again, & said i knew it'd been a while, but that I was thinking of her, & that I wanted to check in, & asked how she was...again, at the urging of both my friends, even though I've stated that I was going to wait for her. But, with all the time that has gone by, it still is weighing on me that she hasn't reached out to me at all, AND is now talking to the both of them. I texted her about 4 last night, & haven't heard a word back. I've got a lot of things running through my head right now-maybe she's busy, maybe she doesn't want to be friends anymore,which is why she hasn't re-connected with me, maybe she blocked my number so she didn't have to see any of my texts, which is why she never texted me, but answered me on social media...BUT, both of my friends said she's asked about me, about how I was doing...1 of them even saying to tell me hi from her...so WHY would she not text me herself? And, I did text her yesterday, so why hasn't she texted me or called me back? If she's asking after me, even told 1 of our friends to say hi to me, why is she not talking to me? I thought I was over all of this shit, I felt like it was a 'dead horse' if you will, not necessarily closed, but just done, I thought it couldn't affect me anymore, but here I am, worrying over it that I'm making myself almost sick again, I'm in a deep dark depression again over it, & I feel like my 'friends' don't have my back, & I can't talk to them about it, because I've exhausted them with it, but I want to talk about it to someone...I'm trying to be the bigger person here, so why do I feel like I'm all alone? Why do I feel like it's happening all over again, & like somehow it's all my fault, & like I'm being punished by all of them now? If you've made it this far, thank you for reading, any thoughts, words of wisdom & help will be much appreciated.

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