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Happy?

JollyRacher June 20th

TW - self-harm tool, crisis

I had a pretty bad breakdown a couple days ago, one of the worst I've had in a while. It was like my brain shut down all of my thoughts and all I could do was feel things. Intense anger, sadness, pain, it was so overwhelming. I couldn't even stand up, I had to just lay on the floor. I was crying and I couldn't stop. Like my body was out of my control. I couldn't bear it. Before, I used to keep a knife in my room because it made me feel like I had a way out when things got too bad in my house.

However, I decided it wasn't my best idea and took it out. When I had this breakdown, I desperately reached for where my knife would've been and with no thoughts in my mind who knows if I would've actually used it. In that moment, I feel like I would have genuinely done something to stop the pain I was feeling. Which is scary to think about now that my head's in a better place. 

So, I'm happy I didn't use it but as the days go on and my environment seemingly getting worse I don't know. On one hand, I don't really want to do it but I just don't feel like there's anything else I can do. The pain grows more and more each day and I keep questioning which pain is worse?   

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ASilentObserver June 24th

@JollyRacher I am sorry to hear that Jolly. I can understand you were experiencing intense emotions during your breakdown and felt overwhelmed by them. That is difficult to go through alone. What thoughts came up for you during that time? Please know you have all of us here with you to listen to and support you. 


1 reply
JollyRacher OP June 25th

@ASilentObserver

That's kind of the thing that scared me the most, I had no thoughts. My mind was just empty and all I felt was this weird disorienting pain. My body was constricting and everything was too much. The lights were too bright, the floor was too cold, it was so overwhelmingly overstimulating. I couldn't think, my body just moved on its own trying to make everything stop. 

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akunknown June 25th

@JollyRacher

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but if you don’t mind me asking

What is giving you these intense feelings and emotions and breakdowns?  You mentioned things getting bad in the house. Can you specify what those things are? 

I’m asking because I want to help and might be able to if I knew more about your situation which I am very sorry you’re living with. 

3 replies
JollyRacher OP June 26th

@akunknown

I guess the intensity came mostly from the realization that while my parents in their weird way do love me, it will never be more than they love themselves and their goals. My mom isn't very responsible. She leaves everything to the last minute and yells at me to help her. And pretty much only me. Which I didn't mind but it became a daily thing and slowly started piling up and stressing me out. So, I told her this and she apologized and said the work would be distributed amongst the family. However, no one else really cleans, cooks, or helps around the house but me so my area would be clean but the rest would be dirty. Then, she'd get upset and I'll say I did my part. She'll start yelling about how we all have to help each other out sometimes. That we're a team. In the end,  I clean everything, cook dinner, and watch my sister. Then, I get stressed out because I feel like if I don't do it my sister won't eat, the house will stay dirty, and the whole thing falls apart. And the cycle continues. From a young age I felt responsible for the well-being of those around me. 

With my dad, it's different. He isn't really around much and doesn't really care as long as you stay on the path he made for you. Stray an inch off and it becomes his mission to put you back. His insistence on following his path can get scary, because it's not obvious. It's confusing and mixed with sweet words and promises he never follows through with. My mother wants me to be her parent as well as a parent to my siblings. And my dad wants me to go down this path I'm not too fond of. That combined created this weird relationship I had with them. I still loved them, because they are my parents and I thought if it ever really came down to it, my suffering and my sanity would override whatever weird dynamic we had. The more time passed the more I realized I was wrong. 

Over the years I have had so many breakdowns, panic attacks, and conversations with them about the stress I've been under and how I just wanted a break and every time it was the same thing. They agree with me, tell me it's not my job and for a week things look good. Then, everything goes back to normal and it keeps happening. I thought surely if they knew about my anxiety and depression they would change. They brushed it off. I thought it was because it was my mental health and mental issues were seen as excuses. Surely if something physical were to happen they wouldn't push me this hard and see I need help. Nope, they told me to keep pushing. That life is about pain and you need to learn to live with it. 

The day I had the breakdown one of my sisters recently had surgery and the doctor told her not to move around a lot for a while. So, my sister was bed ridden withering in pain. That day my dad told us to go to this person's house for lunch. In my mind, I was like obviously my sister's not going but he said she was. I told him that the doctor said she needs to rest and it didn't matter if she stayed home. He insisted she could sit down and rest at their house. I continued to tell him that was a bad idea and he didn't listen. My sister just accepted it, took a pain pill and went to the house. She was in pain and uncomfortable for the five hours we spent at that house. The whole time my dad was rubbing her back and telling her it was okay. Which made no sense to me, because he put her in that situation. That day it dawned on me that it didn't matter. It didn't matter when I was throwing up sick on the floor crying, what my mom wanted came first. Or when I was spasming in the car, struggling to breathe, what my dad wanted came first. 

No matter what they did to me, I always thought if I suffered enough they would stop. That they would change and be the parents I hoped they would be. That they'd be responsible and take the heavy weight they threw on my shoulder, but they are not going to. At least, not any time soon. And that hit me, hard. It was a very painful realization, but probably a necessary one.  

3 replies
sparrow76 June 26th

@JollyRacher  It sounds like you are in a really difficult place right now and unfortunately, you're right - we can't change other people no matter how much we want to or how much they are in the wrong.  And sometimes we can't control our environment, the only thing we have control over is ourselves.  It's important to find ways to cope during this time that won't cause you harm (though I completely understand the urge there).  What are some things you can do to help calm your emotions when they start to take over?  Are you familiar with grounding techniques?  Maybe some deep breathing, or focusing on 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste?  Maybe holding some ice in your hand or splashing cold water on your face?  I've even used a blunt instrument to pretend cut.  It causes a sensation of pressure, but doesn't cause damage.  You are brave and strong to exist in your environment and help take care of your siblings.  Keep in mind that this time won't last forever, though it may feel that way.  

1 reply
JollyRacher OP June 28th

@sparrow76

Cooking and baking are nice. Been trying out a lot of different recipes, and my siblings really enjoy eating it up. I recently got into calisthenics. Also very enjoyable. 

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akunknown June 26th

@JollyRacher

If you’re old enough to, can you find your own place to move to and take your siblings with you if you can afford to take care of all of them and yourself?

If not, can you at least move to another part of the place you’re living in now like the opposite side of where your parents live or another floor or the basement if you don’t mind living there? 

Just any way to put as much distance between you and your parents. 

2 replies
JollyRacher OP June 28th

@akunknown

I would love to be able to move and get my siblings and I our own place. I try to get them out the house for like outings and walks a lot more. Get some fresh air every now and then. It helps. 

1 reply
akunknown June 28th

@JollyRacher

That’s a great benefit for your siblings and yourself. Great job! Keep it up! 

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Tinywhisper11 June 30th

@JollyRacher that's heartbreaking to read😥 sometimes it seems like giving up is the only option, the best option.But then the storm passes and your smile comes back, and then your thankful you didn't take that option. Your my special friend, please never give up ❤ I love you ❤