A Different Birthday

So, I thought this year, my birthday would be a bit different.. Having met a new group of people when I joined a Grief Group Support last September.. I wanted to invite them to join me for a birthday dinner.. Long story short, it looks like I'll have to cancel it.. Got in trouble from the hosts saying that I have no right contacting the group on a personal level (the hosts have sent the group emails of reminders when we had no sessions, so, I got the email list there).. That because I sent out the emails without the member's permission, I've crossed the confidentiality boundaries.. they are now saying, even they can't use the email as a source to contact the members either.. Although the host says that I didn't do anything wrong, that I wouldn't have known that I wasn't allowed to do that.. But, the plan on inviting them, is now up in flames..

For once, I thought I could celebrate my birthday with people other than my own family.. (brother and parents).. The Grief Sessions itself has ended in mid-December, so the hosts have organized different gatherings for January - March, as the next session will start in April. There's an upcoming Karaoke night at one of the couple's homes.. then, the hosts rented the room (the same one in the church where we had the sessions) for a movie night.. Now, it looks like I won't be going to either.. The incident has made me feel like I broke the rules.. I was looking forward to attending the sessions again, when it starts in April.. Now, I'm not too sure anymore..

I started the sessions last September, as it was recommended from a close colleague, although she ended up not making it.. I went instead.. With the above incident though, I'm having second thoughts.. I talked to that colleague, asked if she'd be able to go.. I'm thinking now, I'll sign up for it, only if she can go as well.. Otherwise, it looks like I'm going to cut myself out.. The host did say that she hopes I don't feel bad for what I did, and that I could still join them in on those activities.. But really, my excitement of being able to celebrate my birthday with the group has been erased.. and I'm feeling depressed and saddened about it.. The movie night, is a couple of days before my birthday.. and since I already told my mum about it.. Now that I'm not going, I'll still need to leave the house (as I don't want to explain to them what had happened and why I changed my mind to not go anymore).. I'll just go and eat at my favourite restaurant.. the only thing is, I won't be able to eat for 2 hours.. So, I'll probably just end up going to walk around in a supermarket nearby, then, start to head home at 9pm.

There was this one lady in the group, where she once told me that she'd like to go out for coffee with me one day.. I was also looking forward to that as well.. But, it seems, we aren't allowed to see each other outside of the group activities.. so long for that idea..

So now, with my birthday (in about 20 days), at the beginning of my birthday week.. I'm going to ask that close colleague, if she and her family could join me for dinner one night.. Both her and her husband were so supportive to me last July, when my Grandma passed.. They offered their home to me, letting me hang out with their puppy during the day, once a week.. There were times where I stayed all day.. Colleague worked at home, so there are times, when her son had summer activities, it'll just be the two of us and her puppy. I'd look after her puppy as she worked.. Then, when her husband gets off work, he usually comes home around 2pm, with lunch for us. The only thing is, I'm not sure if they'd be able to eat out on a weekday, when her son has school, and they both need to work.. From what they've told me in the past, during dinner.. especially during the weekdays, all three of them eat at different times.. It's only on the weekends, where they are able to sit down for dinner together. So, I'll just be trying my luck.. This colleague also asked me to help buy some some snacks from Japan (as my family and I went for vacation there the past December for 3 weeks).. So, I still have the box in the Duty-Free bag that I still need to give her.. I tried to drop it off at her place the beginning of this week, but she was too busy to retrieve it.. So, chances that she could celebrate with me is low.. But, I'll ask her anyways.. Otherwise, it'll just be with my family again..

I was so hyped for the possibility of spending my birthday with a new group of friends.. Now, it just makes me feel depressed and sad for how things turned out.. (We have a group chat, I've muted the notifications for a week).

You know, I was feeling okay with my birthday before.. Having gone on vacation, able to drop by Hong Kong to visit my Grandma at her grave.. and attend my Uncle's funeral.. I felt so much better in the grieving journey, that I felt I'm finally moving forward.. But this incident, it has triggered my old thoughts that lingered and is attached to my birthday in the past years.. Now, things look even more gloomy than it was, with the incident and the group invitation in flames.. I was looking forward to seeing the group, telling them about my trip (vacation and the grave and the funeral).. but now.. it feels like I did something that put our trust at stake.. So, I don't know if I'll be able to face the group in the near future anymore..

But you know, to me.. it doesn't seem like I broke any rules.. Sending out invitations.. everyone in the group is able to see the email list.. We all have access to see those emails.. and could easily use it to send out emails to each other.. I just wanted to invite the group to my birthday dinner, and the best way to ask.. was through email because not all members are in the Group Chat.. So, although I mentioned in the Group Chat first, I thought sending an email out will help cover those who are not in the Chat too.. But apparently, I don't have a right to do that.. That it has to be approved by the hosts first.. and that activities need to be group-related.. not something personal, like Birthday celebrations.. Here, I thought I met a nice group of people, people who understood me (during the grief sessions).. and I could make new friends and keep in contact with them outside of group.. Now, it seems like it was all a dream.. I didn't make any new friends, at least none that I could keep even if I wanted to.. 

I'm all alone again.