Returning to Work after Grieving

It was a Tuesday, during my shift when I received a message from my mum that Grandma had passed. (Full post in Grief & Loss). I immediately told my Manager I'll be taking the rest of the week off, and possibly the following week too. This was end of July, so, basically, I was off grieving for the first two weeks of August.

I've finally decided to return to work tomorrow. I think I'm more afraid of explaining to colleagues the reason I was off the past 1.5 weeks, than working itself. Someone on my team messaged me last Thursday, asking if I was returning to work next week. I answered, first acknowledging that it must've been difficult for them during my absence, because there are others on vacation. Then, I explained I had been off grieving for the passing of my Grandma. I said I'll return Monday and see how it goes, if I cannot control my emotions at work, it probably means I need more time off.

Their reply was, "rest up and see you next week".. I know I might be overthinking it, but for some reason, her response made me angry. To be grieving the time I had been off, and finally decided to try returning to work, telling me to rest up, that sounds like a very inconsiderate response. Resting up and going to work won't help with the grief and the stress I feel, returning to work. She even had a thumbs up emoticon in front. Even if she just replied with an okay, I would've felt neutral about it. Maybe I'm just being sensitive during this time. 

Colleagues only seem to care whether or not I can return to work, rather than showing compassion and empathy by asking why I had been off. I just didn't expect that kind of response after saying I lost my Grandma. People are just selfish beings. There I was trying to be apologetic for my absence (because I know that 2 others on my team are on vacation, which means the remaining 2 of 3 staff will need to work overtime. Which I know will be okay, because when I was off sick the beginning of this year, the nurses helped out when possible too).

But I feel that I'm not ready to interact with colleagues yet.. I'll take it one day at time.. See how things go tomorrow, and if I'm still overwhelmed with emotions, then, it probably means I'm not ready to return to work yet.. Grandma's funeral/memorial isn't until next weekend.. So, I think until then, my mood will continue to fluctuate. So, I'm not sure if I'm in a stable enough state to be working.. because once I return to work, everyone will expect me to work productively and efficiently and get everything done, leaving no unfinished work for the morning staff. 

Hopefully colleagues will be more understanding that I was off grieving and if I need more time off to grieve that they won't make it sound like they're blaming me for their overtime work needs. I think my own mental health is more important than having me worrying if they're needing to work overtime in order to cover my my absence. 

To me, it'll be better if I can work normally than having my mind full of grief, which will cause a delay in my productivity and efficiency.. which may lead to complaints from colleagues that I'm lacking communication and productivity in my work.. (happened before, when I worked the week after learning my Grandma had a heart attack). After that week, that was when I colleague complained to me directly, and others must've said something too, because my Supervisor also came to me about not doing some tasks. That week I worked after Grandma's heart attack, I should've taken the week off. But, decided to bulldoze through, knowing that there was someone on vacation, but the whole week, I was on the verge of a breakdown everyday. I didn't speak with anybody, was very sleep deprived, and my mind often zoned-out. Back then, I only told my colleagues that someone back home is very ill, and it has gotten me very worried. Then, the colleague that complained directly to me said, "Everyone has sh*t going on at home, and they still come to work and interact with each other." I was so angry. Thanks for being considerate (sarcasm) of my feelings, after saying that there was someone very ill back home. Then, she goes on and does a personal attack on my work productivity. Saying that I'm lacking in productivity and efficiency because I'm not a permanent staff, unlike the rest of the staff on our team. Mind you, although I'm not a permanent staff (only working as a vacation relief), I've been working in this position 4 years longer than her, while she only started this year. How dare she speak to me like that? I think this type of personal attack is disrespectful and a little discriminating, when comparing me to a regular full-time staff.

I planned to give her another chance before reporting her. If she says the same thing a second time, I'll report her. Because I was hurt by her words and it made me angry.