My Story I Guess
I've been through countless trauma, and was diagnosed with PTSD as a child, then when I was inpatient I was diagnosed with Anxiety (General and Social), OCD, and Insomnia. As an adult, ADHD and Mixed Bipolar were added. Unfortunately some of these are wrong. They don't really talk about it much but inpatient places don't spend enough time with you to diagnose you. If they had spent more time, then maybe they would have caught the Agoraphobia. Then the Mixed Bipolar diagnosis was done by a doctor who listed to my mother over me, and who didn't look at my records.
During high school, I changed to a self paced school and spent maybe one day a week there, before having a breakdown and going home. I still didn't realize it was agoraphobia. I did my junior and senior year in less than two months.
I mention that because it is important. I was an art major in college, then a psych major working on a bachelors and now I'm doing creative writing. I've talked with others who feel the same way as I do, and who helped me find out what is actually going on in my brain. I'm not diagnosed properly and it is a struggle trying to get in and correct it.
I have delusions, and they can get bad. I had a period of time where for 8 months, I had 3 dreams every night that ranged from nightmares to night terrors. Some felt like they lasted for hours, others felt like they lasted lifetimes. I rarely dream as myself, but there were a few times that I did. It bled into the world around me. It made me feel like nothing is real. I still get dreams like that today, but only a few times a week.
I often find myself going somewhere, and looking at the scenery and freaking out because something that I swore was there, wasn't (it was only in the dream). I feel like the butterfly dream. Where Chuang Tzu dreamed he was a butterfly but it was so intense that he didn't know if he was Chuang Tzu dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Chuang Tzu.
I feel like my delusions and paranoia are getting worse. I recently have found myself worried about cameras that aren't there. Not any government watching but the people I live with. I have a poor grip on reality itself and even though I have my partner with me, and we are engaged and I'm here right now, it feels like I'm just in another dream. Another nightmare.
I don't know what I have, but I have theories. It probably doesn't help that I have DID and black out, but I'm not diagnosed with it yet, but others with it have watched me black out and have told me that's what happened. Those are the emotions and voices I sometimes feel in my head. I'm trying to get my diagnosis soon, but they want to redo all my other ones first. I'm also scared that I'm just making it all up, that nothing is wrong, despite people in my life telling me time and time again that it does happen.
I don't know, everything feels like a dream and I don't know if I'm awake or I'm asleep. The fact that I can read and type doesn't help, because I can do that in my dreams. I even sometimes feel the pain from my dreams in my body now.
Bleh, that's my story I guess. I'm not sure if this is how we are supposed to share it. I don't know. I hope I didn't do it wrong. I don't really know what kind of support I need but anything would probably be helpful.
Hi there.. I have huge empathy for you.. From a long time (since feb 12 '21) I am having dreams i can't explain even.. It's like another world different geography different cultures the only common person is me and my crush.. Idk why when all this started i was not so much in love wid her as i am now.. but yes it was this way.. My dreams ranged from living in Another world (if you have watched avatar movie probably you'll get it), normal life situations involving different people, and one really strange light that would blind me but i can sense its colour and listen a real hard voice that voice would direct me upon my confusions and guide me through situations.. the light started it from feb '21 itself.. it was least common while the dreams of the other world are the most.. I too earlier hardly had dreams but nothing was same since that fateful night.. even till today i often have such dreams.. which guide me through..
I began to and i still question the very existence of life based on my dreams but only after acknowledging that i am living at all times no matter which world it is and what time it is.. so my this life is not affected much rather it has gotten better (at least at personal lvl) so i hope u understand whether or not a nightmare give live your best shot.. coz YOLO!
and coming to the thing that you are questioning it all.. that's the side effects of such dreams.. not that i don't question things but i question what happens (or is shown to me to have happened) in this very moment.. i don't mix em both up..
Moreover as you mentioned you have DID your frnds and family told you this.. probably you could have it but if you are not being you you must see a mental health expert who might help.. Coz i have it too but its a DIP for me not DID i.e. Dissociative Identity power. Coz never have i ever felt any of my extreme personalities (3) tried to de throne the Mixture personality that i put in front of the world.. not until this day.. probably i am lucky to be blessed with such friends within my mind..
You said you are a creative writer.. probably that's one of the reasons of you being able to sense all this stuff more than anyone else... coz that's what writers seek? mystery,adventure,etc.
But i m said to hear that you are stressed due to it and are not in control.. so maybe you should take a proper counseling from a renowned health expert.
All the best. i hope you heal soon.
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@oneamongstyou285
Thank you for the reply. A lot of this are things I struggle with and honestly, for me, the dreams can be so jarring. Some are nice, others are brutal and gory. I rarely dream as myself so I think that trips me out a lot, and the fact that I die in my dreams like 50% of the time? My delusions I guess try to cope with it and tell me it is just another world or universe that I exist it. It just trips me out. Especially cause I had one were like, it was a hub connecting to all these different universes and I was 'awake' for once and they told me that I had been in that universe for a long time.
As for the DID, I plan to try to get diagnosed professionally, it is just a terrifying thought on if they say no cause if it isn't, then what is it? I'm like 90% sure that's what it is, and I even had a therapist tell me to get tested for it. I'm just so used to inconclusive tests that its like blehhhhh what if it happens again.
I feel so bad for you because the very things that are Saving me from this cruel wicked petty so called real world are my delusional (?) dreams and my own fantasy world(if that is the fake one?)..
You just helped me realise the situation i was facing i am not alone in this.. If only it didn't went against 7cups policy of anonymity i would really appreciated to stay in touch wid you longer.. I wish you luck thay hopefully your DID is diagnosed.. even if it isnt try persuading the doctor to prescribe you the routine & medicines to suppress this excess activity of your mind since you aren't in control of it..
Just know as long as you can feel there's a problem there's a problem even if it ain't the exact problem the world thinks is common, but it still remains a problem.
One more advice i have for you.. if at all you ever become able to communicate with all your personalities at once.. listen to em like a friend.. They deserve to be heard.. Listen to their pains.. what actually led them to surface when in your case while they stay suppressed for most people.. befrnd them please.. Coz only then you can turn this seemingly weak point into a strength.. (unwanted strength maybe for you) so better cure it..
but in my case it is everything i need at the moment.. probably they don't lie that If God gives you a tough battle, he has already made you a strong soldier to face it head on! i can't seem to get enough of thanking him often.. i feel he has entrusted me with this Power.. but i do know There's a responsibility that comes with it.. so never do i ever try to use my excessively active brain to score a point on people with a normal thought process.. It's something i have been blessed with since abt 1.5 or more years BUT only and only To defend my own self.. the day i went against his word.. I might lose the control too!)
It's only someone like you who is going through the same situation who can really understand, what i mean when i say all this.. for the rest of the people they can only claim to understand while they might not be able to know what it actually feels like..
Thank You So Much for sharing your story too.. I hope similarly reading you more people come out and share theirs so that no person can fill us with shame of being Mentally ill while we do their Worldly tasks better than most of the normal ones too.. and all we are is persons with unique mental abilities!
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