Feel Free To Rant Here! (Safe Space)

i hate it, i hate being the way i am, every day i wake up im reminded of how disgusting i am. i try to find little things to avoid thinking about myself and avoid looking at myself in the mirror but its pointless. i wish i was invisible so that i wouldnt have to see myself, but even just existing if i were invisible would be too much because it feels unfair that someone as disgusting and deplorable as me has a right to be alive. i try to get out of it but all i can think is "you did this to yourself" "you dont deserve to even feel better". i cant handle it all. but i have to, its my punishment for everything and i have to take it like a champ to maybe one day be forgiven of my mistakes. every day its hard to concentrate. every day i dread going to sleep because it takes hours and all i can focus on are the conversations in my head. every second im alone there is always something watching. whether its an evil spirit cursing me or a ghost. theyre all frowing on me. or they get joy out of making me suffer. and i cant even be mad because deep down i know i deserve it all and worse. but im scared that it may actually get worse. what would i do then? i can barely take it now? i wonder if people would look at my suffering and think that i have no right to complain even if i had it worse. they wouldnt be wrong in the slightest. even the person in the mirror, when i look them in the eyes all i can see is disgust and hatred. the thought of myself makes me want to throw up and pull my hair out. the worst thing is not knowing if one day ill lose control again. if ill become emotionless. if ill become selfish. impulsive. im so terrified ill wake up a comeplete different person. theres so many people talking in my head, what if they wait till im most vulnerable and take over? what if they make everything horrible for me and cause me to lose everything i care about and let me back in when ive lost everything? what do i do then? can i even beg people to come back? do they even deserve to be around something like that? im so scared i just want it all to stop but im so scared that when its gone im not even going to know what to do with myself.

GUYS PLEASE LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING AROUND 2 YEARS WITH SHIZOPHRENIA AND ANOREXIA i swear to god if you're skinny and shizophrenic ALL you gotta do Right now EAT MOREEEEEEEE when i ate more i have immediately felt much better and my brain got all the nutrients and calories it needed to get repaired i am still underweight tho but im doing my best to get to the normal BMI and pls pls just don't think a lot of what ur eating just eat it . Thank you

Im tired of talking lies the aloneness when your created different and you or loved are the only ones like it it hurts terribly nobody cares nobody understands you feel depressed ashamed sad withdrawn you feel like nothing but a mistake ive never bern accepted ive always been put down or talked about i feel weird even admitting to it i hear talking voices constantly im not close to anyone but my kids yet i feel like the whole world knows all my business i cant explain strange happenings i dont know where to turn i discovered religion i pray everyday i listen to spiritual podcasts i practice and incorporate bible in my life. I just dont get why so many people have no problem with destroying others although im guilty of that too i had demons in me i know for sure i feel cleansed after 7 years but meth really ruined my life now im turned inside out at least emotionally mentally physically ironically not spiritualy anyway just wanted to rant

i haven't been diagnosed or even seen a professional, i just feel like this belongs here. i dont think i'm real and sometimes when i see things in my room they look weird and really clear the way the light hits them, it just looks like a glitch in the video and i'm very aware of the floor when i walk and my height, i don't recognize my hands often like "are these really mine?" and that's the main reasons i dont think i'm real, everything has been scary because this is new and today i heard something that wasn't real for the first time, it was a flute playing the same tune over and over and it got more intense but no one else heard it. i thought i heard things before but they were quiet and unclear, like whistling and dogs barking, and toddler toys that make an ambulance sound, they were all short and not very loud or noticeable so i brushed it off but the flutes concerned me today. also, i don't know if this is relevant but sometimes my limbs are numb and i cant control them which is another reason i know i'm not real.

I feel not realistically sometimes, i know for positive thinking, but its so difficult for me... People in my life not understand me, and they gone... I feel so lonely no matter im alone or with a another

@M4GIC my faincee is starting to get on my nerves really bad today, like im not dealing with enough already. i wish he would go to work or stay outside.