Waves of bipolar II, I missed you?
I never thought I would be writing in a thread the thoughts and feelings raddling around inside of me, but where does one go when no one around you knows your struggles and you've spent your life mastering the art of masking?
Three years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II. It was following an episode of explosive anger that led me to destroy everything in front of me. That happened time and time again until I finally detailed the episodes, the lows, and the highs and the shopping... The first reaction was relief. Even after trialing medication after medication, seeing my weight on the scale go up and up as a result of them and struggling, I finally found one that was weight neutral and managed to keep me stable, until it stopped working.
Here I am a week after another few days in hypomania, fighting the paranoia, the restlessness, the mass of energy that I did pour into the gym.. it went well until It ended in another explosion into the crash and now, in a low I remembered and in a way, missed?
Which leads me to why I'm writing: one crazy part of me missed the depression. It was a cloud that surrounded me most of my life and the distorted thought patterns almost felt like my thoughts. I feel like I'm gaslighting myself because I don't know what I truly feel and what the illness is causing inside of me. This is the fight, really. With this comes guilt, shame, reclusiveness.. sitting at work, needing to be productive but really counting the hours until you can leave. Being overstimulated by every sound, people speaking too quickly.. I feel like I found and lost myself all at the same time.
Does any of this make sense?
@Chelliechelle
Thank you sincerely for sharing your experience with bipolar disorder. I can relate to many things you mentioned along this long path I’ve been walking. For me, at least, it’s been really interesting to try and shift my perspective on the experiences I had during my depressive and hypomanic episodes.
For instance, unlike what you shared, I used to hate being at my lowest points. I felt miserable, empty, and frozen inside. Now, I find in those moments the intimacy I need to go within and explore myself more deeply. Of course, this has been my journey, and I hope you find your own path as well.
Hi! I'm sorry that you're struggling. I really relate with this. Every time i'm more than a month stable I started to miss being depressed. I think I get so used to the lows, sometimes I can't enjoy when I'm fine 'cause I get a feeling that something bad is going to happend and I need to be prepare for it and at the same time I want the bad thing to happend, I really miss to be depressed. I get guilty because why would I want to be depreed but i cant help it. I have been depressed for such a long time that it feels like is a part of me.
I just want to write and say, I'm newly diagnosed as Bipolar II and I relate to what you've written so, so much. I hope you read this and it brings you some semblance of comfort.
@Chelliechelle
hello, thank you so very much for sharing. This makes lots of sense coming from someone with bipolar II. I felt the sense that I needed my manic episodes to be productive and I need those depressive ones to reflect and connect with myself. When I’m stable that’s where I feel like I’m uneasy like I should be feeling some crazy emotion. Does anyone else feel like they need their episodes to feel like them selves and not a medicated emotionless robot?
I always feel my hypomanic phase is my real self. But I’m lying to myself as that phase feels good. Oh god it feels real gooooooodddd. But to face the reality I would want to be productive and stable without going through these phases.
Depression sucks and the damage caused by hypomania is unbearable. It has caused havoc in my married life. My wife wants to leave me as she’s had it with 10 years of putting up with 3 versions of me.
However with some new medication and active involvement in support groups like this, I am finding my way back in slowly. My medication. My sobriety and my disciplined focus on my recovery plan has led me to still share my home with my wife and show her that I can be a better man. The man that she fell in love with and the man she plans on living her life and getting old with.
it is a tough journey and it is something that you need to commit to. If you don’t do it for yourself you cannot win at all. Doing things to keep your loved ones your employer etc happy will not last you need to do it for yourself and you need to know that your brain is not like the rest of the world and God has made it special to feel something no one ever could feel. The range and degree of emotions we feel is not something that happens randomly. You got to believe in your purpose and your future. You have to do it for you.
You have to put one last honest effort for yourself and give it all that you got. Keep the good fight on!!