Chelliechelle Member Profile

...See more I never thought I would be writing in a thread the thoughts and feelings raddling around inside of me, but where does one go when no one around you knows your struggles and you've spent your life mastering the art of masking? Three years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II. It was following an episode of explosive anger that led me to destroy everything in front of me. That happened time and time again until I finally detailed the episodes, the lows, and the highs and the shopping... The first reaction was relief. Even after trialing medication after medication, seeing my weight on the scale go up and up as a result of them and struggling, I finally found one that was weight neutral and managed to keep me stable, until it stopped working. Here I am a week after another few days in hypomania, fighting the paranoia, the restlessness, the mass of energy that I did pour into the gym.. it went well until It ended in another explosion into the crash and now, in a low I remembered and in a way, missed? Which leads me to why I'm writing: one crazy part of me missed the depression. It was a cloud that surrounded me most of my life and the distorted thought patterns almost felt like my thoughts. I feel like I'm gaslighting myself because I don't know what I truly feel and what the illness is causing inside of me. This is the fight, really. With this comes guilt, shame, reclusiveness.. sitting at work, needing to be productive but really counting the hours until you can leave. Being overstimulated by every sound, people speaking too quickly.. I feel like I found and lost myself all at the same time. Does any of this make sense?

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