Feelings Misunderstood and Unseen Everywhere: I Hate This Pain

My name is Micah. I have Schizoaffective and PTSD. I struggle with connecting and communicating how I feel especially online. I am very detached from internet culture, gaming, ***, social media, and my peers. I’ve always been atypical outsider due to my mixed ethnicity, upbringing, and trauma. I enjoy sharing / creating music, writing, philosophy, and design / art. I am not sure where my life is headed. I am 27, unemployed, and I have a somewhat useless degree. I need to finish my education and also pursue my other artistic aspirations. I never know where I fit in and my sense of community is deeply fragmented when it comes to race, masculinity, identity, and social norms. I am neurodivergent too and my only passion is sharing and creating music. I also have intellectual appetite and desire to learn about drawing, design, and building an app but I don’t know where to begin. Anyhow, I want FRIENDS real friends and relationships beyond the internet. I am so exhausted by how superficial everything is nowadays and how communication feels artificial online and even dating apps. I know I am complaining but I wonder if the source of my isolation stems from ever belonging anywhere and being painfully shy and stuck in my head for too long since I was a kid.

On other news, I feel this isolation everywhere online and offline. I hardly have any apps on my phone and I am old-fashioned when it comes to meeting people for the first time. I can’t even socialize too maybe it’s because of my neurodivergent personality. I hate going to family events with extended family, being an only child child, mixed and unusual upbringing (raised by women). I even hate talking to other men about my issues since I find talking to other men feels contrived and uncomfortable due to a lot men issues, vulnerability’s, and repression especially as a black male. I hate going to barber shops too and race makes it more awkward and hard to connect with my counterparts when talking about the same isssues. These are just generalizations bare with me guys. Although I find it easier to talk to women, I still feel misunderstood and I am perceived as someone who wants to date and be friends solely to have sex. Don’t misunderstand me I don’t hate women but bad experiences leave me feeling more misunderstood really by everyone at this point. It doesn’t help with the fact I experienced paranoia, auditory hallucinations, and delusions due to my disorder. Of course in this decaying climate of the world, nothing is getting easier especially for me. I have no idea what community represents me and my values as a human being.