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Sorry for overposting. but I don't share here often or really anywhere online. I am offline in a lot ways.
My name is Micah. I'm 27 years of age and I live with my grandmother and aunt. As for my diagnosis, I have PTSD and Schizoaffective (Bipolar II). My upbringing and mental health journey are very unique to me and I've always found it difficult for others to relate to me for the longest time. I am an only child and I was born overseas on army airfield base in Germany. I grew up here with my grandparents, mom, and aunt. I want to avoid the term "loner" since it's very ambiguous and has a lot negative connotations as we already know. However, I was a "good boy" and type of loner who was imaginative and naive, but painfully shy. I struggled immensely at school and socializing due to my learning disability and bullying (mixed ethnicity). I will fast forward to the first traumatic event where I was stigmatized and mislabeled with "aspergers syndrome" by my school system at the age of 11. This situation grew increasingly complex when I decided to bring a pairing knife to defend myself from my bullies. It then involved another friend who a troubled loner who manipulated and exploited my character. For starters, I never had the intention to harm and inflict violence on anyone. My school administration painted as a physical threat and "troubled loner." During this time, my grandfather had passed away to lung cancer. In the meantime, my family fought against the school system which wanted to send me to a specialized institution for troubled children. I should also mention that my school system racially profiled me and destroyed my confidence by claiming that I was incompetent and unable to succeed in school. I was the type of boy who hid himself in closets and kitchen cabinets whenever I felt ashamed or apprehensive. I internalized the belief I was a "bad kid" and a threat to others. As a matter of fact, many of my peers on my school bus gossiped about my story and somehow got the wrong idea and called me a "psychopath loner." It's pretty *** up. As for the highlights and silver linings of this story, I worked tirelessly at home reading books and proving to my school that I was academically capable and successful. I was home-schooled for that duration and I was also on house arrest for a bit. I was deeply misunderstood on so many levels I couldn't tell you.
Moving forward, I thankfully stayed in the same school district and battled a lot of the gossip in the aftermath at school and on my school bus. I graduated high school as an average B student and succeeded. I had a few friends to count on who were social outcasts and misfits themselves, but I was especially alone and never found my niche anywhere in school instead I tried numerous of things to help me succeed and get involved academically such as cross country, music band, and a writing club. So you made it through the first part hooray!
Following high school, I attended college and received a scholarship from a small liberal arts school in New York at the time. Here I experienced my first depressive and psychotic episode. Although I talked to people at school, I was socially maladjusted due to all the bullying and being ostracized my former years. I found it extremely difficult to make new friends and I thought by going to the city I could leave my old town behind and forced myself to get fresh new perspective. I was a great writer, but I didn't know what exactly I wanted to pursue as a major or career at 18. I struggled with episodes of depression and mania for two years at this school that spiraled out of control as time went on. My GPA plummeted from 3.4 to 1.7. At the time, I first was exposed to weed by my roommates and I had a psychotic episode that involved visual hallucinations, mania, and paranoia. My second year, I withdrew from classes and I roamed endlessly through the city at night and on subways and sleeping in classrooms during my manic episodes. My imagination also betrayed me and I was unable to write or harness my passions. I was lost and I didn't know how I got there. I will also mention I dealt with a *** roommate who would bring women and have sex often and lock me out of my room, it was an awfully lonely and dark time. I withdrew from college in May 2017.
I returned home to the same old town haunted by my ghosts of my "self" and "trauma." My hallucinations stopped thankfully and I was given the diagnosis of depression at the time. I have to also admit when I heard the term psychosis from therapists I hated it initially and my mind would link it to how some of my peers bullied me and called me psychopath. As you already know, those definitions are totally unrelated. At this time I went to community college multiple times and attended a program in the city eventually to help recenter and assist students who were mentally unstable in school. I was fueled by anger during this time, mania, isolation, and depression. However, it was strangely distorted with moments of pure joy and glee. You see I got myself involved a deep long distance relationship 4,000 miles away with a pen pal online. This is where my life reached at a pinnacle of confusion and hardship.
For three years, I struggled to find myself and I was in a relationship which at the time I thought would lead to an engagement or potentially a future elsewhere. I loved this person so deeply and obsessively that I wanted her to be my whole world and my only sense of joy. After three to four years, our relationship rotted away and since 2021, I have never fully recovered. During that time I spend multiple summers and holidays with her while I was also experiencing psychotic episodes fueled by mania and depression. Before anyone assumes, I never was abusive or violent to anyone but myself. Our relationship ended due to a lot reasons I won't share here. My psychosis and depression was so extreme that I ended up with many addictions and I found myself wandering aimlessly on the highways at midnight and across fields in the Midwest. My memories are so distorted. This was the beginning of my Bipolar Depression.
Finally, I am here it's 2024 and recently I graduated from a new college as a transfer student. Although it's a bit strange now since I have walked through all these valleys in my life alone essentially. My family has always been there for me though. It's also very strange since I've transferred to this new college, I experienced my third criss where my Schizoaffective Disorder came into full fruition. Thankfully I was able to pass school, but I began to experience over the period of one full year: delusions of grandiose, persecutory delusions, auditory hallucinations. I never used any drugs this is all psychological At this school I experienced this psychosis slowly form and consume me by the time I graduated perfect timing eh? I was hospitalized after my graduation it felt extremely existential and I couldn't articulate my stories and experiences with my psychiatrist. My world and words left my body completely. My delusions rendered me silence and deeply depressed since they distorted my reality and provided with manic belief systems so out of touch with reality. After I was released from the hospital, I then experienced auditory hallucinations for the first time it was terrifying it took the form of male and female voice ridiculing me, whispering, and spying me on everything I do. It's been so difficult I am right now in a better place and considering a new education path and career and I am on medication and I have a psychiatrist after a few years. Although my world is still upside down it's been about seven years and now I am in childhood home staring out from the same rooms and windows I saw since growing up here.
I still feel alone despite positive things are finally happening right now and my mind is clear, but I feel extremely sad about the hopelessness, confusion, and so much more I forgot to share. The lost of friends and human relationships and the lost of my mind to the highest degree.
