I messed up

I havent been diagnosed with bipolar yet but im pretty sure i have it tbh. My educator and my parents decided to send me to a psychologist to check whot i have bcs of my headache.

Anyway here is my story:

I normally should be dead by now bcs if been depressed for years already and suicidal too.

I wanted to end myself last winter but i hesetated bcs i was scared and then planned to do it in the easter holidays.

I wont write down why etc bcs its pretty complicated.

Anyway a girl i liked kind of saved me from my planned suicide and i burned all of my suicide notes bcs they were out of date anyway. I stayed a lil while bcs maybe we could becone a couple.

She is just perfect and we were twinning alot and had alot of shared interest.

After easter holidays were i normally wanted to go she told me she liked me too.

Like i was so shocked.

I didnt know whot to do i was so confused and i couldnt belive it.

I had no clue whot i should do back then and didnt try anything risky.

I told my friend about her and he said i should hurry up.

I didnt listen to him bcs i wanted to play it save and slow bcs i had no experience whens about that.

But after that day i felt like i was burning inside.

I had so much confidence energie and i had so many ideas all of the sudden.

I wanted to also start many projects etc and i turned intoo an extrovert.

But i was way to creative and overthought things and did way to dump things.

We met 2 times and the first time i did nothing like i didnt even touched her.

And the secend time i thought i need to make a move bcs i know she likes me and i did so dump things.

And also everytime i saw her anywere i turned intoo a walkimg panic attack so ya.

I messed up.

After we met i was way to clingy and textet some dump shit and did dump shit i would have never done.

And now she pretty much hates me hehe.

She was the one who saved my life and was bassicly the bigfest reason why i was still alive.

And now she is gone.

I think im so ded already anyway that even she cant save me anymore probably.

Like i was so deep intoo my mania i faded completly away from reality.

I only thaught about possibilitys and forgot about the obvious things.

Anyway after i messed up i felt worse and worse.

School just started and im bassicly already a ded body just floating around getting pushed by others.

I feel worse than back in winter when i normally wanted to end my self and i thought this was the limmit.

But i dont wanna end myself.

I have too many people caring about me and i dont even want to imagine whot kind of pain i would cause if i go.

I dont know what i should do now.

It almost feels like i die anyway cause my body is falling appart from its own already.

And my headache and every other pain in mind and body just gets stronger and stronger.

Everyday feels worse and worse.

Pls help me :3