My partner refused to help with my anxiety
Hi everyone, I'm feeling a lot hurt right now and I need some outside perspective.
Me and my partner were arguing about something trivial, when he said that something I did was something typical of stupid people to do, and i panicked because it's a huge phobia of mine to be considered stupid by him (he has... little tolerance towards "stupidity"). I asked him, if he ever implies something I do is stupid (which is fine! We don't have to agree to everything) to just reassure me that he doesn't think I am stupid. He refused to do it even if I asked multiple times, telling me he found it an insult to my intelligence (even if I repeteadly told him it would actually make me feel better), then agreed by saying that if I wanted to be treated like a mental institute patient he would do it.
It took a lot of me to just ask for this, as I'm not used to be vulnerable about my social anxiety, and it's only after a few months of therapy that I've started asking for explicit support about my phobias. Everyone has been supportive apart from him, and I'm now hurt and confused because I don't feel like asking for too much? He made me feel kind of pathetic for asking, honestly. He knows of my anxiety, knows other people have been supporting me, kows how terrified I am to be seen as stupid by him, so I don't really understand his reaction. Am I overreacting in considering this extremely serious?
@amicableMoon5744 no your not over reacting at all, people, especially your partner needs to be supportive of your insecurities. I understand the fear of being seen as stupid🙁 I was not educated, never been to school. And kinda have had to learn everything theese past few years. So the fear of being seen as stupid is not nice. When your both calm, I think you need to tell him your insecurities again, and ask him to never use them against you even though heated discussions. Cause it's not nice. Then just see if he ever does it again, cause you don't want to get trapped in a relationship where you are afraid to be yourself, or not respected. Good luck sweetie ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Yeah, as soon as I see him we'll need to have e long talk about it, even because the best reaction I get when I share my social anxiety induced fears has been to just... tell me that they don't make sense and to stop being scared, which wasn't nice. I already told him that being questioned about those fears and their rationality is not useful at all, but I feel like this time he went over that in a worse direction.
I guess I'm not quite sure on how to address this, I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I want to be safe and supported by him, especially considering that next year is going to be extremely stressful for me!
@amicableMoon5744 no ultimatum needed. Just talk calmly about how he hurt you ❤ I'm right here if you need me ❤
@amicableMoon5744
He knows your anxiety already and the importance of you to not feel stupid in front of him ... yet he did not back down on what was most likely saying something he did not mean in reality.... This would be different if he was completely unaware of your feeling on this.
Now he sees how it this causes you deep distress.... Are you aware of if he uses it and makes you on defense to appease his view... to walk on eggshells to make sure it does not happen again.... this is more then him not apologizing for a mean comment.... think about if this relationship is on a level playing field.
@toughTiger6481I'm not really sure why he got so angry about it honestly. He never had the best reaction to me sharing my anxiety, but this time it was way out of line, maybe he was already angry about something and lost control, and when he's that angry he gets really mean, but this kind of venom in his tone was something new and honestly heartbreaking. I even asked him if being proven right about what he was saying (especially how what I was asking him was illogical and useless) was so important to him that he couldn't even help me a little, and he said yes, so... I'm quite taken aback. I ended up telling him that we're together and a favor shouldn't be so hard to get, but he was gone with rage at that point.
@amicableMoon5744
I would only be guessing why.... there can be many reasons....
Sometimes frustration becomes angry or sounds angry when we do not know what to do.... how to really help and we just want the condition/ situation to be over.... he might be seeing this is something that most likely won't go away and will happen over and over regardless of his help or support and he could be frustrated by that.... i had a person do that to me not that they did not care but they felt unable to help and frustrated when ever it happens.
@amicableMoon5744 you’re not overreacting. He is being a jerk!