I get to close to people and then I get hurt.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost and scared with no sense of direction or safety. I made a huge mistake, I think. I went through a really hard time, and no one was there for me, but one day my school counselor called me in to talk to her.

I do not like talking about my emotions. And when I do, it has to be with someone close to me. Well, it took me a while to get used to her (the school counselor), but once I did it was very comfortable and I found myself going to her about lots of things. But because of Covid I haven't been able to talk to her as much because my school is shut down. Now it's summer break, so I feel like I'm not allowed to email her. I feel like I made a mistake because I think I may have made a deeper bond with her than I should have. I know I'm supposed to go to her for emotions and stuff, but I can't help missing her a lot. She felt almost like a second mother to me. But the thing is, I have a hard time making ties with anyone, because I always go to deep or get too attached so I seperate myself because I'm scared of being hurt even though I'm kind of hurting myself. So then I'm fake around other people and I'm sad because I can't just be myself. Of course, there are other reasons I seperate myself, but this is one that's been bothering me lately. I don't know why I get so attached to people and then get hurt when they don't feel the same way or when they don't want to be friends anymore. So if anyone has any ideas that I could try or if they think maybe I have a disorder (idk if there's even a disorder for this) I'd like to know. Oh yeah! One more reason this bothers me is because I'm too afraid to go to a therapist/counselor in the community, even though I need to because of some other mental health concerns. Anyway, I just don't really know what to do.