Too anxious

I stare at the darkness at night thinking a million thoughts which tend to be negative thoughts, I start to hyperventilate until the point where I am light headed, my heart is racing a million beats per second or where I feel like my throat is choking and I cannot get any air in, where my chest burns and it takes me hours to relax.

Im that person who holds in everything until they're home somewhere were they can pour it out and tell their mum, but that changed a long time ago, now I hold in everything until it is night where I can release it, sometimes it just builds up too much and I start worrying about major stuff to minor stuff like what time is it in the night.

I have probably the worst social anxiety ever, it's so hard for me to talk to anyone because I think about what I'm going to say and when it comes out it doesn't make sense, probably not even English, I get really really embarrassed when I do stuff up, I stop talking and when people notice and tease me my confidence goes back five steps backwards then five steps forward, I believe last year tore my confidence apart, two years ago I was gaining confidence but then I lost it all,

I have very low self esteem so it's hard to be me I guess infront of people, when I'm at home I'm fine but in public I am just the worse, if I make a mistake when ordering something and not giving enough or too much change, I repeatedly say sorry like I had done something terrible. It generally just sucks and I want to be happy.