That One Step Forward, That Fear of Failure.
Last friday I made a decision. A decision to pursue my dreams: To be a Writer, a Content Creator and a Psychologist.
Currently in Finances, a major I do not want to be in any longer, unemployed and depressed, I decided to take a step towards my passions:
I started writing my novel from nothing, I made a YouTube channel and a first video and I became a Listener on 7Cups. What remains is to give my all in the major I have now in order to finish it, then start my studies in Psychology afterwards.
After years, I began tackling all my passions, all at once.
But the fear and anxiety kicked in at the right moment:
Tomororw I need to shoot and upload a new video, I want to write another chapter in my story and the next day afterwards I begin my third year in Finances.
"What if nobody will like my videos, what if I make an embarassment of myself, what if nothing good comes out of it, what if I waste my time."
"Why bother writing that story, no one will read it."
"Why try so hard to make your studies work, You barely manage anyways."
"Why try. Why do so much. You will fail."
Fear, Anxiety, lack of confidence, they all start hitting me blow by blow, the day before i should be at my strongest.
I fear failure so much i barely try, and tomorrow is that first step in all the directions I once before gave up on. But it is so hard, and honestly, I feel like I barely have the strength.
But you see... if I give up again, I will fall back here, where I am now. I will return to this.
So, is it really that bad?
Maybe. Maybe it is.
Who said everything needs thinking? Once the plan is set, why not just mindlesly follow it?
Tomorrow I am setting foot for a journey I HONESTLY have no clue if I will finish or return from it alive. A journey I always tried to walk on but barely managed to make a few steps in before returning. A journey in the dark.
Yet at least I know that even if I fail and return,
I will come back stronger.