Scared away a new friend
't know I had anxious attachment style until I met this new friend on vacation. We are both the same gender. We clicked so well that I thought she was my soulmate. I find out she doesn't like compliments nor does she like anything emotional. We stayed in contact through emails but she was slowly distancing herself from me until I became so anxious. I think I am trying to be friends with someone who has a dismissive attachment styles. I feel we are polar opposites. I am emotional and like to get close to someone whereas she is not emotional and enjoy her free time when she wants. What triggered my anxiety was when she disappeared for an unusual amount of time that I thought something happened to her after a 10 day trek on a mountain trip. My anxiety lead me to call the police to check on her. She made the reason of being away on another vacation she didn't tell me about. This was after her 10 day trek vacation she told me about was completed. I never imagined she would go on another vacation. She thinks I acted crazy and wants no contact with me anymore. Now I am not sure what to do. I have not contacted her for 3 weeks. I have been working on myself to not be so attached & emotionally needy. I want to be a better friend to her now that I know what she doesn't like. I enjoy hearing her adventures & she is smart. I read that after 6 weeks a dismissive person will start to miss someone. I am planning to write to her then. Is this salvageable? Any Advice?
@Temesgen9
I think that you overstepped the mark, and for you, it's not salvageable.
If you are right, however, and she gets in touch after a while, then you have another chance.
@DavidEss thank you for your feedback. I will prepare myself for the worst.
@Temesgen9
And for the best too!
@Temesgen9
Hi, I know your hurting because of this and im feeling for you. It reminded me of a saying and also how i messed up a couple relationships. If you had a handful of diamonds and didnt want to loose them, the trick is to hold gently. The more you tighten your grip, the more diamonds would slip from between your fingers. Ive tried to hard like you did in the past: with good intentions. But ive lost those poeple because I tried to hard. Loosen your grip, try to relax, and get back out there to make some new friendships. Be careful because when you try to hard it attracts the scumbag manipulative users who will skillfully take all they can get from you and trust me: they will not care for 1 second when your used up and broken, they will go find another sucker because thats what they do. Its a hard but very important lesson. Learn to love and rely on the only person in the world you should ever trust "YOU" 👊
@ thanks so much for your thoughtful response and care. I will remember about the diamond analogy. Taking it easy, being patient and being careful with the types of people I get close to are all on my list of improvements.
@Temesgen9
Oh your very welcome. Its sad we have to get our feeling hurt and heart broken numerous times before we learn that. Its a little about our need to boost our self-worth and self-esteem i think also. Here is a copy of a post i wrote not to long ago with a simular message about how trying to hard affects other areas of our lives. Keep your chin up my friend!
LOOSEN YOUR GRIP ON LIFE
What ever the answer or solution to our percieved problems is/are, just remember this: Dont try so hard that when you pass away your found with that (Oh sooo serious look on yur face and holding up your tightly clentched fist ) ITS A REAL BAD/SAD SIGHT!" ........and what a waste!
Loosen your grip now, while you have a chance to relax and live some, enjoy this present moment and stop thinking your broken. You are probably not enjoying yur life if your trying so hard that its not fun any more. Yur perfect, creative, and loved. Dont let others profit off you by telling you your not right. You are right!!
Be careful of trying to hard or you might end up buying into the hype and end up spending hard earned money on car salesman-like therapist with their fake a-$$ smiles and bs theories. Ease up on yourself and stop trying to fix whats not even broken. Dont be tricked. Love life, and go DO YOU!
Dont judge because you'll end up judging yourself and not like what you see. Loosen that grip!!
Those that matter wont mind at all
Those that mind dont matter at all
Honestly i often have wondered if people we have been hurt by even had feelings sometimes. Id like to think ive taken responsibility for my actions in the past, but you make a very good point. Its totally possible that when we feel hurt by somebodies caliousness, we are feeling to hurt to consider how they might be feeling. Our we so damaged that sometimes we are incapable to comprehend this? Hmmmm, must we heal first? Do we have to go back and take a closer look at past painful situations all over again. I've already felt those disapointments and im not sure going back is always a good thing. Id like to think ive used good moral character in past upsets because im the type of person that usually finds trust-worthy people to talk about how im feeling, and i ask them for honesty and to keep it real with me before i take actions needed to end my feelings of being used. And to stop the suffering i have been know to have analyzed it 6 ways to Sunday, then i say "Get Out" in a way to make it final and i dont look back. But i would hate to have ever mixed up being used with holding on to tight, but now you have given me more to think about. Thank you
Can a released grip turn into pushing away? Hmmmmmi 👋
@humorousDay8793 I think yes, most people do have feelings. I think they have built up a defense mechanism to block emotions since emotions are associated with pain to them. Do to this, they lack ways to express feeling. For others sharing emotions is a way of feeling good. They are deprived of it.
And yes, in your analogy, holding too loose means dropping the diamonds. In every situation, balance seems to be the key word.
@Temesgen9
I can see how i want companionship but i push them all away quickly. I sabotauge myself. I think i really am way more screwed up than i let myself see; because the more i become aware, the worse i feel. 😦
@humorousDay8793 be happy with you. Be independent and let people come to you.
@Temesgen9
I know thats great advice, but ive been taking care of myself and nobody is knocking on my door 🍁🍂🍃🍁
@humorousDay8793 go somewhere where the door is open 😊
@Temesgen9
Im living within in a budget so strick i have 1.25 per day for my perscriptions gas and cosmetics. Going somewhere within budget is shopping, my doctor both once, and maybe once to the store or park per month. I am outside but cant walk well so im leaning hard on the railing. Im trying 🤔
@humorousDay8793 how about doing some volunteer activities? Be involved with your community. That should be good for you.
@Temesgen9
I would love to be involved in some way, and have an oppertunity to be around people. I still have no money for gas for my car. If i could get a ride i would do what i can. Taking care of my duties at home is full time challanging for me due to the debilitating bone disease i have, but i absolutely need to get out of here and around other people because being so isolated has been terrible for my frame of mind. I really appreciate you bouncing good ideas my way. Today i went to the city resources to try to explain all im up against. I was hoping for some direction, ideas, or options but i dont feel like i learned much. I was helped by 3 gifts, a bar of soap, toothbrush, and deodorant. I will be going back again at the beggining of Dec. to see what theyve found. Thanks again!! 😊
@humorousDay8793 sorry to hear moving around is a bit challenging for you. Keep exploring and see what you can find. 👍
@Temesgen9
I'm trying my best, i truly am
Thank for for caring!!
