Paranoia in my relationship
Im in a relationship (it's been a few months now) and lately I've been paranoid. What triggered this is that usually my bf doesn't use whatsapp that much. Yes, he used it to get to know me, so during our first month of dating he was more active, answering me all the time. Then after the first month he said that he doesnt like to text that much, he prefers talking in person. So he replies to all of my texts, but is not active every minute. He let hours pass between messages.
But since last week, he started to be online more. And my paranoid mind instantly took note of this. At first I thought that, since he was having a health issue, and he was texting me more about that, maybe that was the reason for him being more active online.
But I noticed that with each day he was more active, texting me more. Lately I even downloaded an app to track when he is online and when he goes offline, out of fear. I started to think, what if hes texting with another girl?
And with this app I found out that lately he's always online, more than usual. For example, in the last three hours he was online every five minutes. And I kept thinking, who is he texting with?
I'm very paranoid about this and I felt more anxious than usual today because of this. He said to me in he first month, that if there are problems, or if he lose interest, he will let me now immediately. And he doesnt seem the type of guy that wants to mess with me or cause me harm. He's not an impulsive person.
I know that the issue here is my fear of him cheating, not his behaviour. I was like this with my ex too. I ws paranoid and suspicious of him possibly cheating, even tho he never did. I want to get past this fear of mine, when he goes online even for one hour straight I want to be able to think "oh ok he is online, it's ok, he is probably in his group chats...".
I've been in this cycle before - obsessively checking my ex's snapscores go up and wondering who he was talking to and why wasnt it me. emphasis on ex. it became tiring and eventually I had to end it because I knew it wasnt healthy, turned out he didnt care anyways. now, I'm in a healthy relationship and I've never worried because we talk everything through, including our past problems in and out of relationships. as cliche as it may be, communication really is key. you could go for the subtle approach and ask him if hes joined any groups (societies in uni/college maybe, sports clubs??) or just be direct and explain how youre feeling (albeit maybe not mentioning the app thing lol). you mentioned that hes straightforward too and not that kind of person, so maybe he'll just straight up talk to you about it. another solution that doesnt involve talking to him is to just distract yourself as best as possible when you're not speaking to him, read or watch videos, things you enjoy. perhaps have a personalised notification noise for him so you know when hes replied so you wont have to constantly check. I hope this helps even a tiny bit
@frankcastles he told me that he would talk to me if there will be problems or issues, or if he lose interest (we talked about this during the first stage). But he is always online, even now, every five or ten minutes, and he wasnt like this. He said to me that he doesnt like texting much, thats why im suspicious. When he replies to me in a loving tone, I automatically assume he is cheating on me, and thats why he acts so interested towards me ( i did that a few minutes ago, and felt so sick that i didnt want to answer him), which is a unhealthy thought process.. Like, poor him, maybe he is just texting with a friend in need, or his groups about games, and im here not answering him because I feel anger towards him.
if he told you that, then (easier said than done) try to trust that he means it. could you try to bring it up in conversation, through trivial question such as "do you have any insecurities in a relationship"? just as though you're having a conversation. i get what you mean about not answering him, it's like you want him to double/triple text you to get your attention :(
Its difficult for me to talk about this because i dont want to sound needy or desperate. I could try to talk about the topic in a casual way tho. I mean, he is texting me more than usual and its what i wanted. But his interest now seem fake to me after my suspicions. Yeah, also i got sick and felt anger towards him, and in this state i couldnt text him.
ah I get you. to me, I think you arent being needy and that you just need some reassurance which is fine to ask for! but I also know that it's like a battle between two sides of your brain: the logical one and the one that's trying to make you feel worse, and you can say you arent being needy all you want but that doesnt mean you'll believe yourself (I hope that makes sense). I hope someone else can tune in and offer some more help for you :)
I liked this attitude towards it
I think i have to delete that tracking app. Its the only thing giving me extreme anxiety. I even had dreams yesterday that he was online all night. I woke up and checked the app and he wasnt. We talked about our day in general and he mentioned that he had to post things on his group chat about card games. So i assume when he was online yesterday he was there. Not chatting with a fantasy girl! I need to delete the app asap and stop thinking about cheating. Trust him for once.
My thought process is so weird because, before, when he was texting me not that much, I always thought "i wish he was texting me all the time", and now im way more happy when he is more offline than online. He is texting me more these past days, but he's always online, today for example. ANd i find it weird that he wasnt like this 2 weeks ago.
I am so suspicious and my anxiety gave me a headache. I spent way too many hours thinking about this and feeling anger towards him. It's like I already am sure that he is texting with another, when in reality maybe he is just on his group chats...
