Order & Mayhem

I recently started a job that Im now thinking about quitting. Im very torn because Im not sure if it will resolve itself if I just stick around, or it really isnt a good fit for me. Im struggling very hard to make sense of this so I apologize in advance if this reads a bit too rambly.

I pursued the career change because I wanted to be a bit more active and dynamic. I had come from desk jobs and gradually moved into careers that still had some computers involved but still allowed me to move my body more. The job started out well enough, but gradually became stressful and gave me anxiety attacks. Our supervisor very clearly cares about us and tries to maintain a relaxed attitude to minimize stress by being hands off. It did become obvious from the first week that there was also a lot of inter-office that involved a lot of polite micro-aggressions and passive aggressiveness with other departments.

Although I enjoy the nature of the job itself, most of the stress came from the lack of structure, protocol. Sure, we had some little things that we generally adhered to but there was no larger, overarching structure to help you see whats going on or be aware/ensure you werent stepping on someones shoes or process. We had a huge to do list but because it wasnt designated to just one person, only the tasks that anyone actually remembered got addressed. There were little tasks that werent consistent enough for it to be retained in your memory. Although my peers are extremely kind, patient, helpful, everyone still did things differently that it takes a while to figure out whats going on when they dont happen to be available at that particular moment. Its fast paced, but it does make sense in its own way.

I talked to my supervisor about all of this and just the fact that we could reduce minor nitpicks on each if there was more structure or protocol. I was told that there will never be structure, protocol, boundaries. Perhaps due to my personality, being that I want specific guidelines and rules, my personality was not a right fit for the job. They insist that they don't want to micromanage so there just won't be a defined structure. Since then, my supervisor has been nitpicky with me and it even feels like Im accused of little things that was largely due to my just following what I was taught and consistently sticking to it because I really just didnt know enough to deviate from what was taught to me. I have noticed everyone else being more proactive than usual since, tasks dont pile up or go undone since someones always guaranteed to check up on it.

Ive got this strong sense of putting my best foot forward and overthinking and making sure Im understanding or doing the job properly. It got really bad on this job since theres a part of it where its hard to remember if you have done or said something and you cant back up the claim or really defend yourself except take their word for it. My supervisor is extremely busy and honestly I think they have a lot on their plate that they could use an assistant. I also think that having an established protocol or structure would probably alleviate a lot of that stress.

I was encouraged to express any concerns, suggestions I had if there was something I thought could help the department function better, or even vent if there was something that was making me unhappy. I guess maybe I just got a little to anxious. My brain had a hard time checking out of work even after I got home just over analyzing how I couldve handled something better, how I couldve communicated a little better. The stress and anxiety just kept rolling from one day to the next. Ive started exhibiting anxiety attacks that I have chest pains and want to cry depending on how the day is going. Im not normally like this and I know that Im inclined to try and seek order to alleviate my anxiety, something that I have trouble seeking at work.

Ive only been on the job for a few months and I feel like maybe just by pointing out what was stressful for me and something that could be improved on I might have given the impression that Im being pompous. Ive never really had that kind of experience previously and people will at least nod their heads and just take the suggestion anyway. Its a very collaborative environment and its hard to express what piece of information or action you need from someone when you yourself arent aware of what kind of terminology or key phrase needs to be uttered to get it taken care of.

I need to find a way to be grounded and I'm just having a very hard time doing that here.