Negative Conversations
If you've ever been in CBT, you've probably heard something like this: "If you are calm and rational with someone, they will be calm and rational with you". For the most part this is true, but what do you do when it doesn't work? This is the one thing I've never really seen anyone address.
Just yesterday I had a conversation with someone who was aggressive and mean no matter what I said or did. Everything I said got a negative response. It was horrible for me, and caused me to have a panic attack. It was impossible to stop thinking about it afterwards. Thinking things like: "What did I do wrong? Was everything I said wrong? I must have done something wrong for them to be mad at me." Even when you know, logically, that you did nothing wrong.
So how do you get through it? For me, I did my best to distract myself once I felt secure again. I ate something nice and played a game, just trying to keep my mind off of it. But in the moment, what do you do? I'm sure we all understand that we can't control the way others will respond to us, but how do you not blame yourself? How do you deal with the perpetually unpleasant people that we all have to deal with sometimes?
Anyone with tips or advice is welcome to share.
@LaaLa
Hey I feel you. The other day I was in session with my therapist and she said that maybe if I calmly expressed myself things would go correctly but that's not the case for me and the people in talk...
Anyways i relax by locking myself in my room, putting on music or something to watch to distract me from my own thoughts. Just anything with sound really and I actually listen to it... I force myself to give most of my attention to it until there's not enough energy to even fret about what just happened to me.
There are always going to be people who we can't reason with and that's not our fault. It can be so hard to recognize that you aren't the one with the problem and that's okay. That takes time to realize. <3
@HalliwellSister Haha, I do the same thing. My room is the one place I feel safe.
@LaaLa
Yes! My bed room is my safe zone!
@LaaLa
Hi, Thank you for sharing your experience.
Honestly, I really don't think that if you are calm and rational other people will too. Maybe if I'm calm and rational, I'll be able to see them more calmly and rationally, but if someone is jumping up excited or something that's not calm.... and that is usually regardless of how you are.. haha
What I would do is tell myself that "maybe they're having a bad day" or something to blame the external things.
Some people are just mean sometimes, sometimes people lose control and if you see them that way, it's usually not because of you, it's because of them I feel like.
@helpfulSugar9 I do try to think of them as having a bad day or something like that, but it doesn't stop the feeling of having done something wrong. Of course I know, logically, that I did nothing at all, but it's kind of impossible to not get upset anyway.
@LaaLa
If I find myself in a situation where someone is verbally abusive I tend to walk away. I will tell them that I am prepared to talk again after they calmed down and can enter into a rational dialogue.
@LaaLa
Hi LaaLa! :)
For me personally, if I am having a conversation with someone and they are responding in a way that feels unwarranted, I would ask if I have offended them in some way. If they say yes, I try to address it and talk it out. If they are hesitant about addressing it in that moment, I give them space and come back to the subject some other time and ask them if they would like to talk about it now. If they say no, I tell myself that they might be going through a tough time, or they are mad, in a bad mood, etc- and it might have nothing to do with me personally. If they have said no, then at this point it depends on who the person is and I guess how close you are. If you know them well and feel that they might like to talk about what's going on, you can ask. But... sometimes people can be reserved about something that's happening, and it's ok- they will share if/when they want to- it might not be helpful to push. I hope this helps :P!
