Intrusive thoughts and Severe anxiety in relationship

TRIGGER WARNING ( ABUSE , GROOMING DEPRESSION ANXIETY

Hello! I hope I can get some support and messages here because i somewhat want reassurance and need to communicate these thoughts aloud.. rather than place them in my notes app.

Well! In my life I am a survivor? Of child neglect/ abuse and SA (s*xual a*use) I went from home to home between my Diane and my grandmother and I had received love there but then my mom had got custody of me and she was very neglectful of me and my emotions even after I told her abt my abuse. I yearned for her love. I wanted my dear mother. Well years later I was severely depressed and sought out love relationship’s— I loved very hard. In the end for all my relationship I was too clingy and was too much for them. One of my relationships ended because I was too much and the others ended because they treated me horribly such as taking advantage of me. One of my relationships did so much damage to me, I was taking advantage of and lost majority of my friends because of him. He was a bad person, he kept me around just to have other girlfriends but still gave me hope. I know half of this was my fault because I kept sticking my hand into the lions den, wanting for my love to be reciprocated. Years later I was online groomed and taken advantage of her again, I told myself I wasn’t going to be in another relationship. Months later I met my now boyfriend. I gave him lots of love and there were obstacles at first and we took a break. When I realized my now boyfriend is who I want to be I decided to take it upon myself to change for the better, because I didn’t want my relationship to be like the others I wanted to be better for myself and him. I wanted to put into effort to be healthy. I have been on and off of birth control because of medical issues and I had gotten my period when all this stress started. I kept stressing over the fact if I actually loved my boyfriend. I was obsessing over this thought and I kept checking with my friend for reassurance hoping I didn’t do anything wrong and I cried day and night about these thoughts because they just persisted like no other. I was going insane. I kept searching it up and worrying because I never had this thought before and it suddenly occurred. I wrote down reasons why I like him and love him ( that I can’t really explain because I feel as if it’s more ) and it all was so confusing because my thoughts didn’t correlate with what I felt?! I started to see this one dude I was attracted to before I got with my boyfriend and I started to become anxious of him. I started to have bad anxiety wondering if I didn’t love my boyfriend because I was attracted to him and I started to compare them and obsess over this! I started to check if I had any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I felt nothIng. Nothing at all. I started to check with every boy I saw. I started to develop intrusive thoughts and think about these dudes even though I didn’t want to and they didn’t entice me. I felt nothing. When I thought of these other dudes I had a headache, brain fog and etc but when I just thought about my boyfriend my head was clear I was calm and just happy. My boyfriend makes me happy, safe and secure I want him to feel the same way and I feel like *** to even have these thoughts about these other men. These thoughts just persist and come out of nowhere like a car is ramming into me. They won’t stop coming and I keep obsessing over if I like these men or not, I check if I have a damn groinal response everytime. I cried because it was like I can’t be happy and I really want this to work with my boyfriend I do. And I feel as if I get into another relationship ( which I do not want to do! ) it’ll be the same result! It scares me. I sometimes finding myself pushing my boyfriend away because of these thoughts and fear of abandonment but I find myself hanging on because I’m like wtf am I doing? In my head this all is trivial and so stupid. When I am with him I rarely feel like this. But sometimes when we engage in sexual activities I sometimes have an Intrusive thought— these thoughts make me physically sick.

I do not wish to be with these men, I do not wish to be touched by these men, they don’t excite me like my boyfriend do. They don’t make me feel the way he does. I want to make him feel good like he is on top of the world. I don’t want to make my boyfriend sad and he told me it was worrying I think this way and it made me sad. When my boyfriend feels sad I feel his sadness, it makes me cry. I hate seeing him sad I want him to be happy. I want to hug him when he doesn’t feel well and kiss him. Hold him and make sure he knows I love him.

I also cannot be diagnosed for any mental illnesses but I am looking to others and they’re saying it could be a type of ocd.

thank you for reading this rant haha <3