I just want this all to stop
I'm horrible for making this and even more horrible for posting it. I never come on here unless things have gotten bad again. I view this as another personal failure. I'm driving everyone away. All my friends and family have slowly begun to distance themselves. All I can think about is how much I've messed up. I'm too argumentative. I don't bring anything to the table. I have no redeeming qualities. I'm jealous. I'm petty. I overstress and I nitpick. I can see it ruining my relationships but I don't know how to stop it. I decided a few years back that I would never put my family through the horrors of having a kid kill himself. Instead, I picked how I'd like to die. I would like to be shot or stabbed or something trying to protect someone. At least that way I could be remembered fondly. I pray for my bullet to come soon almost every night when my thoughts attack me again. I'm too poor for any sort of help. I just tried to talk to my best friend. Somehow I wound up pissing him off with how much I genuinely just hate myself and he went to bed. I've been crying for a bit but I made sure to do it softly so I wouldn't wake him. He doesn't need this. No one needs this. I don't need this. If I died right now I don't think anyone but my parents would cry. I know thats not true but it's so true it hurts right now. I know I'm dumb but I also know everyone says I'm smart. Why am I like this? Why on earth am I this way? All I want is someone, anyone, to love me. To hug me when I'm sad or give a damn when I'm upset. Someone who sees me and doesn't immediately look for better options. I've tried so many times to find that. I don't think I can. I tell myself I can't so much it hurts and all I want is my bullet. Why am I writing this? This is so selfish of me it isn't even funny and I'm so sorry. I wish I was normal or something but I'm just some sad mess. Please don't let this upset you. I promise I'll fix myself soon again. I just wish I found some way to put the pieces back together so they stop falling apart later. It's so tiring to keep putting them together. Sometimes I just want to quit. I just want my bullet right now. Please for the love of God let it come soon before I hurt anyone else with the way I am. They all deserve so much better than me.
@Rundus1 Hi there, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I used to feel similarly to Tumblr, like the only times when I write there is when I'm overwhelmed with emotions and sadness, but I just started to embrace it now, like at least I have that platform for me to vent without feeling judged.
I kinda understand what you mean, I feel like I pushed everyone away and messed up a lot, and on bad days, all those bad memories come back to haunt me at once. Every thing you typed really hit me, because I've felt most of these feelings before.
You're right, no one needs this, no one deserves to feel like this. I just want to let you know that you're not alone, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. *hugs* And please don't think this is selfish of you. Honestly, what I feel right now, is that sometimes it's okay to be a bit selfish, sometimes we do need to put ourselves first. We can't keep setting ourselves on fire to keep others warm.
"Love whatever is left of yourself and find it in you to start all over again" Stay strong! I'm here whenever you need a listening ear! *hugs again* 💗
@KSWQueen Thank you. I know things are getting better and I just need to put myself first occasionally, but it's still nice to have someone else acknowledge it. A number of things I worry about are just plain stupid. If my words really touched you, I'm sorry. I wish no one ever had to feel that way ever. I like the thing about setting ourselves on fire. That's a good way to put it. I have a friend with depression. When he gets really upset sometimes I can't get him to take care of himself. Since he's my roommate I started trying to find a way through to him. So far the only way I know works 100% is to threaten him with some sort of threat against myself if he doesn't take care of himself. Something like "if you won't eat today, neither will I." or "If you won't go to class, not only will I not go, but I'll skip my meds for the day and see how that plays out." It's probably my least healthy habit, but it gets him to take care of himself.
To me, that's worth so much more than any consequences I threaten. I think that's probably where I need to start reevaluating things.
@Rundus1 Yes, I understand what you mean. For me, I have days where I want people to check up on me, but other days I just feel like being alone. And no worries, I've kinda embraced it now and realized it's made me a much more empathetic and understanding person. What I love is that it's amazing that you're still helping your friend despite going through your own problems, it's really admirable, because many times this is when people leave because they can't handle it. However, I'm not really sure how to advise sacrificing yourself this way to help your friend, I really wish I did know what to say, but I hope you'll be able to find another way to help him out, one way that would not, in a way, jeopardize yourself:)
@Rundus1 sorry to hear youre going through all of this, but also, always remember that youre not alone :)
