I

@Evolutiontakesalifetime

I can't say that I completely understand your situation considering we're different but yes, I do understand somewhat. I also have issues with anxiety, as it is something that controls my everyday life. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult childhood. What happens when you're a kid really shapes you into your older self and I'm sure that had a strong impact on you but I know you can overcome things. I know you can. Yes it's hard. Yes it takes time. Alas, yes, it sucks terribly but you can do it!

About the family laughing at you thing, I personally do not think you overracted. If I was in your shoes I would've reacted the same. You have to think though, they probably took what you said as a joke and didn't know any better. I don't neccisarily think that makes it okay for them to say what they did about you being "childish" but hey, family is just crazy sometimes. Don't project anger at them. It's probably a misunderstanding.

I hope all goes and is well. Hope this helped even if slightly.

Hello there stranger,

I don't know you but it seems like you have been hurting a lot and for a long time. I'm not a professional nor anyone in a place that can give you advice, in fact I battle with anxiety my self and I'm in one of my peak moments. I wanted to tell you that there isn't anything wrong with you or how you're feeling. Each of us have different package that affects us in certain ways. We aren't perfect. I believe you have a lot of things to be happy about like your good job and loving family but unable to because of your inner struggles and that is precisely what I understand the most. I don't know the solution for that honestly I'm looking for it. All I can say is that I understand the darkness you may feel. Reach out for help either professional or trusted friends, its okay, in fact its brave to do so.

At the end I sincerely wish you all the best

@Jksabeh7

Thank you both for your kind replies. I find myself going through the motions of life, even through what are supposed to be happy things, but often my sadness overwhelms the happiness. I also have had chronic pain since I was 16,which is yet another complicating factor. It's hard to not just feel like a victim, although I know intellectual that having a victim mentality is unhealthy and very unattractive to a spouse. I chased material things for a long time to make myself feel better and overspend on things I don't really need like bigger TVs and an overly expensive stereo and so on. Now I've realized that debt and worrying about paying bills causes more anxiety than buying things soothes, I want to change, but I need to, downsize my house and reduce expenses. That's a big source of stress and anxiety on top of everything else. And it's something that I did to myself. This is why some days, it's so hard to get out of bed. It can be so overwhelming. Abusive boss, overburdened with debt, long term anxiety. I need a do-over in so many areas. I'm sorry that others are suffering too, but maybe it's more common then I thought. It just stinks to feel this way.

@Evolutiontakesalifetime

Our anxieties can come from many things it takes different forms and coping with it does too. Each person has a way to deal with it. Don't blame yourself for trying to make yourself feel better, its only natural (even if it may seem like a bad decision) but you did what you did to the best of your judgement at the moment. But then slowly you'll be able to make better judgements with time. As for your financial situation, that alone could be a cause of anxiety for many and its so normal in this time and age. Maybe you can find some relief in some activities or hobbies that you enjoy. Could be just going to the movies or reading or hunting (only legal :P) anything that you might think could be intereating for you and I think a lot of enjoyment and happiness can and also confidence come from that.

As for the victim mentality, don't punish yourself for your flaws. Its okay to be flawed. But you are already one step ahead and you recognize it! Awesome! Next step is to work through it!

@Evolutiontakesalifetime sound a bit like myself in parts. Just too much in your headspace of netativity. Again it seems your slightly misunderstood, but think of it when you flip it round and you misunderstand them. Its easily done and sometimes the slightest conversation is easily over analysed or simply projected wrongly. Usually i would over analyse and not say a word, when if youre the leader your looked to for jnspiration, your presentes as a person your not and they simply follow and interpret something youre not. Easiest solution is to laugh it off, try not to act straight away.

@Evolutiontakesalifetime

Hello and welcome!

This really struck me:

It feels like I spend all of my time either working or helping everything with their stuff, and nobody really helps me. I don't really have any self-nurturing - I've always just tried to make everyone else happy.

I so completely understand this. I have always been a "listener." People always talk to me about their problems. When my son comes home, if he's had a bad day, he brings it home to me. (And I don't want him to stop talking to me, of course!) And then my husband will come home and unload all the bad things of his day. And I listen. And some friends will also do more talking.

And with everyone dumping their baggage on you, you just eventually can't hold it all. And you shouldn't. And you need to unload it - but where? You're trying to be a good person, and helpful and caring - but you only have so much to give before you're tapped out. You need to unload. I've struggled with this for at least 30 years (based on my memories).

I've had to work hard to change a couple of misperceptions I've had. The first is "I don't have anyone to talk to." I do. And I've been reaching out more to people. It's hard, because part of me doesn't want to open up. After all, I'm the strong one, right? I'm the one others turn to. I can't show them that I'm weak. But I have found a wonderful friend to talk to, and having 7Cups has really been great to "talk" and get out some things.

The second is "I don't have time to take care of me." This one has been harder for me to get over. Especially as a mom. "I have to go to the school, make the lunches, clean the house, run errands, pay bills, do this and do that. I don't have time for myself. Everyone else comes first." UGH. I work hard to treat myself now. I really start with small things. I'm not jetting off to a weekend spa or anything exciting like that. (But wow - that would be great if I could ever get the courage to do something fun like that!) It starts with little things. Maybe I take an hour to go to my favorite store and just walk around. Maybe I treat myself to lunch. Little things that make me tell myself "you are worthy of care."

Anyway, I'm glad you've found 7Cups. It's a great start on the path for you to start loving and caring for yourself more - and even finding the strength to put yourself first once in a while.

@thoughtfulmomma

Exactly! And what's really hard and strange is that I'm a guy, but not a typical one. I'm the emotional one and told often that I'm too emotional, whatever that means. I've always been the nurturer, which is also why I'm so close to my kids, which I know is great, but also why I don't give myself enough time. I ask for affection from my spouse but don't get what I need. I give everyone advice and emotional support and computer help and writing help and career help and emotional support and so on. But then I complain about the stress and chronic pain and I'm just not man enough. It seems very gender unfair that I can't be a man and be a nurturer and emotional and all of that and still be attractive. I help with cooking and cleaning and so tons of other things. There are plenty of guy things that I like to do as well, which my son and I do, and which are stereotypically manly, so it's not like I'm depriving anyone of male traits - although now I seem defensive! Ugh. I do need my own hobby. I was on a neighborhood sports team, but it broke up - and was tough Bc of a chronic injury. So I need a new constructive (and not expensive) hobby. I just don't know where to start. Part of my issue is that I don't like to hang with judgmental guys and most men communicate by putting each other down. That just doesn't work well for me. The 'poker' groups sit around and bash each other and think it's funny or are too serious; the gaming group will make fun of you if you don't know every rule, etc. Men think women are complicated, but men sometimes think insulting each other is communication. I'm just not in a place that I can handle that well, and honestly, it's not fun for me to sit around and put each other down and think that's fun. And that's why I feel isolated. It's hard to find a group of guys that doesn't do that. It's like I'm a 100% hetero guy who would have a better time hanging out with women Bc they understand emotions. I know that makes me sound crazy, but that's how I feel. What do I do? I'm so lucky that I stumbled upon this site. Please keep responding!