Help! I can't deal with my husband's anxiety anymore!
My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. He's always been a little bit of a worrywart but it has gotten completely out of hand now.
He worries about all kinds of things. He's worried about our children's weight. (BTW - this has been going on for years!) He's worried about the car breaking down when I drive it, and he's worried about money so he won't do maintenance on it. We've had family members that have been accused of sexual misconduct, so now he is worried about being falsely accused of the same, and that evidence will be planted to frame him for something. Every time we come home, he drives around the block so he can make sure nobody has been in the house.
We are getting ready to move, and we found mildew or mold in the basement. (We treated it right after we found it.) The house had to have an occupancy inspection, and it passed inspection. Nevertheless, he was concerned that the house is going to rot and come down while we are in it. He made such a big deal of it that I tried to figure out how to buy ourselves out of the lease just to shut him up. This was Monday and he had been going on about the situation for 4 days at that point. It was making me sick to my stomach because of the big deal he was making out of it. He only stopped after talking with his dad, who worked in residential construction and reassured him that there were certain indicators he needed to be concerned about that were not present.
Yesterday, he asked if I would be working Saturday because he needs help with preparing to move. Although we are scheduled to work overtime (I work in a factory), I talked to my lead and told her I would not be coming in. She has no problem with that. She knows that a lot of people are going to call in anyway because we work second shift and it's Halloween. When I told my husband the situation, he said that he was "not comfortable" with me taking off. Long story short, he's afraid I will get fired, even though I have a good attendance record and am well-liked at work. (I know that the term "not comfortable" is a long way from being afraid, but you would have to know the whole conversation to see that he meant that he was afraid.)
I'm not even going to go into how he reacts to politics.
When he is upset or depressed, he gets in a mood that affects the entire house. I am a completely different person when he is around. I am happy and in a good mood when I am at work, whereas when I am home, I am generally stressed. Our younger daughter (age 18) has anxiety, and I think it is in part because of the environment she has grown up with.
Short of dragging him to a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist, which will make things worse because it will add even more tension, I don't know what to do. I've tried reasoning with him, I've tried ignoring the problems, I 've tried acknowledging his feelings and moving on, etc.
I really feel like there is nothing I can do at this point. He thinks this is okay, and anyone sane would see it the same way. He's had a bad experience with therapists before, so he's not going to talk to anyone about these issues. He's not going to take medication for it.
The only positive light is that right now we are going to informal family counseling sessions to help my younger daughter. We are meeting with someone from our church that has a degree in psychology. However, I have a hard enough time talking to others, and I am certain that if I bring it up, he will be upset with me.
If you got this far, thank you for reading this.
@CautiousKitten4644 alright i mean im only 17,ill be 18 on the 11th though, but im still going to try and help. Tbh the way i see it is you just tell him what you said right here, that you cant take it anymore and that if he keeps being this way then you guys will have to move on from eachother. I know its harsh but if you've tried everything else than i see this as the only option left🤷‍♂️ Being a guy myself i've learned that being if a girl doesnt sugar coat anything and just tells me how they 100% feel about something then it makes me really think about what im doing... hopes this helps in some way
@turtellord
I appreciate your perspective. Honestly, we have had major fights about this, and have been on the verge of divorce more than once. I can't handle the situation anymore, but I also can't leave him.
Hey there @CautiousKitten4644 ~ First off, thank you for sharing above. Your situation sounds extremely difficult and exhausting and I applaud you and your attempts to try to manage your husband's anxiety. Unfortunately, the only person who can truly manage it is him. I know personally how difficult and contagious anxiety / negativity can be within families. My whole family has anxiety but the difference between my mom, me, and my sister versus my dad is that we all have taken steps (therapy, meditation, healthy eating, exercise, journaling, sometimes medication) to get our anxiety to a place where it only really pops up during especially challenging times. My dad on the other hand refuses to go to therapy or really seek any self-awareness on his own challenges with anxiety / depression and it has greatly effected my mom. She also considered divorce many, many times but ended up choosing to stay with him ( but this is her unique decision based on her unique situation, yours is your own and you have to make your own decisions ). She has been able to handle him by focusing on herself and her own happiness and realizing what she can and cannot control. She cannot control his anxiety or negative reactions, but she CAN chose how she reacts to them. At the end the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness and cannot fix anyone but ourselves. I think your decision to get family conseling is very wise. The first step in recovery is awareness. I hope things get better, but know that you have a choice in everything you do. Have a beautiful weekend :)
Hey @CautiousKitten4644 !
It sounds like your husband is worried about most actions and considers the possibility of the most drastic interpretation for an event, or the most impactful outcome for an event, and he begins exploring how likely it is-sometimes ruling it out after he is reassured to a great degree (the instance with the mold) and sometimes, holding onto it as he doesn't feel like conclusively ruling it out.
I can see why that would considerably affect you-especially as you're listening to or affected by his actions that indicate fret, and as a result- you find what you may consider a distant and sometimes, worst-case possibility, be presented to you, as the actual situation.
The magnification of an issue could certainly create a high-stress environment where him worrying about something that doesn't seem to be a problem to you, affects your well-being, and this is prolonged as you do not know how you could convince him that he needn't really worry about the issue!
I'm truly sorry you find yourself as stressed out as you do, it's certainly difficult to cope with a tense atmosphere and I would imagine that his refusal to see a therapist or take medicine, makes you feel like you've hit a dead end on action you can take to make it better.
I'm glad to hear you've been going for family counselling sessions-and that it seems to be of assistance to you
I do see your concern that he may be annoyed with you for mentioning that he worries a lot, to the counsellor. If you feel comfortable sharing, what do you usually do when you find yourself stressed, around him?
Also, towards the beginning, you mentioned that, "He's always been a little bit of a worrywart but it has gotten completely out of hand now.". Do you have any idea of what may have caused him to worry a lot more over the years?
Thank you for writing on here, I hope it helped a tiny bit to be able to express that
Take care, and looking forward to hearing from you!
@bouncySalamander26
He's been out of work due to disability for about 10 years now. Now that I think about it, I don't know if things are worse, or if they seem that way because I now work outside the home and get to see what "normal" looks like again. (I have been working full time for about 3 years.)
He does see "worse-case scenerios" all the time, and he has fears that aren't even logical. He continues to have some of these fears even when he gets an explanation that those particular things are impossible.
As far as my reaction to his stress goes - it varies. Sometimes I can just shake it off and move on. Often I spend more time on the internet. This week was the first time it started making me sick to my stomach, but I think the heart issues I had a few years ago (and starting having again the past few months) are also related to what I have been dealing with.
Hello @CautiousKitten4644 !
Ah-a part of you feels like it’s always been this way, and the reason why it feels so prominent now is that you have a reference frame- for what "normalcy" feels like? That makes sense!
I understand that it might be frustrating to be in a place where a plausible explanation you give/he receives, for the event you feel he is catastrophizing, seems to bounce off the wall, almost like he is impervious to it, andyou don’t know of anything that you can say to ground the situation, in a way. How does he react when he receives an explanation that makes the scenario he is considering seem impossible? Does he dismiss the explanation or?
It sounds like you cope with the stress he causes by distracting yourself? But off late, the distractions haven't been very useful :( I'm sorry to hear of your underlying heart issues
-Do you plan on consulting a doctor on whether it may be related to how you've been feeling?
@CautiousKitten4644
Hello
I'm really sorry to hear from you that there are no more options. The easiest way is to quit, to disband the family and this is the wrongest thing. I remember my teenager years, oh God, that was such a cruel period, but it needs just to be passed. Your daughter, she also will go through this and she'll be alright. About your husband - There is nothing bad into worry, and to monitor the weight of your children, to eat healthy foods and make sport. About other his thoughts, ok, he is just stupid, we all are a little bit strange and stupid. In 20 years of coop life, I think you know him better than he himself did. About you, well, take a couple of a deep breath and go throughout this period with smile . And one more thing. Have you ever think to make a baby. He will give you a lot, a lot of happiness and new strength to move on. Take care of yourself and your family!
You've gotten some good feedback. Does anyone outside your immediate family, and his dad who i think you said is in construction, know about his anxiety escalating? Sometimes for guys it's important to keep up a good front in public, but then let all the anxiety and worry leak out when at home.
I'm sorry to say if he refuses therapy or medication, that is his choice, but he should be aware that his anxiety is affecting you and your child(ren). How could it not? If you live with him, it's going to spill over and make everyone around him miserable because he's homerrhaging so much fear, worry, anxiety and panic and catastrophe all the time. It's got to be exhausting for you all.
I'm old enough to remember the advice columnists in the newspapers, Dear Abby and Ann Landers, and they always said if your spouse or partner is abusive, neurotic, manipulative, a cheater, a liar, etc. then go into counseling together, and if s/he won't do that, then go alone. You, absolutely, deserve to be able to talk to a professional and explore the situation with a neutral, unbiased person.
I hope your visit with the church person goes well. I'm wishing you the best of success with coping with his behavior and that eventually he gets a handle on it.
