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Over two years ago I got married to the most amazing man, my best friend. The actual wedding day ended up being beautiful, but what was supposed to be a celebration with 35 people turned into just 2: my parents. Why this happened is an insanely long story that is deeply complicated and one that I truly still am trying to understand fully, but I will try my best to sum it up...
My husband and I had been dating and living together for 2 years but had been reluctant to marry just because we weren't religious and are both somewhat introverted. The whole idea of walking down the aisle and saying my vows aloud to others definitely was something that stoked my social anxiety but we did finally agree that it was what we wanted. When I told my mother-in-law she was overwhelmed with joy and tears. All of family seemed so happy for us and all was well.
Then, suddenly my idea of a small, intimate wedding vanished. I remember just trying to go with everything because I wanted everyone to just be happy but when I suddenly had a horse and carriage, people flying in that I'd never even heard of let alone met, a bridal shower full of strangers, and a church wedding when I didn't have any religious views... the whole thing felt completely false. Also, before this all happened, my mom became estranged from her sister who was deeply toxic and verbally abusive to her. And my mom had also opened up to me that she had been sexually molested by her brother when she was a child (no one but I knew about this). These factors were all complicated in their own right, but long story short, I ultimately decided I did not want to invite the aunt my mom wasn't talking to, my alcoholic uncle who molested her, and I also decided I didn't want a horse and carriage and a bridal shower of strangers. Especially as I would be the one paying for all of it... these actions caused the rest of my mom's family and my grandmother to boycot my wedding entirely. If I didn't invite my uncle/aunt, then no one was coming, all or none.
Meanwhile, my mother-in-law, found a journal entry my husband wrote a year before we met saying his ex-girlfriend was "the love of his life." Therefore she called him a couple weeks before our wedding to make sure he wasn't making a mistake and getting pressured into a wedding he didn't want. Having gone to numerous Thanksgivings, Christmases, and brithdays and truly having viewed myself as a welcomed part of my husband's family... this was extremely hurtful to me. Despite my husband reassuring her, she continued to bring up concerns of our families social economical differences, the fact that he didn't seem "happy," and then started communicating and siding with my mom's family (whom she still to this day is friends with).
A few days before the wedding, I did my best to smooth everything over despite the intense pain I was feeling... I asked her if she could 100% support the marriage and she said she could not. I said could she 100% support her son's decision and she would not answer. She just said she loved us as individuals but that she felt we were not right for each other. I felt I had no choice but to disinvite her and everyone from the wedding. I personally could not walk down the aisle passing people who didn't want me or thought that the marriage was destined to end in divorce. Then just a day or two before the wedding, my brother-in-law also tried to convince my husband to seriously rethink marrying me. I told him to leave and that this was not his business but he was drunk and would not leave, we got into a fight and he eventually left and later apologized. And then, to top it all off, his mom left him a voicemail that said there was something "mentally not right with me" and that he needed to "seriously reconsider" the marriage and that she was "deeply concerned for him." My husband just couldn't understand any of it and we both became so overwhelmed with pain that at times we even turned on each other.
Finally, our wedding day came and it was beautiful and the best decision I've ever made.
But since these events, I started developing severe anixety and panic disorder. I developed a lot list of physical symptoms associated with my anxiety (i.e. numbed face, feeling light-headed like I was going to faint, chest pain like my heart was being squeezed suddenly... and much, much more). Many doctor's appointments, blood work, therapy sessions later I've come to recognize this is my body's response to the trauma of this massive betrayal and abandonment.
Last night was the first time I had actually talked to my mother-in-law about everything that had happened. We've had a cordial, somewhat superficial relationship since the wedding because I forced myself to apologize for my husband's sake and also because she said that I would have to apologize to be allowed back in the family... but the apology wasn't real and all the interactions we've had since then have been also not real and it's getting harder and harder to muster the energy to do it. So I reached out and we talked and she explained her side of the story and why her own past trauma led her to spiral and worry and come to false assumptions. It was extremely healing to hear and I hope will help me truly move through this traumatic experience.
My take away is this... you do not know what anyone is thinking or what their past, present and future are. The stories we all hold based on assumptions (usually false) are one of the most damaging things in this world. If you can develop a strong self-awareness to identify these "stories" and question them, reach out, start a dialouge, you can potentially let them go.
These last two years, I've struggled deeply with the fact that all those people "abandoned" me and didn't trust in my decisions as a woman. Everyone made my wedding about them, no one was truly able to just smile and be happy for me for one day. But, I know I have been guilty of this in the past as well. Knowing first-hand the long-lasting damage it has caused, I am committed to not doing what was done to me to others. I want to forgive, I want to be compassionate to myself and others, I want to really listen, and I want to not let my ego get in the way.
Today, I am calling my grandmother who I haven't spoken to since before the wedding.
Wish me luck & would love to hear anything that came up for you while reading this.