Getting Married
Ok, so this is a complicated situation. I have GAD as well as some other diagnoses (probably BPD and depression) and my fiance has bipolar and debilitating ADHD. We got engaged a few months ago and everything has fallen apart since then. First, he lost his job. Then I was hospitalized for suicide ideation. I entered intensive outpatient treatment for a month and just finished a few days ago. In that time, because of his job loss, my fiance lost his insurance and could not get his medication. This led to less emotional regulation, specifically increased anger which triggers my trauma. Basically, everything is a mess. This is leading me to question whether or not I want to get married to him. Yes, the wedding is scary, but it's the marriage itself that is scaring me. I'm young, 21, and don't have many married friends and none of them have mental health issues, so I can't talk it out with any of them.
Here are the facts:
- I love him. I love him because he is kind to me, supportive, passionate, funny, and loyal. There is no question I love him.
- His anger scares me. The situation right now is sending me into almost daily panic attacks or near panic attacks. They may be minor and subside quickly, but hyperventilation isn't fun. I know based on past behavior that this isn't the norm, but I am still afraid a great deal.
- He is so supportive of me. He held my hand when I was lying alone in an ER bed with nothing of my own on my body but my nose rings. He advocated for me when the professionals weren't treating me well. He let me choose the wedding venue partially based on the fact that they seemed like the least likely venue to perpetuate my anxiety. He has talked me through my fears about getting married.
-He's going on disability for his ADHD. This is going to cause massive financial issues for a period of time. My anxiety has been detrimental to me holding a job in the past, so my contribution, as I am also in school, is going to be minimal.
- I want to be with him, I'm just concerned about the logistics. Him going on disability is going to be difficult. We're renting from his ex-wife who has unrealistic expectations of monetary things like who pays for repairs. I'm in school and I don't know when I'm going to be out of school and able to work full-time.
-His ADHD is difficult to deal with. He has major difficulty with social cues, and I have anxiety in social situations. This can be hilarious and also extremely frustrating. He's working on it and I have seen real progress, but I'm not sure I want to deal with it forever.
- My gut has an alarm going off when I start questioning. The problem is that most of the time I question is when I'm already in a bad place (I haven't been in a good place for a while now), so I don't know how to trust that. My logic is telling me that the good outweighs the bad, but my gut keeps nagging me that I'm making the wrong decision. I left him once before (for a week) and it was agony and I realized immediately it was the wrong decision, so I have that at the back of my mind, too.
I don't know what to do. I know what I WANT to do, but I'm not sure what's BEST to do. HELP!
It is wonderful to hear that your fiancé is so supportive and advocates for your well-being among healthcare professionals. It also seems as if you both are very empathetic towards each other's struggles. However, as many good qualities as there are in your relationship, I find myself hesitant when I consider what your future together could be like. Sometimes people can be too similar in the wrong ways and it can inordinately stress both the relationship and the psychological/physical health of the people in the relationship. What is it that you dream for your future as an individual? What do you want out of life? People will tell you that love is enough to get you through the hard times, or that all you need is love, but this is not true. When I was younger, I fell in love with my best friend. I think we would have made a good couple; he was intelligent, ambitious, honest, and kind, and we could talk about anything and everything. But, since I've known him at five years old, his calling was to be a soldier in the military, and my calling, since I was a teenager, was to become a psychologist. I would need to be in university for 10 years, and he would need to be free to move at a moment's notice to whichever basecamp the military decided to send him. I have chronic health issues that mean I need help everyday with physical activities; I need someone who can be with me, and he needs someone who could take care of him and the home – packing and moving every few months, and being okay with the fact that she couldn't have a career or lay down roots. In an alternate reality, if we had ended up together, one of us would have had to give up his/her dreams. We would have had friendship and love, but would have also held each other back from achieving our full potential.
I share this with you so that you might take a broader perspective when considering what your future could be like if you marry this man. The pros might outweigh the cons in the moment, but what about in the future, when you consider your career, finances, home ownership, starting a family, etc.? Im not sure what your calling is, or what it is you dream for your future. If you dream is simply to love and be loved, then maybe you two might find a way to make this relationship work. However, chronic stress related to health, finances, home insecurity, etc., might eventually erode your quality of life and ability to love this man way you want to – the way you both deserve. And since your weaknesses are so similar, you might end up hindering each other in life more than you can support one another.
Eventually, I met and married a man whose strengths and weaknesses complimented my own. He had seasonal depression and anger/anxiety issues, but hes physically strong and healthy. I am emotionally strong and resilient, but my body is generally weak. He takes care of me physically, and I take care of him emotionally. Separately, one or both of us would likely be on income assistance, but together we are able to compensate for what the other lacks. We are stronger together, and over time, his depression/anger/anxiety has diminished significantly. Additionally, he is a carpenter and a technology specialist – his skills are transferable, so he can work anywhere, which means he can happily and readily follow wherever my schooling takes me. When we first got married, I used to dream about my childhood best friend and I was sad at what might have been had I married that other man. But over time, the life Ive built with my husband has been richer and fuller than anything I could have imagined. If I had only considered love at the time, I would not have been able to go to graduate school or travel the world for research/learning. I am the one with the dreams and the plan; my husband is the one with the physical ability to make it happen. My husband has also been able to do and see more than he ever would have on his own, because, otherwise, his depression sapped his motivation and ability to dream. This is why I emphasize how important it is that your weaknesses and strengths compliment the relationship without exasperating the daily challenges you each individually face.
You might be destined for a very different story, and maybe your fiancé is the right man for you. But if not, its okay to walk away. In the long-run, walking away might be the best decision for the both of you.
