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paperthinhymn
258 M Embraced 2
PathStep 18 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes28 Current upvotes28 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2017 Member sinceAugust 19, 2015
Recent forum posts
Getting Married
Depression Support / by paperthinhymn
Last post
 July 25th, 2016
...See more So I'm engaged and depressed. This causes me to completely question whether or not I'm making the right decision. I love my fiance very much, but depression is choking me and making me hate him and everyone and not trust my decision to marry him. I don't know what to do. My mom has suggested postponing the wedding, but we already have a lot of money invested in the venue. The wedding is a year away, so it's hard to put the kabosh on something that I'll probably be ok with when it comes time for it. But I just feel like I'm swimming in quicksand and I can't make it more than a few days without sobbing.
Getting Married
Anxiety Support / by paperthinhymn
Last post
 May 4th, 2016
...See more Ok, so this is a complicated situation. I have GAD as well as some other diagnoses (probably BPD and depression) and my fiance has bipolar and debilitating ADHD. We got engaged a few months ago and everything has fallen apart since then. First, he lost his job. Then I was hospitalized for suicide ideation. I entered intensive outpatient treatment for a month and just finished a few days ago. In that time, because of his job loss, my fiance lost his insurance and could not get his medication. This led to less emotional regulation, specifically increased anger which triggers my trauma. Basically, everything is a mess. This is leading me to question whether or not I want to get married to him. Yes, the wedding is scary, but it's the marriage itself that is scaring me. I'm young, 21, and don't have many married friends and none of them have mental health issues, so I can't talk it out with any of them. Here are the facts: - I love him. I love him because he is kind to me, supportive, passionate, funny, and loyal. There is no question I love him. - His anger scares me. The situation right now is sending me into almost daily panic attacks or near panic attacks. They may be minor and subside quickly, but hyperventilation isn't fun. I know based on past behavior that this isn't the norm, but I am still afraid a great deal. - He is so supportive of me. He held my hand when I was lying alone in an ER bed with nothing of my own on my body but my nose rings. He advocated for me when the professionals weren't treating me well. He let me choose the wedding venue partially based on the fact that they seemed like the least likely venue to perpetuate my anxiety. He has talked me through my fears about getting married. -He's going on disability for his ADHD. This is going to cause massive financial issues for a period of time. My anxiety has been detrimental to me holding a job in the past, so my contribution, as I am also in school, is going to be minimal. - I want to be with him, I'm just concerned about the logistics. Him going on disability is going to be difficult. We're renting from his ex-wife who has unrealistic expectations of monetary things like who pays for repairs. I'm in school and I don't know when I'm going to be out of school and able to work full-time. -His ADHD is difficult to deal with. He has major difficulty with social cues, and I have anxiety in social situations. This can be hilarious and also extremely frustrating. He's working on it and I have seen real progress, but I'm not sure I want to deal with it forever. - My gut has an alarm going off when I start questioning. The problem is that most of the time I question is when I'm already in a bad place (I haven't been in a good place for a while now), so I don't know how to trust that. My logic is telling me that the good outweighs the bad, but my gut keeps nagging me that I'm making the wrong decision. I left him once before (for a week) and it was agony and I realized immediately it was the wrong decision, so I have that at the back of my mind, too. I don't know what to do. I know what I WANT to do, but I'm not sure what's BEST to do. HELP!
Got out of the psych unit yesterday
Depression Support / by paperthinhymn
Last post
 March 28th, 2016
...See more My fiance, after my giving him full permission to make the call if it became dangerous to leave me alone, took me to the ER last Sunday evening. This was after a day of me lying in bed, crying, going catatonic with him prying my eyes open, and begging him not to take me. I was stripped of all belongings except my two nose rings, mostly because they were hard to take out and would have been broken if they tried. On my end, it was the last bit of humanity I got to hold on to. I sat in the ER for hours, my fiance being ripped from me by a social worker at 10 PM so I could "rest." She sent me by ambulance to an acute inpatient unit. I didn't fight her. Made jokes with the EMT's because why not? Bargained with the staff at the unit for my nose rings and was told I got to keep them as long as I didn't try to harm myself. I told them I'd rather be dead with them than alive without them, thus they didn't have to worry about me jeopardizing myself in that way. I spent 4 days there. The food was awful. The staff had a few shining stars but in general cared very little for my wellbeing. They see new versions of me every week. Suicidal college student getting stressed out by school. I still barely understand what the standard was to get me out. Was it that I SEEMED sane enough? That I told them I no longer felt suicidal? The sheets were starchy and the shampoo/conditioner/body wash felt like pure chemical goo. They messed with my meds. All they really did was double my anti-depressant and put me back on a medication that had worked in the past but I had trouble paying for (got my dad to start paying for it). The best part was the other patients. I met the nicest guy who had happend to joined the Aryan Nation while in prison (apparently as a survival tactic) and a lady who had been addicted to meth. They ended up with the hots for each other. I met a friend of my BFF's ex (small world, apparently). And a lady who could not walk without shaking. I miss them. But now I'm back on my fiance's couch. I got drunk as soon as I left yesterday. Half pitcher margarita all to myself. And I don't know what to do with myself. I have a Richter scale of how bad I feel. I was at a 9.5 Sunday night. And I got down to a 1 or 2 while in the hospital. But now I'm back up to a 7.5 and I'm afraid to tell anyone that. I want to lie in bed all day and watch Grey's Anatomy and eat chocolate. I hopefully start a partial hospitalization program on Tuesday, but in the meantime I'm holding myself together with tape and string crisscrossing my ribcage. How do I make it to Tuesday? How do I go home to see my mom this weekend and spend time alone with her? She blames me, I know it. Somewhere inside she blames me. I don't know how to recover from my inpatient "recovery."
White-Knuckling It
Depression Support / by paperthinhymn
Last post
 March 2nd, 2016
...See more I feel like I'm just white-knuckling life right now. I have midterms next week and I've been so depressed this entire semester that I have no idea how I'm going to survive. I have a 3.8 overall, so I have enourmous pressure to keep that up. Every part of my body is sore and my heart is literally tired. I just want to feel... not like a sloth.
BDSM
Relationship Stress / by paperthinhymn
Last post
 April 7th, 2016
...See more apparently this hasn't been added to the "unconventional relationship" list. so i'll just go ahead and star. i'm in a BDSM relationship, D/s to be specific. i've actually found it very helpful for my anxiety and depression. i not only have someone to talk to, i also have real life motivation to take my pills and look for a therapist and go to a support group for my issues. in most ways, i've done better at life since i got in the relationship. anyone else have a similar story?
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