Expressing My Thoughts When I'm Bad at Words

|| English is my first language and my mind language at that, but for some reason, I can't express myself well.

...

I don't normally talk about my issues because it is seen as a discomfort towards the people around me. Not that they're unkind, but I really do feel that I shouldn't be talking about my struggles with them. For that reason, I came here - hoping that some random people online could lend an ear and listen to what I have to say.

But... suddenly I'm out of words? The image is clear in my mind, but I can't explain it to others accurately- actually, not even close to it. Surely I have to learn up more vocabulary or something (gosh it's never-ending, huh) but even if I become a word bank, will those words really help describe my emotions and struggles?

I'm more of a left-brainer, but I do art as a hobby. During my earlier days of journaling and drawing, I wanted them to look pretty, neat, and close to perfect. Last month, however, I got into a slump. A dark somethin' started sucking me in, and it was suffocating. I kept on sweating for many days, even when the weather was not so warm. I thought "What did I want to do with journaling and art? Did I really just pick these up just for fun? What really made me start these?"

I decided to let go of all expectations and listened to myself. Journaling is kinda like expressing your thoughts, right? It's to document your life and surroundings? I took it that way. Now even though I don't journal as often as before, when I really do feel like it, I start making the spread - and finishing it right away. In a way, I'm using pictures as "reference" for my emotions, colors to guide my eyes, and different kinds of scrap material to separate my thoughts. Suddenly, I saw what was then inside my mind out on paper. (chills) I COULD express myself after all!

Even with art, I thought of all the "perfect" fully-colored and well-composed illustrations all around me. Gosh, pressuring... I also didn't know where to go with my art, since it was just a hobby and I didn't want to go that much further with it. One day, however, I stumbled across a Korean video about "croquis". I didn't know why I was drawn to it, but heck I watched it til' the end. I felt... mesmerized? Chommang's art was simple, but full of emotions. His lines looked like he didn't bother to erase any little mistake. At times, I could clearly see that some lines didn't look exactly like what was in the reference photo, but it had the same vibes nonetheless? Then he said something like this: "Just draw how you feel like it. Let it flow freely. Don't think about it. If you want to correct something, you can allow yourself to erase it a bit. Correct it. Then continue to let it flow."

What an eye-opener! Not just art-wise, but those words really hit me! Maybe this is how I should live life?

I should not think about it and let it flow. If something's wrong, it's okay for me to erase things a bit. I can correct things. Afterwards, I should continue with the flow...

Of course after all that, my art has changed significantly! Just like how I want to live life, my lines may overlap. I may or may not erase my sketch marks, because maybe sometimes the sketch marks make it prettier. Just like with words, I'm not that good with colors. But even using monochrome messy line shading does a better job of expressing myself. Who knew? Suddenly, life seemed a little more beautiful, and I could appreciate it more.

These were what I went through for the past couple of weeks (or even months). My anxiety hasn't disappeared completely, but it lessened. I try to remind myself constantly that it's okay to stop for a bit and fix up what's not right, and then continue on my journey through life. I hope I'm able to describe and express things better in any form and, maybe with this capability, I'm able to help others who go through the same?

The rest is in God's hands. While I have hope for the better and best that He has decided for me, I'll also work hard on my part and be a better me until I'm the best me I can be! ^^ -end-

If you guys have gone through something similar, mind sharing your stories? :D