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Expressing My Thoughts When I'm Bad at Words

BenjaminLee23 June 28th, 2020

|| English is my first language and my mind language at that, but for some reason, I can't express myself well.

...

I don't normally talk about my issues because it is seen as a discomfort towards the people around me. Not that they're unkind, but I really do feel that I shouldn't be talking about my struggles with them. For that reason, I came here - hoping that some random people online could lend an ear and listen to what I have to say.

But... suddenly I'm out of words? The image is clear in my mind, but I can't explain it to others accurately- actually, not even close to it. Surely I have to learn up more vocabulary or something (gosh it's never-ending, huh) but even if I become a word bank, will those words really help describe my emotions and struggles?

I'm more of a left-brainer, but I do art as a hobby. During my earlier days of journaling and drawing, I wanted them to look pretty, neat, and close to perfect. Last month, however, I got into a slump. A dark somethin' started sucking me in, and it was suffocating. I kept on sweating for many days, even when the weather was not so warm. I thought "What did I want to do with journaling and art? Did I really just pick these up just for fun? What really made me start these?"

I decided to let go of all expectations and listened to myself. Journaling is kinda like expressing your thoughts, right? It's to document your life and surroundings? I took it that way. Now even though I don't journal as often as before, when I really do feel like it, I start making the spread - and finishing it right away. In a way, I'm using pictures as "reference" for my emotions, colors to guide my eyes, and different kinds of scrap material to separate my thoughts. Suddenly, I saw what was then inside my mind out on paper. (chills) I COULD express myself after all!

Even with art, I thought of all the "perfect" fully-colored and well-composed illustrations all around me. Gosh, pressuring... I also didn't know where to go with my art, since it was just a hobby and I didn't want to go that much further with it. One day, however, I stumbled across a Korean video about "croquis". I didn't know why I was drawn to it, but heck I watched it til' the end. I felt... mesmerized? Chommang's art was simple, but full of emotions. His lines looked like he didn't bother to erase any little mistake. At times, I could clearly see that some lines didn't look exactly like what was in the reference photo, but it had the same vibes nonetheless? Then he said something like this: "Just draw how you feel like it. Let it flow freely. Don't think about it. If you want to correct something, you can allow yourself to erase it a bit. Correct it. Then continue to let it flow."

What an eye-opener! Not just art-wise, but those words really hit me! Maybe this is how I should live life?

I should not think about it and let it flow. If something's wrong, it's okay for me to erase things a bit. I can correct things. Afterwards, I should continue with the flow...

Of course after all that, my art has changed significantly! Just like how I want to live life, my lines may overlap. I may or may not erase my sketch marks, because maybe sometimes the sketch marks make it prettier. Just like with words, I'm not that good with colors. But even using monochrome messy line shading does a better job of expressing myself. Who knew? Suddenly, life seemed a little more beautiful, and I could appreciate it more.

These were what I went through for the past couple of weeks (or even months). My anxiety hasn't disappeared completely, but it lessened. I try to remind myself constantly that it's okay to stop for a bit and fix up what's not right, and then continue on my journey through life. I hope I'm able to describe and express things better in any form and, maybe with this capability, I'm able to help others who go through the same?

The rest is in God's hands. While I have hope for the better and best that He has decided for me, I'll also work hard on my part and be a better me until I'm the best me I can be! ^^ -end-

If you guys have gone through something similar, mind sharing your stories? :D

5
Idontknow247 June 28th, 2020

@BenjaminLee23

Wow, you are certainly a talented writer as well as an artist! I read your post all the way through and found your way with words captivating. Your journey with art is something I find inspirational. You've formed your own unique relationship with it, which is something I hope to do in the future. I've tried using art as a coping mechanism, however I can't seem to let loose. If the piece I make isn't up to my standards I feel disappointed in myself. Perhaps on day I will be able to forage my own relationship with it in the way you have. Do you have any advice for how to mentally let loose?

4 replies
BenjaminLee23 OP June 28th, 2020

@Idontknow247 Thank you for reading my post and sharing your story, peep! ^^

Watching the croquis video was my turning point, but until now, there have also been ups and downs when it comes to my flow (well, wave-like flow I guess >.<) I wouldn't really call these advice, but these are what work for me when I go through the troughs of my wave-like flow:

- A simple cool-down! If you can go for walks, go ahead - for me, however, I don't get to go out often so I have my own ways of cooling down. If I'm stuck on a drawing, I'd leave it alone for an undetermined period of time, and somewhere I'm able to see but not too obvious. Or I keep it wherever I want but snap a photo before that - that works too! Some time later when I check my phone and I go to my phone gallery, I see the photo of that drawing and I get reminded of it. And if I do get reminded of my work-in-progress, I don't

BenjaminLee23 OP June 28th, 2020

@Idontknow247 Thank you for reading my post and sharing your story, peep! ^^

Watching the croquis video was my turning point, but until now, there have also been ups and downs when it comes to my flow (well, wave-like flow I guess >.<) I wouldn't really call these advice, but these are what work for me when I go through the troughs of my wave-like flow:

- A simple cool-down! If you can go for walks, go ahead - for me, however, I don't get to go out often so I have my own ways of cooling down. If I'm stuck on a drawing, I'd leave it alone for an undetermined period of time, and somewhere I'm able to see but not too obvious. Or I keep it wherever I want but snap a photo before that - that works too! Some time later when I check my phone and I go to my phone gallery, I see the photo of that drawing and I get reminded of it. And if I do get reminded of my work-in-progress, I don't have to immediately go back to it. But if one day I suddenly reaaally feel like getting back to it and finishing it, then yes, I'll go for it again! I guess this applies for any other things - maybe an essay? A sculpture? Piece of coding? As long as they don't have really close deadlines of course ^^;;

- Sometimes, I'd just completely distract myself with a "do nothing day". (Phineas and Ferb? x3) Eventually I'd get bored and I'd start to go around looking for things to do, but they have to be activities that requires active participation. Not watching TV or whatever, but more like... vacuuming the room, making a nice treat for yourself, playing a game even! I let myself do other things that is not really the work I've been having a hard time on, but the activities still require me to be hands-on. I think it's a good distraction that also helps with stimulation still. ^^

- And lastly, music! Goodness music is probably the BEST mood-maker ever! Alright I gotta admit - I have some pretty legiT music genres that I love, such as EDM, rock, pop, etc.. But I'm talking about vibes music! It's not my favorite, but sometimes I just really feel all scrambled up inside and these favorite genres of mine don't really help :"0 so I normally search up lofi tracks and compilations and give them a listen. I don't know what it does scientifically, but I do know that human beings generally find slow tracks relaxing. No, it doesn't have to be classical or very jazzy or whatever - a chill indie track, maybe? With a nice steady beat and vibe... you get carried away with it, and that's good! It's a great escape, for me. It clears out my thoughts and makes me feel at ease. After a while, I'd eventually wanna start to get something done while my mood is still stable! That's when I get to work!

Sorry for the repost-ish, I forgot my laptop is touch-screen... Anyway - this is a lot (yeet) but you can try these out and see if they help ease things out! ^w^ aaand thank you!

2 replies
Idontknow247 June 28th, 2020

@BenjaminLee23

Thank you so much! These are actually really helpful tips! You are such a wholesome and positive person, I hope you find joy in life ❤️

faithlove1111 June 29th, 2020

@BenjaminLee23 , your first post is so interesting and your reply post is so helpful. I totally agree about your cooling down activities. I have done similar routines and they help a lot. Mmmm... you are an expressive and helpful person indeed.

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