Back here again. for similar reasons.

i don't feel ready but i know i might never be. i've been thinking if applying to the navy for maybe years. but i've never been sure of it. am i doing it for me? or because my dad used to be in it and i want to make him proud AND make something of my life.

first time i applied my application was simply rejected for not being coherent enough. it really wasn't. so that's fine. i don't think i even realized what i was doing.

i haven't been in a great place for a bit, trying to figure life out and what i wanna do, family deaths haven't helped. but everyone struggles. i just have had a hard time wih adulting.

i recently applied again because the navy offers this 4 years local contract where you can stay near your home. it's mechanics. i applied. and now i have a meeting soon.

but i don't feel ready. i know nothing about mechanics and while the navy says they train you, i really don't have any knowledge in that.

i told myself it would allow me to build myself, make myself better, more mature and stronger. that it's just "4 years" and you get to stay nearby.

but i've been in a really bad state of mind for a while that anything freaks me out when it comes to adulting or situations like that.

there are so much things i'm currently working on to try to figure life out. i passed my theoric driving test, now i need to get actual driving lessons to get my license. that might make me more mature.

i'm taking florist courses, that was always my plan B in case i can never find anything. it's short, manual, not a desk job, flowers are pretty. i don't think i'd hate it.

i wanted to apply to psychology courses in college too but until last year i havennt been accepted. that's fine. tho i've been accepted in english literature so i'm still debating on finish that degree i started younger. i don't know.

i have to get 3 months interships for the florist courses.

i just dont feel like the navy is RIGHT at this very moment but i don't know if it's the fear talking or if it's my right guts. i feel like i should be more mature before i try to join. but they only recruit until 30 and i have 4 years left. i know i'm late to adult. i feel late.

i want to go to the meeting and then if they make me go to the sporting tests, call them back and say i don't want to go through it yet but that'll i'll possibly try again later. i want to tell my dad and my mom they just didnt accept me. that's less worse in my head than saying i didnt try. or that i was a chicken, in my eyes.

i don't even know why i worry, i might not even get accepted. i have diabetes. type 2 but diabetes regardless. i don't have meds anymore though. i don't know if i'll feel relief or regret if they don't accept me over that. i'm not even a huge sportive person. and i wear glasses. so maybe i should just go and tell myself i wont be accepted anyway. i most likely won't.

i regret lowkey applying, but if i'm not anxious i can tell you why it could be good. but i can also tell you why i don't want to.

i don't know.