Anxiety Regarding Career (or lack thereof)
Okay, so I'll just go right at this. I'm 27 and jobless. I live at home. I'm not lazy when I'm working, but I am right now. Here's the general backstory for my career:
Worked mostly retail. Received full-ride for Bachelor's degree. I foolishly went into Business Administration and didn't specialize in anything or even give any effort to develop marketable skills. I sort of knew, even back then, that I hated business. However, I let everyone sway me to general business because "you can do so much with a general business degree." Now, as an adult, I realize these are my choices and there's no changing them. I'm grateful for the opportunity afforded me despite the lack of career I have now. So, please understand that I do have perspective and self-awareness regarding this.
Moving on, I am pretty intelligent. I know a lot of people say things like this for attention or simply because nobody thinks they're unintelligent. I took a Mensa test and came in at 124. Not hyper-intelligent, but still well above average. As far as IQ really measures cognitive ability anyway. Point is, I have virtually any career open to me on a purely academic basis.
Here's my dilemma. I'm surrounded by resources (my parents, my intelligence, no debt, no bills, etc), yet I am petrified by my anxiety. I'm seeing a therapist in order to fight this great barrier to my happiness, but I find that it is ineffective. She believes I may need medication. However, even knowing the benefits, I'm well aware of the negative side effects. My family members have been on anxiety medication and it turned them into couch zombies.
All of that aside, I know what I want in a career. I'm motivated by traveling careers with a positive impact on my immediate surroundings (i.e. geologist, traveling NP, cruise ship worker, etc.). I'm a pretty typical INFJ-T as far as any of that MBTI stuff is useful. My major issue is that I'm not sure I can deal with the anxiety of acquiring debt.
Right now my whole life is open. It's a blank slate that I'm terrified of painting on. I feel very much like the story of the Fig Tree from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I am watching my limited time on this earth rot away. I worry about my parent's deaths, my own death, the lack of social experience I have (no friends, no SO, not even an acquaintance), the lack of income, the lack of adventure, the lack of contentment, and the wasted opportunity. I've gained so much weight, nearly 80 pounds. I don't know when it happened but that traps me more. Keeps me bound indoors for fear of judgment.
I could easily be a medical doctor, or a psychologist, or a geophysicist, or a wildlife biologist working to restore wolf habitats. I have the gifts, the tools, necessary. Can anyone help me deal with this wall of anxiety and indecision and get to some living?
I'm motivated by love. I desire to fall in love more than anything. I have no other ambitions. But, I would like very much to have a career I can tolerate and use as a method to meet women. Even in the age of equality, nobody wants a partner they have to support financially. My future SO would obviously like someone who cares enough about their own body to maintain a healthy weight.
Anyway, rant over, I'm just super frustrated with myself.
@TheHammaOnU I can feel your frustration when I read your post. Partly because you articulated yourself so well and partly because I can relate to many of those frustrating thoughts. When my anxiety was at its highest, I added a lot of additional pressure to myself with similar high standards. But it's too overwhelming to imagine recovery when we think of ALL the things we want to change about ourselves at once. Try to take baby steps.
I would suggest that lowering your general anxiety would be step number one. Once you feel like you are in a place where you aren't as anxious - when you have adjusted to the changes you have made to your life to combat the high stress the anxiety has placed on you - you can start moving on to the next thing you would like to tackle. It's been a while since you've posted this. How have you been since? If you would like to talk about general ways to lower anxiety, I have been practicing different techniques and I don't mind sharing with you what I've learned. Let me know :)
