My usual lonely day (long version)

Hey ppl,

Today: feeling alone in nudging anxiety (constant force)…tired but tired like extremely tired that even if I’m “awake” I feel like half off half on…eating goes hard which makes me feel like I have to mentally prepare before every meal.

Plus the isolation sometimes feel itself too much. Being alone w minimal interactions is making me feel sad n low plus I’m still recovering from self pity issues (due to multiple hurt from ppl) to be truly happy.

Or at peace of becoming happy yk?

So it’s true that I feel lonely. I also fight my intrusive thoughts n unpleasant sensations … it’s nothing new for me to be this unwell tho the forms of it change so it’s not always feeling in the same kind of unwell state but now, I can tell.

Also I’m sad cuz being this alone is noticing harder to manage when ur this tired n ur fam don’t get these types of issues …. I come here or someplace else like this to talk to u guys…

It’s a new “home” for me. To get my feelings out without being shamed or judged by why I feel this way, what’s the constant battle or struggle all about n how young or old I am.

Important is that we all fight for another day n we all need more than just survive it. I truly hope we can recover n feel better so that the our world won’t be always filled with us being sad or hopeless. I can be numb one minute n next very tired.

Ppl say u deserve to live not just to exist n be like get through this n this day but it feels so much every day just like this. Getting through the same motion while hoping for something to change.

It would be good if we can hold onto some happy moment or feel that good feeling n creativity flowing through us without feelings sad afterwards cuz get this: I try to move, get walking or dancing a little or just thinking n imagining something or I go study… learning anything makes me normally feeling at ease, happy n accomplished. But these times it’s like after that hurt from ppl n how alone I happened to suddenly be… 

I realized that nobody rly knew n nobody sees what I do even now. Protecting, keeping ur parts safe from fam n getting out of one sided friendship only now it starts to go on surface w how small I always felt, belittled, limited or backing down just to make peace n never confront anyone for anything cuz they weren’t bad ppl. But good they weren’t either.

So while I do my things in my own time, n I’m trying to enjoy n derive something joyful from it… it’s true that keeping it all for yourself due to valid reasons in ur environment makes u feel very alone n more sad.

Bcs it’s like u plan it alone for urself, u do things but then alsp u get unwell n it all just gets sad again cuz u just wanna feel good again or not so exhausted to do all those things plus my anxiety is also big factor that makes me so unwell that I can’t focus n feel like my brain is sleeping instead. 

Also my major part is the company of any music, background sounds (but usually songs) on headphones n watching series.

When I watch those episodes n I’m doing my stuff meanwhile or watching while I’m eating it makes me feel somewhat better n safe like someone out there, in this case characters are sharing scribbles of lives just like me when I see them doing the same stuff or feel some way familiar to me. 

It’s the constant void u have to fill in n ur trying not to be always w ur thoughts or bodily sensations cuz too much focus doesn’t do good either so I go where I can watch n focus on something else that’s still beneficial to me. Which is good tho when ur real unwell, it’s much harder to focus n feel good while watching it but I’m never giving up.

I think that’s the key in everything we want or need to do. 

That’s why…