I'm not just fine
I fake a smile everyday because when my mother asks me what's wrong I say nothing she gets mad ofc and says that I can tell her, yet when I do she makes me feel bad for feeling that way, I'm to scared to ask for therapy I don't really know if I need it. She told me that if I don't want to hang out with friends that I could just say no instead of just going to hangout, but yesterday I said no and she said "why didn't you just go play?" It makes no sense to me! Also I got like a 98% on my depression test on here but I don't think I am. I feel lost in my emotions everyday I don't feel like I can share how I feel because whenever I do I feel like I'm in trouble! I was going to make pancakes and she said something can't quite remember I started to go upstairs and she got mad and asked me why I didn't want to make pancakes anymore but I didn't wanna tell her she killed the mood because I don't want to hurt her feelings! SHE SAYS THAT I STAY ON MY PHONE BECUASE IM LAZY AND I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING! BUT I DONT HAVE THE MOTIVATION OR ENERGY TO DO ANYTHING AND I AM TRYING SO DANG HARD TO FIX THAT BUT NO MATTER WHAT ILL ALWAYS FRICKING ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE HER AND OTHER PEOPPE HAPPY AND I KNOW THAT MAKES ME A PEOPLE PLEASER BUT IDC!! I LOVE MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DONT CARE!!! I just want to stop feeling this pain in my mind telling me I'm not worth anything..
@LilliRex
It sounds like you're carrying a lot of emotional weight and trying hard to balance your own feelings with the expectations and reactions of those around you. Your struggle to express your true feelings and the confusion about how to manage these emotions can be incredibly overwhelming.
Faking a smile and hiding your emotions can be exhausting, especially when you feel like your genuine feelings are not being received in the way you need. It’s understandable that you might feel conflicted about sharing your emotions when it seems to lead to negative reactions or misunderstandings.
It’s also clear that you’re feeling trapped between wanting to make others happy and struggling with your own lack of motivation and energy. The fact that you're trying so hard to meet others' expectations while feeling this way shows a lot of self-awareness and compassion, even amidst the pain.
The mixed messages you're receiving from your mother about spending time with friends and other activities seem to add to the confusion and frustration. It’s hard to navigate how to respond to these expectations when you’re already feeling overwhelmed.
Feeling like you're not worth anything is deeply painful, and it’s important to acknowledge that these feelings, while intense, do not define your worth. It’s clear that you care deeply about the people in your life and want to make them happy, but it’s equally important to care for yourself and recognize that your feelings are valid and deserving of attention.
It might be helpful to find small, manageable ways to express your feelings or needs, even if it’s just to yourself at first. This could be through writing, art, or other forms of self-expression that feel safe and authentic for you. And remember, taking steps to care for yourself is not a sign of not caring about others; it's a crucial part of being able to support and care for them in the long run.
You are deserving of kindness and understanding, both from others and yourself. The pain you're feeling is significant, and it’s important to acknowledge and honor your emotions as you navigate this challenging time.
It’s truly admirable how much you care about making others happy and how hard you’re trying despite the struggles you face. Your feelings are important, and you deserve to be treated with compassion and understanding. Remember that it’s okay to take time for yourself and to prioritize your own well-being. Your worth is not defined by the approval of others, but by the genuine kindness and effort you put into your relationships and your own self-care. You are valuable just as you are, and your feelings matter deeply.
