Feel terrible about my therapy
Hey all,
So I've been in therapy since the beginning of this year and I just don't really know what to feel anymore and it is so frustrating so I thought I'd try and post about it here
Basically, I've been in therapy for a few months and it was great, I was improving etc. However, a few weeks ago I asked my therapist after a session in a direct message whether she could call me since something left me really triggered (all our contact is covered by insurance). I noted in my message it could wait but that I was feeling really triggered
She called me, but felt a little bit angry? She was a lot shorter in her replies, which I chalked up to her just being busy. However, at the end of the telephone convo (the things she said put me at ease about the issue taht triggered me) she said that "I shouldn't take it personal if she didn't have time to call me next time" and also "that she hoped I'd develop more trust so we could talk about my topics during therapy hours instead of outside" (the trust comment referred to that I have low trust due to previous experience completely separate from this therapy)
The above 2 comments left me flustered afterwards and I feel like they really hurt me. I feel hurt because I noted in my initial comment that the issue could wait until next session, so I'm not sure why she said that comment about talking during therapy hours instead of outside of therapy hours. We talked about it next session and she said I should determine when I message her the urgency which again hurt me because I feel like I already did so. I asked her why she called me when my message stated it wasn't urgent and she said she wasn't sure she could go by my words since she hasn't known me for that long (which makes me feel like she didn't trust the words in my initial message).
We've talked about it since but I feel so stuck in the issue. She said she wasn't angry on the phone. Also, she says that she can accept we both have our own respective experiences in this and wants to explore my reaction but meanwhile I still feel unsecure since the exchange caught me off guard so much.
I really am not sure how to continue since we talked about it since in a number of sessions but it comes back to "you had your experience in this, I had mine" and I feel 0 validation in being hurt by the exchange. It frustrates me to no end since she's been great otherwise and helped me so much in the first few months of therapy but I have no idea how to proceed since I simply don't feel that secure as long as this is left in the air.
Not sure if I'm looking for advice but if any person has any I'll gladly take it. There was other stuff that made me slightly awkward (she seemed insecure about contact outside of session before when she called ME and seemed insecure but I dismissed it back then as a character quirk) but I find this so difficult. More than anything I wish she'd just say something like "o yea I was a bit pressured for time so you may have picked up on that" or "I realize I may have been a little bit too direct in expressing myself but you did well to send your message" but I'm not getting anything in that direction. Not sure if that is too much to ask but the whole thing bugs me endlessly and I just needed to vent
